Jokes To Offend Everyone

[SUBMAN1]

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[SUBMAN1]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[SUBMAN1]

Some more for us who are aging gracefully!

-S



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


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Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[Sailor Steve]

How are men and linoleum alike?

Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the next ten years.

[antikristuseke]

What does American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

It's f'in close to water.

[HunterICX]

there are really some good ones in there

HunterICX

[Fish]

An old man is standing at heaven gates, and Peter is asking what he did on earth during his live.
Wel, sayd the old man, I was just a poor carpenter.
Hmmm sayd Peter?
Oh , but I have a world famous son the old mand sayd enthusiastic!
Peter is staring in onbelieve at the man and shout over his shoulder Jesus, there is a old carpenter here who had a famous son while on earth.
Jesus rushes to the gate, shouting 'FATHER'.

The old man: PINOKIO!

[SUBMAN1]

Originally Posted by antikristuseke

What does American beer and sex in a canoe have in common?

It's f'in close to water.

That is funny (I can't believe they call Budweiser beer)! Our Microbrews however will make your European beer look water however!

Try this one next time you get a chance - http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/dogfish...ute-ipa/22904/

I dare you to come back with something to compete with that!

-S

[antikristuseke]

Originally Posted by SUBMAN1

That is funny (I can't believe they call Budweiser beer)! Our Microbrews however will make your European beer look water however!

Try this one next time you get a chance - http://www.ratebeer.com/beer/dogfish...ute-ipa/22904/

I dare you to come back with something to compete with that!

-S

I'll have to admit 21% alcohol by volume in beer is damn impressive, here the strongest that is brewed is 12% by volume, but those beers taste ****ty. I will give this one a go when i get the chanse though, thanks for the link.