Thank you all for your support - Page 2

Jimbuna · 06-18-11, 01:50 PM

Deepest sympathy.

frau kaleun · 06-18-11, 01:52 PM

Thanks again, everybody.

@Red Menace: I hope that someday you will be able to make peace with your mother. But one thing I have learned is that there are some people you can never "make peace" with because doing so requires their cooperation in the endeavor, and they may not have it in them to provide that. And this is something that, in the end, you can't change or force or control.

What you can do - and what you MUST do - is make peace with yourself, with your memories of the other person, and with the lasting effects that your relationship with them may have as you work to become the person you want to be. And also with their continued influence on your life, whether they are physically present or not.

When it comes to a parent, this is especially difficult because as children we are so dependent on them and often have no choice but to "make do" and try to survive an abusive or dysfunctional family situation as best we can. It creates a fear of the person and what havoc they can wreak on one's life that stays with us even when, as increasingly independent adults, their real power over us fades away (if we let it).

It can take years to get past that. It may take years of deliberate separation from that person to figure out what you can be and want to be once you are free from the need make mere survival your top priority. You may find that even when you get away from that person, you will have other people come into your life whose presence recreates in some ways the same type of dysfunctional situations you've already been through. If - or I should say, when, because it is almost inevitable - you realize this has happened, DON'T FREAK OUT. Don't think that you are irreparably "broken" and can only have "broken" relationships. One thing I know for sure is that destiny, God, the universe, something inside you that requires you to grow and evolve, whatever you want to call it... it will keep giving you the same lesson over and over again until the lesson is finally learned so well it does not need to be repeated. Accepting that is all part of making peace with yourself. You will always be a work in progress, and knowing that is half the battle.

GoldenRivet · 06-18-11, 01:59 PM

Sorry to hear of your loss.

i hadnt heard of this since i dont really venture into the werewolf game.

again - my condolences

yubba · 06-18-11, 03:46 PM

Sorry for your loss.

kiwi_2005 · 06-18-11, 03:52 PM

Death is just a passing over. Your mum is now free from any pain.

All the best Frau

Alex · 06-18-11, 05:23 PM

My sincere condolences and sympathy to you and yours, FK. Stay strong.

vienna · 06-18-11, 05:51 PM

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I too had a very difficult to near impossible relationship with my parents. My father was a merchant marine and I saw very liitle of him when I was young. My mother deeply resented my father's profession and made his life, when he was home, a living hell. When he wasn't home, my sister and I became her targets. My parents divorced when i was about thirteen and I was a very angry, messy divorce. My father and i met for the last time in about 1975 or 1976 when I was in my mid-20's. We had the first and only long converstaion in our lives and addressed some differences we had and resolved them. We never spoke to or saw each other again; no animosity invloved; we both just realized we were more strangers than family and really had no compelling connections other than the accident of birth. He died in 2000; I found out about his death in 2002 by accident when I was helping a co-worker navigate around a geneaology site and I put in his name as an example and found his death listed in a government database. My heart dropped and I felt great sadness, but I was also comforted by the thought I had made my peace with him long ago. My mother, on the other hand, grew more and more difficult as time went on and, in 1980, in an effort to save whatever sanity I had left and to get on with my life, I broke off all communication with her. The last time I talked to her, she called me to find out why I had stopped calling her or seeing her. I told her I had had enough and just wanted some peace in my life. She, quite out of character for her, quietly replied she understood and we said goodbye. Earlier this year, I was again helping someone with a genealogy search and, out of curiosity, I did a search of her name and found she has passed away in January of 2010. I did not feel the sadness I felt for my father; it was more of a relief. Her demons were now laid to rest and, if there is an afterlife, perhaps she has found peace there. They say you can't miss something you never had; in some cases, that is not true. I am glad you were able to make your peace with your mother and hope that whatever lingering troubles you may have had will soon fade and give way to better memories.

By the way, I am a huge fan of Beethoven (we share the same birthday [not the same year]). The Ninth has also been a great comfort to me in difficult times.

Life goes on; it is for us; the living to go on with it...

FIREWALL · 06-18-11, 06:07 PM

It is said the first 72 hrs are the hardest. Take some time to reflect and find at least one fond memory and just remember that one. And put the rest behind you.

In closeing know your not alone in the " Not so Wonderfull Parent " dept.

Onkel Neal · 06-18-11, 06:25 PM

06-18-11, 06:29 PM

After nearly 54 years of living on the edge in many ways?
I came to a mindset change.
I grew very tired of hateing past enemies as it was draining me mentally.
I can not tell you how to do it, but you need to let that type hate go.
Once you do? Things just seem brighter and easier everyday.

My parents were great and I've never had a problem with them.
The rest of the family is a different story and for years I held onto those problems.

When my Mother passed, I decided that many of those problems were based on what she held onto as offenses.
And I buried them with her.

That makes me an outcast with some family members, but makes me much more at ease with myself and others.

I hold onto one thing I learned long ago:
'No one can make you feel a certain way unless you give them the power to do so.'

Growler · 06-19-11, 02:09 PM

Frau -

I wish I knew words that would be some ease to your heart, hon. Having been there myself all too recently, I can remember all too well the pain and the sense of unreality to it all.

It will, somehow, get easier to bear; it seemed unbelievable to me then, but I know it to be true now. We are resilient creatures, we humans, and even in the face of our grief, our pain and loss, we somehow find and hold a quiet dignity and strength that carries us forward.

For whatever value you find in it, and for whatever worth you take from it, you have my heartfelt and deepest sympathies, and my best, truest wishes for you and your entire clan through this painful time.

Flaxpants · 06-20-11, 02:01 AM

Hi Frau,

Sorry to hear of your loss, my deepest sympathy.

F

Takeda Shingen · 06-20-11, 08:26 AM

You have my condolances and you and your loved ones will be in my thoughts.

Penguin · 06-20-11, 09:29 AM

Sorry to hear about your loss, Frau! I wish you and your relatives much strength for the next days. All my best wishes!

frau kaleun · 06-20-11, 07:21 PM

I know I've said it before but it bears repeating: thanks again to everyone here for all your kindness and support. It really does mean a lot and as always I'm continually impressed by the level of camaraderie and genuine goodwill that prevails here. It really is a thing of beauty and everyone involved from Neal on down needs to pat themselves on the back at least once a day for being a part of what makes Subsim the great community that it is.

So... she's in the ground as of this morning, next to dad. I looked at my sister as we were leaving the cemetery and said, "Well, at least we won't have to do that again."

My brother - who is not on the family's Top Ten Nice Guys list, to make a very long story short - made it in for the service and the thing we were really concerned about was whether or not he was going to be a complete tool about settling the estate (our mother made one of our uncles the executor and gave him power of attorney a few years back specifically to keep our brother from having, or getting, any control over how it was done). So far, it hasn't turned out that way which is both a surprise and a blessing. There are still a lot of things, including the house, that will have to be sold or given away - and certain things that mom specified were to go to certain people - but so far there has been no acrimony over who gets what or whether or not some particular item "means more" to this person or that.

But the sheer enormity of going through everything is just wearing us all out right now. If nothing else it may cure me of any packrat tendencies I may have, good grief that woman kept EVERYTHING. I now have a full record of all the immunizations I received as an infant, so in case anyone was wondering, yes I've had all my shots.

Anyway - thank you all again SO MUCH.

06-18-11, 01:50 PM	#16
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,525 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Deepest sympathy. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

06-18-11, 01:59 PM	#18
GoldenRivet Subsim Aviator Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 8,726 Downloads: 146 Uploads: 0	Sorry to hear of your loss. i hadnt heard of this since i dont really venture into the werewolf game. again - my condolences __________________

06-18-11, 03:52 PM	#20
kiwi_2005 Eternal Patrol Join Date: May 2004 Location: Aeoteroa Posts: 7,382 Downloads: 223 Uploads: 1	Death is just a passing over. Your mum is now free from any pain. All the best Frau __________________ RIP kiwi_2005 Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

06-18-11, 05:23 PM	#21
Alex Dominant Wolf Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,143 Downloads: 30 Uploads: 0	My sincere condolences and sympathy to you and yours, FK. Stay strong. __________________

06-18-11, 06:07 PM	#23
FIREWALL Eternal Patrol Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: CATALINA IS. SO . CAL USA Posts: 10,108 Downloads: 511 Uploads: 0	It is said the first 72 hrs are the hardest. Take some time to reflect and find at least one fond memory and just remember that one. And put the rest behind you. In closeing know your not alone in the " Not so Wonderfull Parent " dept. __________________ RIP FIREWALL I Play GWX. Silent Hunter Who ???

06-18-11, 01:52 PM	#17
frau kaleun Rear Admiral Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Skyri--oh who are we kidding, I'm probably at Lowe's. Again. Posts: 12,706 Downloads: 168 Uploads: 0	Thanks again, everybody. @Red Menace: I hope that someday you will be able to make peace with your mother. But one thing I have learned is that there are some people you can never "make peace" with because doing so requires their cooperation in the endeavor, and they may not have it in them to provide that. And this is something that, in the end, you can't change or force or control. What you can do - and what you MUST do - is make peace with yourself, with your memories of the other person, and with the lasting effects that your relationship with them may have as you work to become the person you want to be. And also with their continued influence on your life, whether they are physically present or not. When it comes to a parent, this is especially difficult because as children we are so dependent on them and often have no choice but to "make do" and try to survive an abusive or dysfunctional family situation as best we can. It creates a fear of the person and what havoc they can wreak on one's life that stays with us even when, as increasingly independent adults, their real power over us fades away (if we let it). It can take years to get past that. It may take years of deliberate separation from that person to figure out what you can be and want to be once you are free from the need make mere survival your top priority. You may find that even when you get away from that person, you will have other people come into your life whose presence recreates in some ways the same type of dysfunctional situations you've already been through. If - or I should say, when, because it is almost inevitable - you realize this has happened, DON'T FREAK OUT. Don't think that you are irreparably "broken" and can only have "broken" relationships. One thing I know for sure is that destiny, God, the universe, something inside you that requires you to grow and evolve, whatever you want to call it... it will keep giving you the same lesson over and over again until the lesson is finally learned so well it does not need to be repeated. Accepting that is all part of making peace with yourself. You will always be a work in progress, and knowing that is half the battle.

06-18-11, 03:46 PM	#19
yubba Admiral Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: in a neighborhood near you Posts: 2,478 Downloads: 293 Uploads: 2	Sorry for your loss.

06-18-11, 05:51 PM	#22
vienna Navy Seal Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Anywhere but the here & now... Posts: 7,711 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I too had a very difficult to near impossible relationship with my parents. My father was a merchant marine and I saw very liitle of him when I was young. My mother deeply resented my father's profession and made his life, when he was home, a living hell. When he wasn't home, my sister and I became her targets. My parents divorced when i was about thirteen and I was a very angry, messy divorce. My father and i met for the last time in about 1975 or 1976 when I was in my mid-20's. We had the first and only long converstaion in our lives and addressed some differences we had and resolved them. We never spoke to or saw each other again; no animosity invloved; we both just realized we were more strangers than family and really had no compelling connections other than the accident of birth. He died in 2000; I found out about his death in 2002 by accident when I was helping a co-worker navigate around a geneaology site and I put in his name as an example and found his death listed in a government database. My heart dropped and I felt great sadness, but I was also comforted by the thought I had made my peace with him long ago. My mother, on the other hand, grew more and more difficult as time went on and, in 1980, in an effort to save whatever sanity I had left and to get on with my life, I broke off all communication with her. The last time I talked to her, she called me to find out why I had stopped calling her or seeing her. I told her I had had enough and just wanted some peace in my life. She, quite out of character for her, quietly replied she understood and we said goodbye. Earlier this year, I was again helping someone with a genealogy search and, out of curiosity, I did a search of her name and found she has passed away in January of 2010. I did not feel the sadness I felt for my father; it was more of a relief. Her demons were now laid to rest and, if there is an afterlife, perhaps she has found peace there. They say you can't miss something you never had; in some cases, that is not true. I am glad you were able to make your peace with your mother and hope that whatever lingering troubles you may have had will soon fade and give way to better memories. By the way, I am a huge fan of Beethoven (we share the same birthday [not the same year]). The Ninth has also been a great comfort to me in difficult times. Life goes on; it is for us; the living to go on with it...

06-18-11, 06:25 PM	#24
Onkel Neal Born to Run Silent Join Date: Jan 1997 Location: Cougar Trap, Texas Posts: 21,385 Downloads: 541 Uploads: 224	__________________ SUBSIM - 26 Years on the Web

06-18-11, 06:29 PM	#25
Madox58 Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	After nearly 54 years of living on the edge in many ways? I came to a mindset change. I grew very tired of hateing past enemies as it was draining me mentally. I can not tell you how to do it, but you need to let that type hate go. Once you do? Things just seem brighter and easier everyday. My parents were great and I've never had a problem with them. The rest of the family is a different story and for years I held onto those problems. When my Mother passed, I decided that many of those problems were based on what she held onto as offenses. And I buried them with her. That makes me an outcast with some family members, but makes me much more at ease with myself and others. I hold onto one thing I learned long ago: 'No one can make you feel a certain way unless you give them the power to do so.'

06-19-11, 02:09 PM	#26
Growler A long way from the sea Join Date: May 2005 Location: Iowa Posts: 1,913 Downloads: 21 Uploads: 0	Frau - I wish I knew words that would be some ease to your heart, hon. Having been there myself all too recently, I can remember all too well the pain and the sense of unreality to it all. It will, somehow, get easier to bear; it seemed unbelievable to me then, but I know it to be true now. We are resilient creatures, we humans, and even in the face of our grief, our pain and loss, we somehow find and hold a quiet dignity and strength that carries us forward. For whatever value you find in it, and for whatever worth you take from it, you have my heartfelt and deepest sympathies, and my best, truest wishes for you and your entire clan through this painful time. __________________ At Fiddler’s Green, where seamen true When here they’ve done their duty The bowl of grog shall still renew And pledge to love and beauty.

06-20-11, 02:01 AM	#27
Flaxpants Ace of the Deep Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Koh Samui, Thailand Posts: 1,196 Downloads: 168 Uploads: 0	Hi Frau, Sorry to hear of your loss, my deepest sympathy. F

06-20-11, 08:26 AM	#28
Takeda Shingen Navy Seal Join Date: Mar 2000 Posts: 8,643 Downloads: 19 Uploads: 0	You have my condolances and you and your loved ones will be in my thoughts.

06-20-11, 09:29 AM	#29
Penguin Ocean Warrior Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Rheinische Republik Posts: 3,322 Downloads: 92 Uploads: 0	Sorry to hear about your loss, Frau! I wish you and your relatives much strength for the next days. All my best wishes!

06-20-11, 07:21 PM	#30
frau kaleun Rear Admiral Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Skyri--oh who are we kidding, I'm probably at Lowe's. Again. Posts: 12,706 Downloads: 168 Uploads: 0	I know I've said it before but it bears repeating: thanks again to everyone here for all your kindness and support. It really does mean a lot and as always I'm continually impressed by the level of camaraderie and genuine goodwill that prevails here. It really is a thing of beauty and everyone involved from Neal on down needs to pat themselves on the back at least once a day for being a part of what makes Subsim the great community that it is. So... she's in the ground as of this morning, next to dad. I looked at my sister as we were leaving the cemetery and said, "Well, at least we won't have to do that again." My brother - who is not on the family's Top Ten Nice Guys list, to make a very long story short - made it in for the service and the thing we were really concerned about was whether or not he was going to be a complete tool about settling the estate (our mother made one of our uncles the executor and gave him power of attorney a few years back specifically to keep our brother from having, or getting, any control over how it was done). So far, it hasn't turned out that way which is both a surprise and a blessing. There are still a lot of things, including the house, that will have to be sold or given away - and certain things that mom specified were to go to certain people - but so far there has been no acrimony over who gets what or whether or not some particular item "means more" to this person or that. But the sheer enormity of going through everything is just wearing us all out right now. If nothing else it may cure me of any packrat tendencies I may have, good grief that woman kept EVERYTHING. I now have a full record of all the immunizations I received as an infant, so in case anyone was wondering, yes I've had all my shots. Anyway - thank you all again SO MUCH.