A lonely ship (Balz)

[Missing Name]

It's all a brilliant plan by the Royal Navy to get Balz out of their hair. It's actually a destroyer, disguised as a cruise ship, painted to look like a tanker. "Renowned sub driver sinks neutral ship in cold blood!"

[Gargamel]

I was wondering if there would ever be a Balz compilation.

But then I realized, this is not the LS U-46 thread, which stands on it's own. This is more like mystery Science Theatre 3k, where the audience is much a part of the cast as the characters themselves.

The Balz stories would not be nearly as entertaining without the peanut gallery. Especially when the peanut gallery steers the plot some. (Vaguely remember Balz and FK having a rendezvous in a Tiger).

Keep it up Brag.

And you should seriously consider writing the Epic of Balz, in the format of Hitchiker's guide, or Mercury Falls. Slapstick comedy. It could be a classic....... musical........

[Brag]

This is not my day, Balz thought. "How do you say Friday in Japanese?" he asked no one in particular.
"Are you planning to commit seppuku on a Friday?" Bernard asked while polishing the UZO lenses.
"No, I just want it to be a good strong German Sunday with a nice French wine instead of this doomsday day of doom and desolation brought to us by dastardly damnation."
The torpedo hit the tanker and the shock wave shook the conning tower.
"Prepare to zum," Balz ordered in his parade ground style.
"Fat iz da prepare to zum," Schnitzel asked.
"Ach, I must ex'plain efferthing. Balz groused. " To zum a zumbarine is to zumb it into into the zumberzible mode on a Japanese Friday. And don't forget to close the hatches."
"Aye, Sir."
"In the German Navy we don't say aye except when speaking English in Japanese. Balz's gaze was drawn to the sinking tanker. The sight made him sad. "Take this boat down to 200 meters, I need to do some deep thinking

[VONHARRIS]

Originally Posted by Brag

"Take this boat down to 200 meters, I need to do some deep thinking

How do you come up with that stuff? Absolutely great!

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Gargamel

I was wondering if there would ever be a Balz compilation.

Use the Search function. Type in Balz. Select Thread Titles Only. On the right side click 'Silent Hunter 3'. You'll get a list of every Balz thread ever. Start at the last and work your way forward.

Originally Posted by VONHARRIS

How do you come up with that stuff? Absolutely great!

He's a writer by trade. That's what they do.

[Brag]

"Stabilized at two hundred meters," Zeiler Zteve announced.
"Is that at high or low tide?" Balz asked
"Huh?" Werner Schnitzel exclaimed. "That wasn't covered in cadet school."
"That's because you have not practiced deep thinking." Balz chuckled and poured himself a cup of tea.
"When we are two hundred meters under the sea, we are deeper than whale scheisse, which lies at the bottom. Bernard volunteered.
Balz looked around. "Who authorized this nitwit to express his lower than scheisse opinion?" Balz opened the tea cozy locker and rummaged inside until he found the pink bunny one he liked to wear when thinking of Frau Kaleun. But the tea cozy did not help. The image of thousands of tons of whale dung triggered by Bernard remained in the forefront of Balz's great mind. Again he asked, "Are we two hundred meters below the high or low tides?"
"Oh no," Bernard screamed. If we are below the low tide, we're gonna die. He hit the blow ballast button and U 123 shot for the surface.
Unable to prevent his boat from surfacing, Balz sighed. All he needed now was an enemy airplane flying in the vicinity and he stuck without compressed air and empty ballast tanks.,

[Gargamel]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Use the Search function. Type in Balz. Select Thread Titles Only. On the right side click 'Silent Hunter 3'. You'll get a list of every Balz thread ever. Start at the last and work your way forward.

Yes, been there and done that, but I wonder if there will ever be a compilation of the threads.....

In fact an animated little movie with a silhouetted audience, MST3kesque, with the peanut gallery comments in bubbles would be awesome.

[VONHARRIS]

Bernard is asking for trouble
Or may trouble is Bernard's best friend!

[Brag]

Completely out of control the submarine rose out of the ocean depths. Balz felt the deck plates pushing againstt he soles of his feet.
"Goooing up," Bernard said," Next floor tea cozies and captain's toys,"
"Captain's toys?" I'll buy you a Bernardniverous giant panda" .
The submarine broke surface and Balz raced to the bridge. He flung the hatch open snd heard the throaty rumble of an aircraft radial engine..
From the bridge, he watched the airplane fly away from the sub. "Ha. ha, you merkin fools- Only me, the great Balz can surface with such impunity."
The airplane kept flying away.
Seized by uncontrollable laughter, Balz fell and rolled on the bridge deck.
Lieutenant Werner Schnitzel grabbed Balz by the shoulder. "Herr Kaleun, get up, war is serious business."
"Ha, if war was serious business we¿d wave our caps in friendly greeting at the enemy instead of shooting at each other. Man is more afraid in making new friends than meeting old enemies.".

[VONHARRIS]

Originally Posted by Brag

. "Ha. ha, you merkin fools- Only me, the great Balz can surface with such impunity."
.

Indeed , only the greatest of the great Kaleuns can pull such a stunt off!

Lieutenant Werner Schnitzel grabbed Balz by the shoulder

I like the name! Ha ha.

[Aktungbby]

Originally Posted by Brag

The sea was flat like the surface of a ping pong table.. With satisfaction, Balz observed the tanker moving from right to left. "Ping the pong," He commanded.
"Huh?" Lt. Werner Schnitzel asked.
"Verbalize your question into words and sentences. so that I can understand your question when not speaking Japanese."
"I have said huh in German, Herr Kaleun. which means what does ping the pong mean in Japanese."
Balz pointed at the tanker. "See that ship agitating the ping pong effect of the sea?"
"Yes, Herr Kaleun."
"Well, be a good lad and sink it."
Like dirty laundry flapping in the wind an enemy shell flew overhead.
"The enemy is engaging us, Herr Kaleun." Bernard said.- Can we submerge so I can say Wasserbomben?"
"Tankers don¿t carry Wasserbomben," Balz said.
Another shell whirred overhea.
Balz sighed. "I guess it is time for me to demonstrate my fantastic ship sinking skill- Bring my chicken tea cozy on deck."
Balz descended from the conning tower and flexed his fingers.
Zeiler Zteve removed the cat tea cozy from Balz's head and replaced it with the pink chicken one.
The choir made chicken noises.
Balz sat at the gunner's station,. Blam. The gun fired. The shell hit directly on the bow gun of the tanker.
Balz stood to receive applause from the crew.



To be continued

"Starboard to port": literary poetic-license only excuses so much! Otherwise the best writing in the forum I'm getting my own teacozy for enhanced realism!