Jokes To Offend Everyone

[Jimbuna]

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[Jimbuna]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

Oi whats your disability?

I said "Tourettes, you fuc*ing cu*t!"

[StdDev]

A redhead & a blonde pass a flower shop as the redhead spots her fella buying flowers.

Redhead says "Oh damnit, he always has expectations after buying me flowers.
I don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air".

The blonde says ..."Don't you have a vase"

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One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend
Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."*

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."


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Two Scots, the best man Archie and the groom Jock are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Ach, it's all going to be grand", says Jock. "I've everything organized already, the flowers, the church, the cards, the reception, the rings, the minister, and you've taken care of ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw; you'll look pure deed smart in that!"

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white....."

[Jimbuna]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

[SUBMAN1]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Jimbuna]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

[Kapitan_Phillips]

President Bush was giving a speech in a Cornish Primary School one day, infront of a hundred or so children. Bush comes in surrounded by security and steps to the front, and says:

"Okay, before we begin, are there any questions you'd like to ask me?"

A little boy put his hand up in the front row.

"Yes sir, Mr President, my name is Billy and I have two questions. Why is it you're president of the United States when Mr Gore had more votes than you did, and where is Bin Laden?"

And with that, the school bell went for lunch, and all the children filed out to eat. An hour later, they reconvened, and once again, George Bush asks:

"Are there any other questions before we begin?"

And another boy puts up his hand.

"Yes sir, Mr President, I have four questions. Why is it you're president of the United States when Mr Gore had more votes than you did, Where is Bin Laden, Why did the school bell go twenty minutes early today, and where is Billy?"

[Stealth Hunter]

What do you call 100 white men running down a hill? Avalanche
What do you call 100 black men running down a hill? Mudslide
What do you call 100 mexicans running down a hill? Jailbreak!

[Stealth Hunter]

[Dowly]

Originally Posted by Stealth Hunter

What do you call 100 white men running down a hill? Avalanche
What do you call 100 black men running down a hill? Mudslide
What do you call 100 mexicans running down a hill? Jailbreak!

:rotfl::rotfl:

Tho, I prefer this one:

What do you call 100 black men in the bottom of the ocean?
- A good start.

[seafarer]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

On that note - Monty Python -

[Radtgaeb]

So this baby seal walks into a club...

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What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
-A basketball coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
-A quarterback
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 black guys?
-A warden.
(I'm not a racist, I swear! I just repeat the jokes I hear!)
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A man is in court and begins yelling at the judge about what a hard life he has had. The judge looks at him and says "Kid, I deal with the scum of the Earth all day; and then: I have to listen to their clients as well!" (Coming from someone with plans to go into law, nonetheless).
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A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher all go camping in the woods one day. They all bet each other that they can convert a bear to their respective religions within a week, then go out into the wilderness. A week later they meet together again, except the rabbi has a cast on and several bruises and scars.
"Well, I did wonders on my bear! He's being confirmed this Sunday!" the priest said.
"My bear was in tears from the sermon I gave!" said the preacher.
The two looked at the rabbi, and after deducing that he had failed, asked what happened. He replied "Okay, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
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A priest, rabbi, and preacher are fishing one day, and the priest decides to go get a Coke, but instead of rowing the boat to the shore, he gets out and walks across the water to the cooler. The preacher decides to go get a Coke too and copies the miracle performed by the priest. Astonished, the rabbi exclaims "This I must try!!" and gets out and falls into the lake. The priest and preacher look at each other and the priest says "Perhaps we should have told him about the rocks?"
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Wanna hear a great joke?
-Womens' sports!

[Stealth Hunter]

This one is somewhat racist, but don't beat me for it. I thought it was funny.

Where's the best place to hide something from a black man?
Inside his workboots.

[Sailor Steve]

Q: Why does a bride wear white?
A: You want your dishwasher and your stove to match.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs - Californians screw in hot tubs.

One day God decides He's had enough, and tells the Devil he'll prove he's right in a court of law. The Devil says "Don't do it - you'll lose." God replies "What makes you think so?" The Devil says "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

World War Two; the phone rings.
"Fort Bragg, Sergeant's desk."
A sweet little old lady's voice says "Yes. I'd like to do my part for the war effort by having five of your finest young men to my house for thanksgiving dinner."
"That would be wonderful, ma'am! Thank you so much for your consideration!"
"There's just one thing: please make sure they are not Jews."
After a pause the sergeant says "That will be no problem, ma'am. Let me thank you again for your consideration."

Thanksgiving day comes, and as the lady of the manor is having her servants prepare dinner, the doorbell rings. When she opens the door, she sees five black soldiers in their finest dress uniforms. "Oh, my," she stammers, "there must be some mistake!"

The leading black soldier replies "I don't think so, ma'am. Sergeant Steinberg never makes mistakes."