Exclusive Interview with Kptlt. J.S. Balz

[Brag]

El Mundo, Madrid
Exclusive Interview with a German U-Boat Commander

Lorient 15 June 1941, by Jaime Arrancibia, exclusive to El Mundo.

EM: What is your name, sir?

JSB: Johan Sebastian Balz.

EM: Were you named after the great composer Johan Sebastian Bach?

JSB: No, he was named after me.

EM: How could that be? He was born many years before you.

JSB: That's easy to explain. In a moment of brilliant enlightment, Bach's parents must have had a flash sight of the future and named their son after a bright star such as myself.

EM: I beg your pardon?

JSB: Would you like me to explain this for you in Spanish? El gran Bach was llamado in my mucho honor because ellos had a flasho of mucho inspiracion como un mucho bright star. El Balz.

EM: (sigh) It is said that you wear a tea cozy when attacking British shipping.

JSB: Want to see me wearing a tea cozy?
(Balz reaches for the briefcase next to him and places several tea cozies on the table).
JSB: How do I look wearing one with bunny ears?

EM. I must say it looks somewhat peculiar.

JSB: I could wear the chicken one and speak French. And here I have a smoking jacket with medals. That way I don't have wear a uniform all the time.

EM: That's ok; the cameraman will take photos of you in uniform.

JSB: I think I look heroic in uniform.

EM: What goes in your mind when you attack a convoy?

JSB: It all depends on the size and composition of the enemy formation also the number and deployment of the escorts must be taken into consideration. When the lead ship is leading the ships that are either in front or behind each other, with one ship in front of the one behind of the ship up front and the ship up front of the one behind, and the one behinf following the one up front one must take position to shoot ahead with the forward tubes and behind with the rear tubes. I only shoot at the ships I aim for. I also make sure that the choir is singing Glory to Balz hoochie-woochie.

EM: Hoochie woochie?

JSB: That identifies the song as having been composed by the great Balz. The choir must twirl counter-clockwise when the hoochie woochie comes.

EM: Why is that?

JSB: We don't want mindless twirling, don't we?

EM: You have a choir?

JSB: want to see it? (Balz turns around and claps his hands. Twenty German sailors march into the room singing,
"Oh when the Balz comes marching in,
oh when the Baaalz comes marching in
It is so hoochie wochie
When the Balz comes marching in.)

EM: Very impressive.

JSB: I agree with you. I am very impressive.

EM: What do you consider the British strongest point?

JSB: Bernard, Bernard, Bernard.

EM. What was your moment of greatest peril?

JSB: That was when we discovered that the farting bananas we had hanging in the galley was really Bernard in disguise.

EM: To what do you attribute your great success?

JSB: My success is successful due to wearing foil-lined tea cozies. This prevents the Englanders from reading my mind. Sometimes I attack in disguise by wearing a bowler hat and carrying a brolly.

EM: Thank you for your time, Herr Kaleun.

JSB: You are welcome. Don't forget to tell your readers that I am the greatest hero of the Kriegsmarine.