German Spies (BALZ)

[Brag]

Balz switched his gaze from the barrel of the Luger to the eyes of the Armenian. “One pistol. Is that all? I have faced the knives of eighty one pirates. I have faced the Lee Enfields of three hundred and twenty two Sepoys and one hundred and forty two Ghurkas. I’ve been chargedby seventy two elephants. You need to produce at least sixty one assassins to impress me.”

The Armenian shook his head. “I regret you will die without being impressed.”
“Lugers are not made to kill Germans, they are made to kill Frenchmen and English.” Balz wondered how he would get out of this mess.
“Yes, yes.” Upyursevian said above a whisper. “You, British spy will die and say bye, bye.”
“I’m German,”
“You lie, English dog.”
“Want to hear my Bavarian accent in Italian? Do you speak Japanese?”
“I speak bang bang.”
Balz got inspired. “It’s bad, bad, very bad bad luck to kill a German with a Bavarian accent.”
“Do accents kill? The Armenian looked surprised.
“I have a killer Bavarian accent in English.”
“Don’t you dare speak to me in killer accents.”
Balz removed his tea cozy and fanned himself with it.. Then let’s chat in Serbian.”
With an incredulous expression on his face the Armenian asked, “Do you speak Serbian?”
“When speaking Japanese,” Balz said with aplomb. He only knew one word in Japanese—Sayonara.
“Umm, maybe you are really German. I will introduce you to our resident German spy, Babu al Babu Dutch.”
“A Dutch German?”
“No, a German with a Dutch cover.”
Balz placed his cozy on his head and sat in an arm chair. “I need a cigar so that I can direct my request to you with the proper dignity of a German pirate.”
“We Armenians always have cigars. That will be twenty quid.” Upyursitian left the room. Five minutes later, he returned with another man dressed exactly the same as the Armenian, but was blond and wore a monocle. He didn’t have a parrot on his shoulder. “I am Babu al Babu Dutch. Baba Jimbuna says you’re a suspicious character. Only Englishmen make solo voyages in small boats.” Babu al Babu Dutch switched his monocle from left to right eye.

Balz lit the cigar provided by the Armenian and blew smoke toward the ceiling. “Soon I will have a sturdy ship, I will load it with Arab cutthroats and unleash a nautical crime wave in the Gulf of Arabia and the Persian Gulf.”

Babu al Babu Dutch nodded, lit a cigar and pulled out a Luger. He placed the pistol on the arm of his chair. “That’s very commendable. But you will not commit crimes in this house or I’ll shoot you.”
“Yah, no crimes here, please,” the Armenian added. “You owe me twenty quid.”

“I want a discount,” Balz waved his cigar. “This thing is already half smoked.”
Babu al Babu Dutch turned to Upyursitian, “Give him a two bob discount,” Balz shifted in his seat. “You people talk like Pommies, you are not secretly in his Majesty’s Secret Service?”
“My dear chap,” Upyursitian said in a velvety voice,” what a preposterous and un-English idea.”
“I need shipping information that includes ships involved in shipping.”
“Ah,” Babu al Babu Dutch said, “We specialize in ships involved in shipping and shipping, which involves ships. In the straits of Hormuz you will see lots of ships involved in shipping. But with a baghlah you won’t have success. You must go to Shatt al Arab, where the ships go slowly and can’t maneuver. If the Brits chase you turn left—“
“We sailors turn to port.”
“You will turn to Sheisse if you keep interrupting.”
“Do you want to buy an albatross, cheap?”
“We, Dutchmen, don’t buy albatrosses.”
“I though you were German.”
“Oh, I forgot.”
Balz waved his finger, “You guys act very suspiciously.”
Looking indignant, Upyursitian jumped from his chair. “No more suspicious than labeling your house a hoochie woochie dance studio when there is no hoochie woochie.”
With an accelerated heartbeat, Balz jumped to his feet, also. “It is very hoochie woochie.”
“There is no hoochie woochie.”
“That is what makes it so hoochie woochie.
The Eunuch entered the room. With great dignity, he announced, “Baba Jimbuna and his Desert Constables are raiding the joint.”
‘Oh no!” Exclaimed the Armenian.
Babu al Babu Dutch’s steely gaze settled on Balz. “You’re in real trouble now,” he said with an ironic twist of his mouth.

[Sailor Steve]

But what language are they actually speaking all this time?

[Brag]

Ummmm

In those days, French was the international language.
How's that for wiggling out of an embarrasing situation?

[U-46 Commander]

The Forty Thieves disguised as the Desert Constables........very clever of Baba Jimbuna.

[Jimbuna]

“You will turn to Sheisse if you keep interrupting.”

“Baba Jimbuna and his Desert Constables are raiding the joint.”

[Brag]

More on Babajim coming soon