Lt. Doltstein's day: A Flashpoint adventure

[Hottentot]

Papa Bear, this is Captain America One. We are trough the forest and can see Regina on the right. Furthermore, we believe the commies are holding three American G.I.s as POWs. Proceeding as per mission plan.


Oh, and have Privates Youthere, Notyou and Yeahyouuglysob court martialed for dereliction of duty, they seem to have vanished while we were crossing the forest.






Right behind Regina we spot a hut. It might be that the enemy is holding the POWs there. We must check it out.






The hut looks empty. I tell my men to proceed while keeping an eye out for that commie sniper me and Private Cannonfodder spotted earlier.






We circle the hut. I cover the men while they charge. If anyone is in there, he will soon have a nasty surprise.






"Private Harrison reporting sir!"


"What is it?"


"No sign of the reds or POWs sir! Just some boxes and a sign."


"What does the sign say, Private Whatwereyoucalledagain?"






"Uh, I'm not really sure, sir..."


"What do you mean 'you're not sure'?! In the military we are always sure, soldier! Or can't you see it? Here, I'll throw you a match..."






Private Whatwereyoucalledagain, I told you to read the sign, not to throw a smoke grenade!






And I definitely didn't tell you to light a bonfire!






Aw hell, the commies must have seen that fire ten miles away! Okay men, fall back! Fall back! There is nothing we can do here! But we WILL be back!


And remind me to have Private Whatwereyoucalledagain court martialed too!

[Hottentot]

PART 6: THE OLD FASHION WAY!




Right! I'm officially fed up with this! Tanks or no tanks, this battle has dragged on for far too long! Time to finish this! Screw your fancy tactics and maneuvers! We'll do this the old fashion way, men!


Who's with me?!






Who the frap are you?



We're, uh, the cook team. We, like, make your peasoup and stuff...






There's no one left to eat it, though.






Sigh. I wonder if Patton ever had days like this. Fine! Cook team! Follow me!!






CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!!!!!






EAT LEAD ENEMIES OF LIBERTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






ONWARDS MEN!!!!! FOR FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!






BITE 'NADE YOU VODKA DRUNKEN PIGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!






TAKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






AND THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






FOLLOW ME INTO GLORY, MEN!!!!!!!!!!! ATTAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!



CHAAAAA...huh? Well, I guess I hit something.






My grenade must have got these dudes...






...How did I shoot them trough three concrete walls? Wow, I never knew I was THIS good!

[Hottentot]

The tank crew never had any chance either. Serves them right!






To the victor go the spoils, I think. I've always wanted to drive one of these.






Haha! Look at me! Tank Commander Doltstein! That's me! Forward!!


I said forward, damn it!!!






Bah, do I need to take care of everything personally? OK, which one of these buttons makes this rusty tin can go forward?






Aha! It was that one!






And that one turns out to be emergency gun control switch. You learn something new every day.






I wonder where those cook boys are. Bah, probably hiding under some bed anyway. It's so hard to get real soldiers to help you these days.






OK, enough fun and games for now. You there! Cook boy! Take this commie junk to the HQ and tell them Lieutenant Doltstein sends them a gift from Regina. Mission accomplished! I'm getting a promotion for this!








Ah, there he goes. Good. Now I have time to sit down and have a smoke. I haven't had a smoke for a day now.








Darn, this lingering thought again. I should have told that cook boy something. I wonder what it was...






Oh, right! The minefield we put there last night!

[Hottentot]

EPILOGUE


"Come in doctor Rosenfeld. Have a seat."

"Thank you, Major. I have my report with me, as you requested. From Regina."

"Ah, good. So, what has your team discovered?"

"It is as we suspected sir. A platoon plus three tank crewmen, all dead with the same cause of death. This matches well with the intel we had from the area. No apparent survivors. But you were right. This is far more bizarre than anything I have ever seen."

"Give me the details."

"Well, first of all sir: not a single one of the enemy combatants has been killed by a bullet."

"Well, that Doltstein's report said he also used a few grenades."

"They are not shrapnels either, sir. As a matter of fact, the subjects show no external signs of injury, nothing you could expect from a death in a firefight."

"Are you trying to tell me they just died?!"

"Well, no sir, but the cause of death seems to be internal, not external."

"My God! Are you implying that the commies had chemical weapons in there? Maybe one of their gas canisters exploded and..."

"No, sir, we have ruled out that possibility. First of all, there are no signs of such experiments being conducted in there. Furthermore, the injuries on the subjects don't resemble any known chemical weapon, such as mustard gas."

"Well, what do the injuries resemble then?"

"Uh, I'm not sure if I should sir...maybe some further research is in order to..."

"I'm all ears, doctor."

"It appears some of them have tried to fight it and move, but most have just collapsed where they stand. Further field research indicates that some have died earlier than the others and the enemy has tried to bury them. The cause of death seems very quick, though, as some seem to have been infected right as they were burying the bodies.

"But what caused it? What killed those red bastards and how can we utilize it in the future?!"

"Well, sir, it appears that the subjects had sudden uncontrollable reactions in their respiratory organs. They seem to have been forced to inhale and exhale on such a rabit succession that their lungs couldn't survive it. Medical data shows that..."

"Doctor, save me from that. Just answer the question: why did these men die?"

"If I may be as bold as to suggest it sir: it appears the enemy has died from laughter."

[Oberon]

Nice one, nice twist at the end there!

[Robsoie]

That's hilarious and in the same time so true !