How to make a movie that pretentious arty farty types will love

onelifecrisis · 12-04-10, 01:14 AM

It's real easy.

1. Buy a camera and go somewhere deserted, like a desert, or a deserted town. Film it. Long, slow, ponderous shots are the best. Ideally nothing should move for minutes at a time - not even the camera. Take a good book to read while your camera records.

2. Pay a couple of actors and film them doing nothing in various places. Walking. Sitting. If you can get them to stare meaningfully at inanimate objects, or just into the distance, that's great.

3. Your movie is nearly finished, but there's one thing missing: dialogue! Your actors will need to say something sooner or later. Ideally they should say something without really saying anything. For example, one of them could say "I wonder if..." and then trail off while staring meaningfully at a plate.

4. Edit your film. Make it long, like three hours. Make each shot long as well, but not too long! The objective here is to change camera angles just often enough to stop your audience from falling asleep.

Bingo! Your movie is done. Most people won't like it, but some people will claim it's the most profound thing they've ever seen and you can value their judgements if you want to.

12-04-10, 01:14 AM	#1
onelifecrisis Maverick Modder Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: England Posts: 3,895 Downloads: 65 Uploads: 3	How to make a movie that pretentious arty farty types will love It's real easy. 1. Buy a camera and go somewhere deserted, like a desert, or a deserted town. Film it. Long, slow, ponderous shots are the best. Ideally nothing should move for minutes at a time - not even the camera. Take a good book to read while your camera records. 2. Pay a couple of actors and film them doing nothing in various places. Walking. Sitting. If you can get them to stare meaningfully at inanimate objects, or just into the distance, that's great. 3. Your movie is nearly finished, but there's one thing missing: dialogue! Your actors will need to say something sooner or later. Ideally they should say something without really saying anything. For example, one of them could say "I wonder if..." and then trail off while staring meaningfully at a plate. 4. Edit your film. Make it long, like three hours. Make each shot long as well, but not too long! The objective here is to change camera angles just often enough to stop your audience from falling asleep. Bingo! Your movie is done. Most people won't like it, but some people will claim it's the most profound thing they've ever seen and you can value their judgements if you want to.