Jokes about Jewish people

[August]

Cleaning the Outhouse

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living on a hardscrabble West Virginia farm way back up in the hills.

One day Pa notices that the hole under their outhouse is full so he goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse n the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Well Pa thanks the neighbor then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse as instructed. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse, then lights them and quickly takes cover behind a nearby tree.

All of a sudden Ma bursts out of the house and runs straight into the outhouse before Pa can warn her! Seconds later BOOM!, off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. Then WHAM!, off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Horrified Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Great Horny Toads, Ma, are you all right??!!" Ma smiles as she pulls up her panties and says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't let that fart out in the kitchen!".

[Platapus]

What is the difference between Catholic Priests and Pimples?

Pimples wait until you are a teenager before coming out over your face.

[Bilge_Rat]

here is one for americans:

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by UnderseaLcpl

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

Fair is fair

Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Bilge_Rat]

Originally Posted by Platapus

Fair is fair

Only In America

...
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

LoL, love that last one...

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by Platapus

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

my wife is terrible about this.

One day i just went out and threw a sh*t ton of it away and moved her car inside.

she may have not learned anything from Mr. Arsonist... but I did.

[TLAM Strike]

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”




This one is for Steve...


A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.” “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”