And in the beginning, there was Alien.

[Dowly]

Originally Posted by Carter_J_Burke @AvPGalaxy

1: In the beginning Ridley created the Alien
2: And the Alien was an egg, and it sat waiting in darkness, with a bit of a 70's laser effect over the top in the belly of a beast-like structure. And the Spirit of Ridley moved around the belly of the Beast and he was pleased.
3: And Ridley said, Let there be Space: and there was Space, in which no man may scream, He said.
4: And Ridley saw the Space, that it was good: and Ridley put in the Space a Ship
5: And Ridley called the Ship Nostromo in the midst of the Space, and Ridley was glad.
7: And Ridley made the Crew to be Inside the Nostromo, and made the Crew Wake from a long Slumber and answer a ..ahem..' diistress beacon' in an unknown system, and it was so.
8: And Ridley called the Crew Dallas, Ripley, Ash, Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett and Jones. And they Woke from their Slumber all wearing Huggies...including, Jones. ( it was hoped)
9: And Ridley said, Let the Crew in the Nostromo be gathered together unto one place, for breakfast, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
10: And Ridley called the dry land...well he didn't call it anything at this point someone else saw fit to do that; and the gathering together of the Crew ate breakfast: and Ridley saw that it was good.
11: And Ridley said, Let the Crew go forth into the dry land, and seek the beacon, and the Crew were numbered Dallas, Kane and Lambert who whinged verily.
12: And lo the Crew as they scoured the dry land came across the beast-like structure, and into the Belly they didst go through an opening not dissimilar to a 12 foot vagina : and Ripley saw that it was good and didst giggle.
13: And in the Belly of the beast-like structure the Crew discovered a 'thing' which looked a bit like a fossilized 'being' with the appearance of a rhinoplasty gone very very wrong, sat in a Chair... and Ridley kept schtum.
14: And Ridley said Let there be a Hole in the floor and Let Kane of the Crew be dull enough to venture in and find a Cave.. a Cave of Some Sort that would Feel like the Goddam Tropics wherein layest the Eggs that house the Alien that I hath made for this very purpose, and it was so.
15: And Kane found the Eggs in the Cave.. a Cave of Some Sort that would Feel like the Goddam Tropics and put his hand thru the 70's laser effect and fell next to the Eggs like an octagenarian woman who was suffering with her osteoporosis riddled hip, bumping his knee a bit as he did so and cursing quieltly unto himself for fear Ridley might admonish him.
16: And Ridley made Kane place his Helmet nearest an Egg and tarry long enough for the Alien within to burst forth in its lust to have carnal relations with Kane's Helmet. And upon the suspect ahem...'lips' of the Egg opening, it was so, and Ridley laughed like f**k.
17: And Ridley cut to an exterior shot of the beast-like structure with the faint howl of the winds that swept over the dry land and paused for effect.
18: And Ridley said, Let Dallas and the whinging Lambert bring forth f**king sharpishly the unmoving Kane that hath seemingly not much life, and get him to the Dropship (that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven) and back to the Nostromo and it was so.
19: And Ridley made the rest of the Crew wait in readiness, Ash at the airlock hatch and Ripley hogging the radio as per. And on speaking with Dallas, Ripley came over all jobsworth and would not allow admittance to her troubled brethren, until after much uttering of expletives by Dallas, the secretive Ash hit the Open button and Ridley saw that it was in accordance that all he had devised and laughed at the member of the Crew whose name diiffered from His by only one small consonant and Ridley started a solo mexican wave and saw that it was good.
20: And Ridley watched as the Crew struggled to deduce what ailed Kane and what clung limpet like to his melon, and He laughed as the acid almost burnt through the Hull of the Nostromo as the Crew tried to cut off Kane's parasite. Until one day to the great suprise of the Crew they happened upon the dead Alien (barring the odd residual twitching reflex action) and they were puzzled verily.
21: And lo after a period of time Kane Awoke! and sat in all his white romper suit glory on the edge of his bed and lusting for large chicken wings, falafels, mange tout and cake and drinkin the Waters as if he had consumed too much Salt.
23: And Ridley bade unto to the hidden next stage of the Alien, that formed in the very belly of Kane.. wait until the allotted time and burst forth and be fruitful, and multiply after the fashion of a raging drunk Welshman, and fill the corridors of the Nostromo and seek out the feline Jones who hath not worn the Huggies that I hath made and hath shat all over my creation, the Nostromo. And when the allotted time came the Alien did burst forth in much Gore and Blood ( putting Lambert off tripe for life) and ran off seeking Jones, leaving the kitchen area in its wake a bio-hazard version of Sodom and Gomorrah.
24: And Ridley sat back laughing unto himself as he had made the Beast of the Egg to go out into the ship and start a right riot and cause all manner of chaos.
25: And Ridley said, Let us make Ash in our image, after our likeness: but let him Be an artificial human up to no good and let them have secret dominion over Dallas of the Nostromo and be doing some sneaky **** behind the scenes and let him drink milk and it was so.
26: And Ridley then proceeded to cause the Alien to shift its form and grow in size and terrorize the Nostromo , wreaking havoc and causing much tumultuousness and to assail the Crew reducing their number by its devilish attacks and perfect use of its biomechanoid camouflage.
27: And Ridley blessed the Alien, and Ridley said unto him, give the Crew a right run for their money but try to stay away from the Shuttle if you can help it as thats not a good area for you if you get my drift 'wink wink'.
28: And Ridley said also, Behold my lanky creation I have given you the Crew as your soil so that you might plant your seed, Go begat yourself blind My Son but leave the Woman called Ripley till last, as a foresee a sexy situation shall arise where I will get to see her in her 70's style knickers from a low angle and that will be very good, but the rest of the Crew which are in the corridors of the Nostromo, (except Ash whose on your side anyway) I give to you.
29: And so it was that the Alien run everybody ragged as had been Ridley's Design and took the Crew for itself one by one, all save Ripley and Ash (who had already expired in a fracas involving porn mags and milk) and the skulking ****meister that was the feline Jones. But the Alien did not heed the Words of Ridley and on a time entered the Shuttle area and after much lustful sightings of 70's style ladies undergarments Ridely witnessed the Alien explelled into Space as he had forseen and had warned.
30: And Ridley saw every thing that he had made, especially Ripley and behold, it was very good....until Alien 3.

The End

[JU_88]

heh nice one,
Is it just me or does the 'Alien' speices reproduction/life cycle requirements seem a little over complicated and flawed

1) melon head thingy queen lays egg -
2) egg hatch in to spidery thingy
3) spidery thingy must run aroundy to find mamal type organism (IN SPACE ) to face-hug and plant a baby melon head thingy in belly.
4) baby melon head performs obligatory c-section, then grows up (in few hours)
5) melon head plays hide and seek bitey bitey murder with other species (killing potential carriers needed for its spidery reproduction bit)
5).....then providing it doesnt get sucked out of an airlock - it presumably migrates to the some intergalactic equivilant of Florida to go and die of old age?

[Falkirion]

Haha a nice way to look at the franchise. Nice find Dowly

[kiwi_2005]

30: And Ridley saw every thing that he had made, especially Ripley and behold, it was very good....until Alien 3.

Alien 3 is as good as 1 & 2.

While on the old testament Spike Milligan wrote his own version 'The Bible according to Spike Milligan' The short version is the best the long version 180 pages drags on a bit, still a good read for a bit of humor.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it. Spike Milligan

[Dowly]

Originally Posted by kiwi_2005

Alien 3 is as good as 1 & 2.

I agree, quite like A3.

The problem with Alien 3 is the continuity of the story, it has some big holes in it.
Mainly, how the egg got on board Sulaco or if you take the Assembly Cut, how
the Queen egg got on board the Sulaco.

And then there's of course the whole killing off Newt and Hicks to start the flick
which kinda sucked.

[Jimbuna]

Oh dear, I can see Hunter ICX having nightmares about face huggers again

[HunterICX]

HunterICX

[STEED]

Alien 3 Director's Cut is much better.

Even Ridley's Alien Director's Cut is good.


Well I do have the box set of all the films and documentary's and bonus stuff.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Dowly

And then there's of course the whole killing off Newt and Hicks to start the flick
which kinda sucked.

Thanks to that, it's the only movie I've ever walked out of, and I did that before the next scene could start. I didn't even stop to ask for my money back. I still haven't seen it, and never will.