I'm 18 and I'm dying. What do I do?

[Skybird]

Originally Posted by RedMenace

I know I'm not supposed take my life for granted as it's had so many nice things in it... but... why does this have to happen to me? Especially now of all times, when things were finally going all right for me? I know it's cliche to say it but... I'm too freaking young to deal with this.

Why not you?

I do not mean to be unsensitive, or assaulting. But there are two kinds of suffering. The one is part of the condition that defines us as human beings. Being that, we are vulnerable to certain things that can cause us physical or psychological pain. But then there is an addon-type of pain we create all by ourselves, without need, that comes from thinking we are special, the universe revolves around us and we have a special deal with some kind of "fate" laying out there in wait for us. In other words: our ego takes a deep breath and blows itself up bigger than it already is. And when we slam into a situation that is totally different than what we expected - even demanded - of our future -, then we are left stunned in the sand, shocked.

Close examination of ourselves and how our perceptions - especially in times of suffering, pain and despair - are functioning and keep the show running, holds the chance of gaining great relief from ourselves, or better: gaining great relief from our selfs. Times of crisis serves that purpose best, because most of us do not see any need to ever deal with ourselves as long as we are happy and life is gentle and fair. And if we manage to step back from our obsession with our selfs, that part of our suffering - the part we inflict ourselves - collapses like a house coming down. Let this part go - and your despair will reduce significantly. Basically, our ego and our suffering principally is one and the same, and the smaller our ego, the smaller our suffering. What remains in suffering beyond the ego, is part of human nature and is still real - but you will be able to deal with it, to observe it, make it an object of close examination - and learn a whole plenty much more about yourself that way, and the unbelievable nature of existence even if factors of it are unpleasant. Nobody will give you a guarantee that you survive what lies ahead of you - but in case you do : what man will you be afterwards when you have not used the opportunity to learn about yourself? The same you are now, vulnerable, in fear, in despair, waiting helplessly for the next sky falling down on him. So, as I see it, you have nothing to lose if you try to learn: it can only become better.

Try to break through your isolation. But no matter whether you succeed in that or not, aim at not running away from yourself anymore, but confront the experiences of your life as it is present for you. What you currently go through, is your life, whether you like it or not. The events are not good or bad in themselves - they are happening, just that. They happen. And you are part of the events, you are the one witnessing them, and by your participation influence their outcome. Your attitude already makes a difference, to some quantity. You may like it, or not, you may be young or old, and you may think it is unfair or not - but that's how it is. Things happen. So why shouldn't they happen to you?

Again, I am neither careless, nor unsensitive. I have had health issues myself and was uncertain about the future, and long time ago accompanied dying people for some time, when I was studying. I know that what I tell you is considered unpolite by some, and maybe will make you even angry (being angry feels better than being afraid, btw.). But I think, and know by experience, that telling just some phrases may be meant kind and nice, but only carry you over the hour, but never over the day, and that truths offering more chances for improvements often are harsh and unwelcomed, because the imply the need of chnaging old habits. I do not know how it all will end for you, nobody knows that, no even you or your doctors. I remember a certain person, who was old and had three types of cancer, and she was dying for sure, and she did. That was at a gerontological station. She was the last of her family, no visitors ever. But she was one of the most self-aware persons I have ever met, and paradoxically this led her to not focussing on herself, but very much on others. Her self dissappeared the more the more she oriented her self towards the other, and by that her fear dissappeared, and by that she lessened the fear of the others a bit, too. When the time to leave has come for me, I hope I will be able to do it the way she did.

This has taught me one fundamental lesson that illustrated that my teacher and mentor was so very very right. For ourselves, or better: for our selfs, there is no freedom. Freedom can only be gained at the price of self-transcendence, and letting go the self.

So make the best of it: try to get relief from your self. Don't emotionally react and don't intellectually comment to things happening "to you" in the context of things currently occupying your mind. It'S enough if you are aware of what is happening around you. That'S the key to true freedom. Just witness what is happening. Break the old pattern. Your old way of reacting to your problems, obviously do not serve you well - you are suffering, you are in despair, you even go public, that cueless you are.

So now that you have tried your way, why don't you try this way?

[RedMenace]

Originally Posted by Skybird

Why not you?

I do not mean to be unsensitive, or assaulting. But there are two kinds of suffering. The one is part of the condition that defines us as human beings. Being that, we are vulnerable to certain things that can cause us physical or psychological pain. But then there is an addon-type of pain we create all by ourselves, without need, that comes from thinking we are special, the universe revolves around us and we have a special deal with some kind of "fate" laying out there in wait for us. In other words: our ego takes a deep breath and blows itself up bigger than it already is. And when we slam into a situation that is totally different than what we expected - even demanded - of our future -, then we are left stunned in the sand, shocked.

Close examination of ourselves and how our perceptions - especially in times of suffering, pain and despair - are functioning and keep the show running, holds the chance of gaining great relief from ourselves, or better: gaining great relief from our selfs. Times of crisis serves that purpose best, because most of us do not see any need to ever deal with ourselves as long as we are happy and life is gentle and fair. And if we manage to step back from our obsession with our selfs, that part of our suffering - the part we inflict ourselves - collapses like a house coming down. Let this part go - and your despair will reduce significantly. Basically, our ego and our suffering principally is one and the same, and the smaller our ego, the smaller our suffering. What remains in suffering beyond the ego, is part of human nature and is still real - but you will be able to deal with it, to observe it, make it an object of close examination - and learn a whole plenty much more about yourself that way, and the unbelievable nature of existence even if factors of it are unpleasant. Nobody will give you a guarantee that you survive what lies ahead of you - but in case you do : what man will you be afterwards when you have not used the opportunity to learn about yourself? The same you are now, vulnerable, in fear, in despair, waiting helplessly for the next sky falling down on him. So, as I see it, you have nothing to lose if you try to learn: it can only become better.

Try to break through your isolation. But no matter whether you succeed in that or not, aim at not running away from yourself anymore, but confront the experiences of your life as it is present for you. What you currently go through, is your life, whether you like it or not. The events are not good or bad in themselves - they are happening, just that. They happen. And you are part of the events, you are the one witnessing them, and by your participation influence their outcome. Your attitude already makes a difference, to some quantity. You may like it, or not, you may be young or old, and you may think it is unfair or not - but that's how it is. Things happen. So why shouldn't they happen to you?

Again, I am neither careless, nor unsensitive. I have had health issues myself and was uncertain about the future, and long time ago accompanied dying people for some time, when I was studying. I know that what I tell you is considered unpolite by some, and maybe will make you even angry (being angry feels better than being afraid, btw.). But I think, and know by experience, that telling just some phrases may be meant kind and nice, but only carry you over the hour, but never over the day, and that truths offering more chances for improvements often are harsh and unwelcomed, because the imply the need of chnaging old habits. I do not know how it all will end for you, nobody knows that, no even you or your doctors. I remember a certain person, who was old and had three types of cancer, and she was dying for sure, and she did. That was at a gerontological station. She was the last of her family, no visitors ever. But she was one of the most self-aware persons I have ever met, and paradoxically this led her to not focussing on herself, but very much on others. Her self dissappeared the more the more she oriented her self towards the other, and by that her fear dissappeared, and by that she lessened the fear of the others a bit, too. When the time to leave has come for me, I hope I will be able to do it the way she did.

This has taught me one fundamental lesson that illustrated that my teacher and mentor was so very very right. For ourselves, or better: for our selfs, there is no freedom. Freedom can only be gained at the price of self-transcendence, and letting go the self.

So make the best of it: try to get relief from your self. Don't emotionally react and don't intellectually comment to things happening "to you" in the context of things currently occupying your mind. It'S enough if you are aware of what is happening around you. That'S the key to true freedom. Just witness what is happening. Break the old pattern. Your old way of reacting to your problems, obviously do not serve you well - you are suffering, you are in despair, you even go public, that cueless you are.

So now that you have tried your way, why don't you try this way?

Thank you, your words mean much to me. I know what you mean about all this... I dealt with many of these issues back in high school as well, and gained some self-transcendence even then through it. There's only so many
needles and so much vomit you can endure before you start to realize you are not on some pleasant hedonistic rollercoaster. It's shaped my way of thinking, and by extension, my life. I'd even say maybe it's shaped my mind for the better.

But... now that it's not letting up, I just can't shake this haunting feeling that the universe doesn't really want me here. Kind of a self-centered thought, but it's hard to let go. I mean, there's a reasonable amount of suffering you can expect from life in general... but what do I do when the suffering becomes literally unreasonable? When you look ahead to the future, and your suffering only looks exponential?

I don't know. Lot's of thinking to do. Lot's and lot's and lot's of thinking to do.

[Castout]

Skybird... everybody's special just most haven't figured it out many never will
yet still more cease believing because they didn't really understand or know what made them special

The children of Adam through God's grace could even be more special than even the angels. Don't let anyone including yourself to tell you otherwise! You're special you just might not have realized that yet!

If you still doubt that, look into the eyes of your sweetheart or your own children...don't tell me you can't see them special if not magical! We were once those children too and what has changed? nothing just our perception about ourselves! Because what we see in the mirror often deceive us.

[Skybird]

Originally Posted by RedMenace

Thank you, your words mean much to me. I know what you mean about all this... I dealt with many of these issues back in high school as well, and gained some self-transcendence even then through it. There's only so many
needles and so much vomit you can endure before you start to realize you are not on some pleasant hedonistic rollercoaster. It's shaped my way of thinking, and by extension, my life. I'd even say maybe it's shaped my mind for the better.

But... now that it's not letting up, I just can't shake this haunting feeling that the universe doesn't really want me here. Kind of a self-centered thought, but it's hard to let go. I mean, there's a reasonable amount of suffering you can expect from life in general... but what do I do when the suffering becomes literally unreasonable? When you look ahead to the future, and your suffering only looks exponential?

I don't know. Lot's of thinking to do. Lot's and lot's and lot's of thinking to do.

Viktor Frankl, psychotherapist, founder of the so-called logotherapy and himself a KZ survivor, said: "People do not want to be happy. People want to have a reason to be happy."

Finding a meaning in our lives, cannot be argued to be one of the greatest drives and motives in our lives. All religion, most part of science is probably motivated by it. If we see reason in our suffering, we endure it better. Statistics show that KZ prisoners managing to nevertehless see a reason for life, were more liekly to survive, than those who lost all hope and fell for despair. "Wer ein Warum zum Leben hat, erträgt fast jedes Wie."

One or two days ago, I read a german essay where a cosmologistz stated that in mathematics, part of the math gets invented in the process of calculating knopwn problems. In other words, the truths math seems to find, gets very much created by itsxelf, by the process of using math. Chemical and biological scientists speak of self-emerging structures and dissipative structures. In psychology, radical constructivists talk of the mind inventing and cinstructing the conditions it then think sit has jujst discovered "outside" itself. In Chos theory it is said that all future order and complex structure, although not causally preset, nevertheless already is embedded in former states of patterns of simplier complexity, and are just unfolding, like a tree, althoiuigh not present inside a nut, nevertheless emerges from that nut, specific in it'S type, but nevertheless totally unpredetermined in its specific details and future fate.

All this are hints at that there is not just one, fixed, preset meaning to be found, but that the meaning gets created by the process of unfolding it, constructing it, realising it, adding it to the worlds of phenomenons. And that means: we are adding the meaning to the world. We are the context that links phenomenon and meaning. There is no real differentiation possible bertween subkject and object, observer and what he observes. There is only the process, the event of observing, of becoming aware.

What is it that is observing, and looks out to the world through your eyes? What is it that is aware of yourself, thinks of yourselve as "me", and identifies itself with you although "you" is contantly changing, and every six years materialistically (???) is completely replaced down to the last atom in your ever changing body?

And one step further, one could say: since we define the context by by adding meaning to what we perceive, WE ARE THE MEANING. We are both imortant, and totally unimportant. We are unique, and nothing special at all. We are what it all is about - but the univese sure as hell is not revolving just around us.

I find it helpful in times of sadness, to focus on a context of greater scaling. To me, it has become astronomy in recent months (again). Thinkling about those unimaginable disatances and spaces, dimensions and time standards, helps me to step back from myself and put myself into a more appropriate relation to it all. Sometimes, the void pout there is scaring me to death, when my mind starts to dive into it. But this outer space as well as the inner space one experiences when practicing meditation regularly over a longer time, only is horrifying as long as one stares at it, but still does not dare to jump right into it. It'S like trying to drive a boat on a wild river, with one hand still grabbing a hold at the beach: you fight against the water and the waves, and you fight for breath since water is all above you and the boat tries to resist the force of the waves. But when you let go and allow to get carried by the water, the river suddenly carries you away, but also does not cover you with waves all time long, since you allow yourself to move up and down together with the waves. Or you take a dive: on the surface, the waves are hautnign you and stirring and rocking you, but just some meters below, the water is is calm and more peaceful.

But it takes courage to make that first step. Or big suffering that makes one believe one has no other choice.

You currently are set for looking after some answers to existential crisis you seem to face at this time of your life. I cannot help poyu muc h, just turn your head into a direction where to look yourself, thining that at that direction you have the best chances to see something that might be of help for you. Therefore, I would like to recommend you two books. I know them both inside out, and have worked with them and used them in classes/courses. This is no attempt by me to missionise, do not get me wrong. I am cnvinced indeed that everybody can read them and see their value without being offended or feelig crioticised, no matter whether he is atheist, Jew, Christian or Hindu. The only people who will feel offended are fundamentalists, conservatives in hate of chnages, and clever Dicks thinking they already know it all.

http://www.amazon.com/Knowledge-Free...5757309&sr=8-1

This is a book I learned at university, I got iontroduced to it by my professor at that time who accompanied me until my diploma. It's great in leading people to a way of asking questions by which they m,ust not accept knpowledge given to them on a silver plate, but find the answers themselves, and in right the exact dosis meeting their capabilities best. Do not be mistaken by the title: the book does nto give you answers. It is filled with questions and doubts from the first to the last page.
Tjhe author is a Tibetan scholar, but the book neverthjeless is "cultiure-free", there is no Buddhist terminology or indoctrination. Everything it says you can check and analyse yourself, maitaining an empirical working method in the best meaning of it.

http://www.amazon.com/Free-Yourself-...5757843&sr=8-1

This is the best and the only book I recommend on the issue of spirituality. Do not think of it in terms of obscure religion just because of the title. I know the author, he has been my second teacher after I left Berlin, and I owe him a lot, he also chased me away after a while and said that he could not teach me more and that I should teach myself, which for the years to come I did (without his kick I never would have found the courage to do so). At the time he wrote that book, he used to be without compromise, and very pragmatic. He meant it well and thus was supportive, friendly - but kind of harsh. Fighting to gain inner freedom is no adventurous or sentimental issue, no soft wallowing in cosy emotions and collective feel-well sit-ins. It is a brutal battle: tough, lonely, desperate, and it is about nothing else but your life (and freedom). Every priest or social worker or helpful spirit telling you different and offering you softer, easier "shortcuts", is a lying bastard and should get his tongue ripped out.

Again, this is not just some more scriptutre trying to missionise people into Buddhism or Christianity. I am atheist, so I hardly feel any loyalty for churches, Buddhists or Christian communities. There is little sense in trying to put in words what "it" is all about, but this little book gets that impossible job better done than most others. But one word of advise: I am hesitent to recommend it, because by past experiences I know that many people find it too uncompromising, even merciless - most did not read it to the end, for that reason. And it is all that indeed, in a way. It leaves the reader no space to play foolish mindgames, or to manouver in an effort to evade uncomfortable truths. Either read it in full, or do not even start. The worst you can do is to start reading it and then break off after the first quarter because you think what you believed in so far is being put into doubt too much.

If you want to soar with a paraglide, sooner or later you must jump out of the plane, even if it scares you.

These two usually are the only two books I ever recommend when somebody asked me for a book on these issues. You did not ask, I know, but I wanted to give you something more than just a forum post, something that you can take into your hands, carry home and start investigating.

I hope it serves you well. But I don't say it is easy travelling. If you curse me first, but later smile, I know that I did something right. If you only smile, then I know that my intention failed.

Good luck!

[antikristuseke]

Walk it off you pansie!

Seriously though can't think of anything helpful to say other than hang in there and don't loose hope. Also try not to take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.

[Castout]

Originally Posted by antikristuseke

Also try not to take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.

That is SOME words of wisdom THERE

I salute you for those words

I'm going to steal it for my sig!

[Onkel Neal]

Very sorry to hear that, Red. Not that anything I can say will help, but look for the positive things in your life, whatever they may be, and focus hard on them. Hold tight to the bright side, and don't give up the fight, man. We're pulling for you.

Also, modern medicine is amazing, you have that going for you.

[antikristuseke]

Originally Posted by Castout

That is SOME words of wisdom THERE

I salute you for those words

I'm going to steal it for my sig!

I can't really take credit for that quotation, saw it on the internets somewhere.

[Torvald Von Mansee]

Good luck.

[RedMenace]

Originally Posted by Skybird

And one step further, one could say: since we define the context by by adding meaning to what we perceive, WE ARE THE MEANING. We are both imortant, and totally unimportant. We are unique, and nothing special at all. We are what it all is about - but the univese sure as hell is not revolving just around us.

It's moments like these that remind me how much of my time I spend trying to scramble my way up the sides of life. How much time I spend worrying about how I'm viewed, what I do, how I do it. Somehow we build lives up that do nothing but distract us from the main point. Sometimes I forget I exist. Sometimes I even forget what that means. Moments like these remind me that to exist is something much more than pleasure. It's something much more than pain. It's something else... I just don't know what to call it.

[Jimbuna]

Stay positive and never give in.....I hope everything turns out well for you

[Takeda Shingen]

I delayed posting due to the fact that I have never been in a position like this, and as such anything I would say would come across as condescendingly trite. I can only echo the sentiments of the others in wishing you health and peace.

[AVGWarhawk]

You are in a bind healthwise certainly and you are also at a crossroad in your life. You are now in college wondering what to study. What major to take up. Add this to what is already on your mind and yes...seems like a very crappy hand to play. But, as many have already posted here, your youth is on your side. Kidney transplant at your current age is very promising. Just keep on getting up Red and don't let it get you down. Follow what you doctors say to the letter concerning your kidney problem.