Periscope Depth (Balz)

[Brag]

Lt. Kalb writes:
U-123
26 Oktober 1940

On the twentieth day of our patrol, Bernard gathered enough courage to join us for breakfast. All this time he had been avoiding Balz by hanging from the overhead disguised as a bunch of farting bananas. Balz glanced at Bernard and continued chewing on a piece of stale bread. I let out a sigh of relief as I had expected another explosive scene.
Finished with his coffee, Balz asked me, "How many days has it been since we heard a ship?"
"I lost count. It was at least three books ago." Life in a submarine is dull. There's little difference between night and day. The days blend into each other in a long chain of tedium. We could have been out for a week, a month, a year. Only the books brought aboard and exchanged by the crew bring relief. I had been reading Faust when we encountered a large freighter.
"Books," Balz grumbled. "I'm tired of reading." His face brightened. "I'm going to write one. I will call it …
"You will call a book? I'd like to see that," Bernard said. "How are you going to call it? Come here, bookie, bookie, bookie?"
"You triple retarded moron," Balz answered. "I'm going to title it."
"A noble book with a title. You have to make it at least a Count."
"You are stupider than that bunch of farting bananas we have hanging in the galley."
"Höhrspielong, Herr Kaleun," The hydrophone operator announced.
I moved out of the way so Balz could crawl from his corner.
He took the spare headset and listened. "Ooh, ooh. I hear the distant murmur of screws approaching like on a garden path surrounded by roses. Oh, you hoochie woochie."
I headed for the Zentralle to begin the attack plot. Balz grabbed me by the sleeve. "Kalb. Before the attack, a commander has to make several important decisions."
"Jawhol, Herr Kaleun."
"On a day like today, considering light sparkling seas and a cloudless sky. Should I wear the bunny ears, or the chicken tea cozy?"
Balz put the bunny tea cozy on. "How do I look, is that me?"
"You look very heroic," Bernard said. "As admirable as our dear Fűhrer."
The Fuhrer is not in the Kriegsmarine and wears brown, he has a girlfriend called Eva Braun and a rocket scientist called Werner von Braun. We wear blue."
I left Balz and Bernard and got busy with preparations to attack.

An hour later, the choir was assembled and waiting for the signal to start singing. Balz raised the periscope. "Perfect. Rohr einz, loss!" He lowered his arm and the choir twirled and sang "Thee Great Balz's Ttorpedo Will Hit Boom-boom Hoochie Woochie.
"Torpedo running true," the soundman said.
"Ah another great Balz shot." The captain turned to me. "The moment has come for us to emerge from the darkness and cold embrace of the eternal ocean. In nautical terms, this means--Surface!

We surfaced near the stricken Large freighter and approached it slowly. Balz had exchanged his tea cozy for a bowler hat and wore a burgundy smoking jacket with all his medals.
"Ah what a sight. A sparkling sea dotted with gold, an azure sky hosting the warm sun, and a ship sinking to provide drama to the scene." Balz lit a cigar and hailed the British Ship. "Hallo there, Englanders. I am Balz, hero of the Kriegsmarine. Would you be so kind to answer a few questions?"
Balz took a piece of paper out of his pocket and read. "On a scale of one to ten. How satisfactory do you find the torpedo boom-boom?"
"Are you effing bonkers?"
"On a scale of one to ten, how satisfactory do you find to be sunk by the great Balz?"
"Wait 'til our destroyers take care of you, Balztard."
"When the newspapers interview you, will you make sure they spell my name right?"
The freighter's speakers bellowed. "Abandon ship."
"While you lower your boats, my Choir will provide entertainment for you by twirling and singing Row, Row Your Boat Hochie-Woochie.

Two lifeboats pulled away from the sinking hulk. The choir finished singing It's a Long Way to Hoochie-Woochie.
Balz threw the cigar end into the sea. "The time has come for us to return to the depths and vanish from sight beneath the cobalt blue waters. It is so un-poetic to just say, periscope depth."





Reminder: When you purchase the espionage thriller Kingmaker you are in for an exciting read and you help Brag get his beer ration.