Need to Lose 5lb In A Week

First impressions, too much too soon.
vegetarian option, rapid weight loss by simply eating German beansprouts

I'm sick of women winking at my face and grimacing at my gut. I'm sick of being compared to celebs with abs.

Have more self confidence and ignore comparisons to artificial creations.

The only muscles in my legs worth looking at are my calves. My calves are incredible.

A person with a serious eating disorder will complain about how their body looks but say their belly is incredible.

I ran till I was out of breath today, which was maybe 1/8th of a mile

OK thats a problem, do you smoke?
on another line would you like to have weight loss through smoking?

The main key to this topic is contained in the post......

I used to be able to perma lose 5lb a week when I was in Florida for a month swimming all day every day

...apart from the "perma".
Swimming is good, relatively quick and effective for most of the body. Get a proper schedule drawn up and aim for basic 1.5 hour sessions working on an 8 days in a week basis. For a bonus on your legs cycle to the sea/lake/pool for the sessions