Jokes about Jewish people

[Platapus]

Just to be an equal opportunity offender...

Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Sailor Steve]

I originally heard this back in the '70s as a Polish joke, but I've used it for just about every state in the Union and a lot of other countries as well:

Why, according to the Bible, could Jesus not have been born in Finland?

Because if you search the whole country you won't find three wise men or any virgins.

[joegrundman]

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"

[joegrundman]

Jewish joke:

Mr. Bernstein and his wife were having lunch in the Savoy Grill.

Upon leaving a very glamourous younger lady ran up to Mr.Bernstein, kissed him on the cheek, and said "can't wait for the weekend", tweaked his behind, and ran off into a taxi.

Mrs. Bernstein looked furious.

Mr. Bernstein said, "look before you say anything, i want you to think of our six bedroom house in Hampstead. Think of our children's private education.Think of our lunches at the Savoy grill, our West End shows, shopping in the best places in London. Think of our summer trips around the world, our country cottage in North Wales, our winter skiing trips and our shopping trips to New York.

Mrs. Bernstein furious, kept silent.

Moments later, as they were getting into a taxi, they saw another man and lady get out of another car and walk arm-in-arm to the grill.

"Oh isn't that Mike Margolis?" asked Mrs. Bernstein

"Yes" answered Mr bernstein

"But that's not his wife" said Mrs Bernstein

"No" answered Mr. Bernstein

"Well", said Mrs Bernstein, "She's not as pretty as our mistress"

[Jimbuna]

Jewish joke:

I think the Bible is totally unrealistic.
I mean, a Jew giving away free fish and bread?

[Schroeder]

Originally Posted by joegrundman

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"

That one is totally unrealistic. There is no way that everything has been satisfactory for a German for five years.

[frau kaleun]

Originally Posted by Schroeder

That one is totally unrealistic. There is no way that everything has been satisfactory for a German for five years.

From my "uncle-in-law" Cy, after attending yet another less-than-successful organizational meeting of the local German-American society:

"I think I finally figured out how to get two Germans to agree on something."

"Really? How?"

"Shoot one of them."

Winners of the 2006 Holocaust cartoon - competition.

This is my favourite.

[STEED]

First of all this is a true Jewish joke I heard many years ago off the radio so please do not be offended.

German.."We only have one bullet for the both of you."

Jew.."The Germans are losing the war, they need there bullets for the front."