First message from U-502 (Balz)

[Brag]

First Officer of U-%02, Otto Kalb writes:

14 August 1941

When we left Lorient on 03 August, we all thought this was going to be a peachy patrol in our spanking new type IXC boat.

Everything was going well and Balz, our captain, was in an exceptionally good mood. enroute to our patrol area, we met an armed Large freighter and sunk it with one eel. Later that morning, we went to full speed ahead to intercept a convoy, with the choir singing: Einz Zwei, Hoochie-Woochie.

The attack went splendidly, two eels, two ships. The captain sent one bottle of schnapps fur ein kleiner schlughen for the crew.

Again, we raced to Balz the convoy during the night.

Perfect approach. The convoy is mostly garbage small ships but Balz spots 2 large freighter. He sends one torp with zero gyro angle at a large freighter 2,000 meters away. Swings the periscope to starboard. "Range 1,700 meters, speed 5 knots. depth 11.5 meters, magnetic on."

He waits a few seconds. "Feur, zwei!"
"Both engines ahead full. Chief, taker down to one fice zero, new heading 320.
We're doing the wiggle-waggle." Balz takes the stop watch out of my hands. "Einz, Zwei, hochie-woochie"

"Torpedo treffer!" The soundman shouts.
"Hoochie-woochie!"
Balz begins to do his Gebalzed Schiff dance. "einz-zwei, boom-boom."

He then halts and looks at the stopwatch. "Kein, boom-bomm." His severe glance roams the Zentralle. "Warum kein boom-boom?"

He pounds the chart table. "A perfect kiel-ripping magnetic and no boom-boom."

"The torpedo missed, Herr Kaleun."
"Kwatch, I the great Balz, fired it myself!"
We can now hear the thumping chug-chug of the big stacker laboring against heavy seas 60 meters overhead.
"Ahead slow, heading two niner zero. Blast, Donner in Himmel. Kein boom-boom!"
I tried to explain that possibly a big wave lifted the target.

"Nein. It's the gods of war who want to humiliate the greatest submariner the world has ever seen. The little bastards are envious of me."

When clear of the convoy and surfaced, Balz told the Funker. "Message to PM Churchill. I, the Great Balz, will cease warlike activities for three days to give you an opportunity to honourably surrender. Should you not accept my magnanimous offer, your merchant fleet is history. I shall not miss again!

3 days passed and no message from Churchil came. Another three days went by without contacts. Balz refused to eat.

100 kilometres southeast of Cape Sao Vicente. A large merchant came from behind and was 1,200 meters away when I looked at the scope. "Herr Kaleun hurry!"

Balz stayed in his bunk. "Sink the bugger, Herr Leutnant."

Without time to calculate a targeting solution, I fired and hit the ship right between holds one and two.

"We Balzed it, Herr Kaleun!" I announced.
"Good," Balz said. "I don't have to get out of bed to sink Tommies. Einz, zwei, hoochie-woochie."