Jokes about Jewish people

Why is it that Jews like to watch pornos in reverse?
They like the part when the hooker gives the money back.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free.

What is the favourite sport of the Jewish people?
110 meter electrified hurdles.

What is the shortest book in the world?
Jewish sport heroes.

Moses went down from the Mount:
- Jews, I have for you 2 news, good and bad. Where to begin?
- From good.
- We agreed in ten only.
- COOL!!! What is bad?
- Adultery is included.

[Tchocky]

How spontaneous

Huh?

[Happy Times]

I will pay your trip to take your show to Israel, you would get a warm welcome.

[GoldenRivet]

LMAO

[Stealth Hunter]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Moses went down from the Mount:
- Jews, I have for you 2 news, good and bad. Where to begin?
- From good.
- We agreed in ten only.
- COOL!!! What is bad?
- Adultery is included.

[GoldenRivet]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

Why is it that Jews like to watch pornos in reverse?
They like the part when the hooker gives the money back.



How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
5 in the car and 27 in the ashtray.

two of my personal favorites


there are jokes about every ethnicity in the world my friend.


this is just more of your sarcastic and provocative rhetoric

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring

What is the shortest book in the world?
Jewish sport heroes.

Originally Posted by Schroeder

Are there any jokes about Germans, I sure would like to hear some.

Originally Posted by Tchocky

German humour is no laughing matter!

Y'see, I always thought the shortest book in the world was The Complete Compendium Of German Humor.

Hans: I hate that we Germans have no sense of humor.

Fritz: Sure we do! We elected Hitler dictator, didn't we?

Originally Posted by Schroeder

What is heaven?
A place where the Brits are the comedians, the Italians the cooks and Germans the mechanics.

What is hell?
A place where the Brits cook, the Germans are comedians and the Italian do the mechanical stuff.

The way I heard it:

Heaven: The police are all British, the chefs are all Italian, the mechanics are all German, the lovers are all French and everything is run by the Swiss.

Hell: The police are all German, the chefs are all British, the mechanics are all French, the lovers are all Swiss and everything is run by the Italians.


An American pilot is shot down over Germany. He is severely wounded, so they take him to the hospital. A week later they amputate one of his arms. He asks that it be placed in a box and returned to America. The doctors agree.

A week later they amputate his leg, and the same request is made and honored. Another week passes and his other arm goes the same route.

A week after that they take his other leg, but this time when he makes the same request they answer "Nein! Zis ve cannot do!" When he asks why, he is told "Ve sink you are trying to escape!"

[antikristuseke]

An estonian, russian and german are on a plane to throw off something that their country as too much of. The russian goes first and throws off a case ofvodka, the german then throws off a case of beer, the estonian, however, grabs the russian and chucks him off the plane.

[nikimcbee]

Originally Posted by antikristuseke

An estonian, russian and german are on a plane to throw off something that their country as too much of. The russian goes first and throws off a case ofvodka, the german then throws off a case of beer, the estonian, however, grabs the russian and chucks him off the plane.

[nikimcbee]

Finnish drinking game
There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....
Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....


Famous last words of Finnish men
"Naah, we dont need no electrician here."
"We can go to my place - wife's on night shift"
"I love you Kristiina... eh, I mean Hanna..."
"In principal you shouldnt smoke so near the ammunition"
"Lets study the safety instructions later"
"The side effects of lot of alcohol is hugely exaggerated"
"I got some cheap Russian spirits to the wedding punch so the whole family can drink enough"
"Damn life save vest - not bothering to wear them"
"Look! Whats that bear cub doing alone in the forest?"
"Damn quick to drill the ice when it's this thin."

How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough Kosu (vodka) until the room starts spinning.
OR
(based on the fact that 'all' Finns are engineers) None. They fix the old one.


Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant names withheld!)
Shrimp and crap salad for two.
Grilled pork shop.
You can have crap on your pizza.
Tepid chicken salad with bread.
We give you water only when you ask.
Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.
The cock is recommending today's beef.
We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done.
The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.
Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.
Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.
Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.
Try traditional Finnish pee soup.
We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others.
Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.
This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat.
Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes.
Blini served with cream and not real caviar.
Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries.
Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry.
Meat with sweat and sour sauce.
Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream
Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls





You Know You've Been In Finland Too Long, When...
You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.
You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.
Silence is fun.
Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.
You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it's open!"
Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You accept alcohol as food.
You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.
You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed."
When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.
You've become lactose intolerant.
You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.

[Platapus]

What does a WASP wife make for dinner?


Reservations

[Skybird]

Jokes like the 27-Jews-in-the-ashtray, are poor taste, to say the least. But telling them may be telling somehing about the person telling them.

---

This is a Jewish joke, from a book with jokes from Jews about Jews.

A very wealthy Jew who owns much land and several factories, is about to die, and in his last will, he rules in his testament that his three friends, an Englishman, a German, and a Jew, should get equal shares of this property, but they have to fulfill one condition: at the funeral, each of them has to throw one million into his grave, the money to be buried with him.

At the funeral, the German comes and sinks one million in gold coins into the grave.

Next comes the Englishman. He presents a check over one million and lets it fall into the grave.

Last comes the Jew. He picks up the gold coins and the check, and leaves a bond over 3 millions.

[Platapus]

Has anyone else read: Cracking Jokes: Studies of sick humor cycles and stereotypes by Alan Dundes?

It is a sociological study of why these sort of jokes were made. A very interesting read.

The book also has many examples, some of which can't be posted on this forum.