Revengeful Revenge on Revenge (BALZ)

[Brag]

By morning the rain had stopped. Huge waves lashed at the conning tower. Balz ordered a dive to fifteen meters, maybe he had decided an attack under this conditions would not succeed.

We still got a lot of wallow submerged. Balz listened to the hydrophone. "Lovely, I hear the sweet murmur of lovely, distant screws. Coming toward us is the economic might of the British Empire, unaware that the might of Germany's true Teutonic hero, me Balz is awaiting to demonstrate a lesson of hoochie woochie." He gestured for the choir to sing his latest composition, Give us the Greatness of Balz.

Had we been at PD, the boat would have broached. At fifteen meters, the periscope would make targets visible when in the throughts. Balz said he could only see the masts when aything. We would shoot from a range of fifteen hundred meters.

We set number two and three torpedoes on magnetic and to explode one meter below the battleship's keel.

I was sure the torpedoes would premature or otherwise fail.
"Attack Quartet, hum."
"Salvo loss!"
"Flood tube one . . .Loss! Einz, zwei, hoochie woochie."
One of the salvo torpedoes prematured.
Almost holding our breath, we waited.
In a most unusual manner, Balz kept the periscope up.
The torpedo hit.
"Just aft of the bridge. The one that prematured was to hit the magazines"
The single torpedo struck.
"Under the stern." Balz made a complete sweep. "We have company coming. Dive to eighty meters. Choir to go into silent humming."
"We should have sent number four torpedo, too," I said.
Balz laughed. "To sink a sinking ship?"
"It´s not sinking yet."
"Ha, no battleship survives Balz's salvohoochies."

Anxiously, we listened for the escorts mill about in our vicinity. The soundman announced the battleship was going down.

Half an hour later, Balz announced, "This sinking must be celebrated in an adequate manner with a drink of single malt Scottish whiskey."
"What's a single malt," Bernard asked.
"A whiskey with one malt. That´s what the oppressed Scots drink."
"And what's a several malt whiskey called?"
"An abortion. That's what Englanders drink." Balz poured Scotch into glasses.
"Where did you get it?" I asked.
"From my wine and spirits merchant in London," Balz said.
"London?" I asked, stupefied.
Balz made an expansive gesture. "I send the order to Vito in Genoa. Vito forwards the order to Paco in Barcelona who in turns sends the order to London. The order travels to Spain, then Italy and from there to my address. This is the modern way of shopping, through the Italnet."

[Gerald]

It is what is meant by Italnet. "Strange shipping ...

[HW3]

This is the modern way of shopping, through the Italnet.

[frau kaleun]

Also:

"What's a single malt," Bernard asked.
"A whiskey with one malt. That´s what the oppressed Scots drink."
"And what's a several malt whiskey called?"
"An abortion. That's what Englanders drink."

[Pebble Monkey]

Originally Posted by frau kaleun

Also:

Absolute truth too!

[Brag]

Lorient 3 July 1940

Approaching the deock, Balz said, "I see the Admiral waiting for us. He will congratulate me, shake my hand, give me medals. He will also give out medals for the crew. He will invite me to drink champagne with him so that he´ll have time to properly admire me."

As soon as the gangway was secured, Doenitz hurried aboard. He returned Balz´s salute, cleared his throat. "Balz, what in the devil are you doing here?" "Nothing yet, Herr Admiral."
"Your orders are Wilhelmshaven."
"My boat is severely kaputed. But if you wish I can go to Wilhelmshaven by train and while there I can pick up a type IX."
"The only picking you´ll do is your nose while in the brig."
Balz kept standing at attention. "Do I get a medal for brig time?"
The Admiral´s face grew purple.
A staff officer came aboard holding a telephone. "Der Fuhrer is on the line." Doenitz lifted the receiver. "I am listening, mein Fuhrer Ja, mein Fuhrer," he answered smiling. "He has just arrived. Yes, yes. Very heroic, even though damaged, he heroically pressed the attack until Revenge was no more. I´m promoting him to Kapitan Leutnant. Yes, yes, I will give him leave so he can visit you."
Doenitz handed the receiver to Balz. "Say something to our Fuhrer."
Balz took the phone. "Hi Hitler."
After a brief chat, Balz hung up.
Doenitz glared at Balz. "Before you even ask, the answer is no. And do you know why?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Because you drive me crazy."
"Yes?"
"Yes!"
"Can I ask in Japanese while speaking French?"



Next installment soon

[Pebble Monkey]

Hi Hitler