I'm 18 and I'm dying. What do I do?

[Skybird]

Originally Posted by RedMenace

I know I'm not supposed take my life for granted as it's had so many nice things in it... but... why does this have to happen to me? Especially now of all times, when things were finally going all right for me? I know it's cliche to say it but... I'm too freaking young to deal with this.

Why not you?

I do not mean to be unsensitive, or assaulting. But there are two kinds of suffering. The one is part of the condition that defines us as human beings. Being that, we are vulnerable to certain things that can cause us physical or psychological pain. But then there is an addon-type of pain we create all by ourselves, without need, that comes from thinking we are special, the universe revolves around us and we have a special deal with some kind of "fate" laying out there in wait for us. In other words: our ego takes a deep breath and blows itself up bigger than it already is. And when we slam into a situation that is totally different than what we expected - even demanded - of our future -, then we are left stunned in the sand, shocked.

Close examination of ourselves and how our perceptions - especially in times of suffering, pain and despair - are functioning and keep the show running, holds the chance of gaining great relief from ourselves, or better: gaining great relief from our selfs. Times of crisis serves that purpose best, because most of us do not see any need to ever deal with ourselves as long as we are happy and life is gentle and fair. And if we manage to step back from our obsession with our selfs, that part of our suffering - the part we inflict ourselves - collapses like a house coming down. Let this part go - and your despair will reduce significantly. Basically, our ego and our suffering principally is one and the same, and the smaller our ego, the smaller our suffering. What remains in suffering beyond the ego, is part of human nature and is still real - but you will be able to deal with it, to observe it, make it an object of close examination - and learn a whole plenty much more about yourself that way, and the unbelievable nature of existence even if factors of it are unpleasant. Nobody will give you a guarantee that you survive what lies ahead of you - but in case you do : what man will you be afterwards when you have not used the opportunity to learn about yourself? The same you are now, vulnerable, in fear, in despair, waiting helplessly for the next sky falling down on him. So, as I see it, you have nothing to lose if you try to learn: it can only become better.

Try to break through your isolation. But no matter whether you succeed in that or not, aim at not running away from yourself anymore, but confront the experiences of your life as it is present for you. What you currently go through, is your life, whether you like it or not. The events are not good or bad in themselves - they are happening, just that. They happen. And you are part of the events, you are the one witnessing them, and by your participation influence their outcome. Your attitude already makes a difference, to some quantity. You may like it, or not, you may be young or old, and you may think it is unfair or not - but that's how it is. Things happen. So why shouldn't they happen to you?

Again, I am neither careless, nor unsensitive. I have had health issues myself and was uncertain about the future, and long time ago accompanied dying people for some time, when I was studying. I know that what I tell you is considered unpolite by some, and maybe will make you even angry (being angry feels better than being afraid, btw.). But I think, and know by experience, that telling just some phrases may be meant kind and nice, but only carry you over the hour, but never over the day, and that truths offering more chances for improvements often are harsh and unwelcomed, because the imply the need of chnaging old habits. I do not know how it all will end for you, nobody knows that, no even you or your doctors. I remember a certain person, who was old and had three types of cancer, and she was dying for sure, and she did. That was at a gerontological station. She was the last of her family, no visitors ever. But she was one of the most self-aware persons I have ever met, and paradoxically this led her to not focussing on herself, but very much on others. Her self dissappeared the more the more she oriented her self towards the other, and by that her fear dissappeared, and by that she lessened the fear of the others a bit, too. When the time to leave has come for me, I hope I will be able to do it the way she did.

This has taught me one fundamental lesson that illustrated that my teacher and mentor was so very very right. For ourselves, or better: for our selfs, there is no freedom. Freedom can only be gained at the price of self-transcendence, and letting go the self.

So make the best of it: try to get relief from your self. Don't emotionally react and don't intellectually comment to things happening "to you" in the context of things currently occupying your mind. It'S enough if you are aware of what is happening around you. That'S the key to true freedom. Just witness what is happening. Break the old pattern. Your old way of reacting to your problems, obviously do not serve you well - you are suffering, you are in despair, you even go public, that cueless you are.

So now that you have tried your way, why don't you try this way?