U-555 (Story)

JokerOfFate · 09-16-10, 06:41 PM

"What do we do when we run out of food?" ask my Chief
"We starve, have we run out of food,Chief?" I reply
"Well sort of, you see one of the men used the other toilet and flushed the last of our supplies down"
"Well, surface the boat and man the flak gun" I say
[Out on the Bridge later on]
"Are you sure this will work,sir?" asks my watch officer
"Of course it will work" I say "Its my idea"
"Lunch Ahoy!" One of the watch yell
The flak gunner opens fire on the seagull, the flak gunner missing every shot
even though the bird was sitting on the periscope the whole time.
I grab the flak gun and fire at the bird, killing it, as a sort of joke the bird's body flys off the periscope hitting me in the face, Stunned I throw the bird off the ship.
"Officer, get the bird!" I shout
"But I cann't swim!"
"Then learn!" I yell thowing him over the edge

End of part 6

CaptainMattJ. · 09-16-10, 09:19 PM

i hope, for your sake, this is a generalized summary/excerpts. even if they are, its still not anywhere good enough to even be considered forpublishing.

you need to forcefully grab your reader with your words. use more detailed, descriptive vocabulary. go into about 20 times more depth then what your telling us here. Action, suspense, foreshadowing all the good stuff. you need to drench your entire story with all reading elements such as suspense, foreshadowing ect. if you sucked the details out of the great books, youd be left with a 2 page bland dull summary. More Dialouge! More action! Make that 2 page summary into a 300 page fatso. And if you want to get the attention of Most subsimmers here, for GOD sakes be as realistic as possible. make EVERYTHING to the dot. dont make your sub suddenly sprout wings and fire plasma torpedoes against escorts.

If this is going to be a massive comedy, i suggest you call a cartoonist and have him publish this. itd be a better cartoon then book.

JokerOfFate · 09-17-10, 12:59 AM

No its just me messing around with some ideas, I'm trying to keep it short although I only ever wrote a few full books, but they were all drama so really I'm just trying something new, But thanks for the tips I'll try them out.

09-16-10, 09:19 PM	#2
CaptainMattJ. The Old Man Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Sin City Posts: 1,364 Downloads: 55 Uploads: 0	i hope, for your sake, this is a generalized summary/excerpts. even if they are, its still not anywhere good enough to even be considered forpublishing. you need to forcefully grab your reader with your words. use more detailed, descriptive vocabulary. go into about 20 times more depth then what your telling us here. Action, suspense, foreshadowing all the good stuff. you need to drench your entire story with all reading elements such as suspense, foreshadowing ect. if you sucked the details out of the great books, youd be left with a 2 page bland dull summary. More Dialouge! More action! Make that 2 page summary into a 300 page fatso. And if you want to get the attention of Most subsimmers here, for GOD sakes be as realistic as possible. make EVERYTHING to the dot. dont make your sub suddenly sprout wings and fire plasma torpedoes against escorts. If this is going to be a massive comedy, i suggest you call a cartoonist and have him publish this. itd be a better cartoon then book. __________________ A popular Government without popular information nor the means of acquiring it, is but a Prologue to a Farce or a Tragedy or perhaps both. Knowledge will forever govern ignorance, and a people who mean to be their own Governors must arm themselves with the power knowledge gives - James Madison

09-16-10, 06:41 PM	#1
JokerOfFate Sonar Guy Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 387 Downloads: 7 Uploads: 0	"What do we do when we run out of food?" ask my Chief "We starve, have we run out of food,Chief?" I reply "Well sort of, you see one of the men used the other toilet and flushed the last of our supplies down" "Well, surface the boat and man the flak gun" I say [Out on the Bridge later on] "Are you sure this will work,sir?" asks my watch officer "Of course it will work" I say "Its my idea" "Lunch Ahoy!" One of the watch yell The flak gunner opens fire on the seagull, the flak gunner missing every shot even though the bird was sitting on the periscope the whole time. I grab the flak gun and fire at the bird, killing it, as a sort of joke the bird's body flys off the periscope hitting me in the face, Stunned I throw the bird off the ship. "Officer, get the bird!" I shout "But I cann't swim!" "Then learn!" I yell thowing him over the edge End of part 6

09-17-10, 12:59 AM	#3
JokerOfFate Sonar Guy Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 387 Downloads: 7 Uploads: 0	No its just me messing around with some ideas, I'm trying to keep it short although I only ever wrote a few full books, but they were all drama so really I'm just trying something new, But thanks for the tips I'll try them out.