Bad childhood I want to stop thinking about. Any ideas?

[RedMenace]

My parents screamed and fought with each other all the time, my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was very bipolar. They divorced when I was only 9 years old, and after that I became extremely sick and started peeing blood and got diagnosed with renal failure.

I was quite the sickly child. It persisted till I was 16, when I required chemotherapy and months of intense hospitalization. I was only a kid (and then a teen) and I remember being so scared, so confused, so unsure about anything.

Now I'm 19 and I'm much better, even relatively healthy I'd say, I go to college, and I try as hard as I can to be upbeat and sociable and likeable. I've even had girlfriends!

But I've been very sad inside, and I try really hard to keep it in. Thoughts about how I grew up constantly haunt me every day. Thinking about all that time I spent and everything that happened to me in that hospital. I don't tell anyone how insecure and weak I feel, how extremely fearful I am to die young, how worthless and small I feel. I get extremely anxious about the simplest things, even if I don't show it, and I deep down don't believe I'll ever amount to anything. When I talk to people I stare them right in the eye because I'm afraid if I don't they'll realize how weak I actually am.

I have trouble finding employment because I'm not exactly the most confident guy. Even when I do feel confident, I think I come off as crazy more than anything else...

I know its popular to blame your crappy childhood nowadays on your emotional problems, but I only just recently made the connection, and I know my childhood probably damaged me in some ways. I don't want to be haunted anymore by bad memories, or at least I don't want them to get in the way of the rest of my life. What do I do?

[Castout]

Umm you've been suffering a lot and for quite some time from your story.

You need to forgive the people who you resented or still do. You must mean it.[easier said than done I know, I need to forgive some people too. In fact I'm burdened with it first and foremost because God gave me example to follow, secondly because I gave my word in one prayer minister home, that was stupid as it bonded me. What freaked me while doing so the burning candle fire was shifting in and out of space!!! No kidding, it wasn't blowing in and out but shifting in and out of existence/view rapidly and burning up the whole new thick candle in a matter of seconds while the fire shifting in and out of view rapidly in normal size!!!. I wondered if it was God doing it or some other forces. I know the God whom I worship but who knows the God that that prayer minister worships lol, but I have no evidence to the contrary]

I'd say find solace in God. Try praying even if it sounds stupid.

To be truth most people are never that useful. Their usefulness is only as far as filling their own stomach and their family's for their whole lifetime.

No one is really that useful.

I'd also suggest not to try to be something but to be your very self. That is to be a genuine person instead trying to be upbeat or likable.

I sincerely believe everyone is special. That or no one is. . People are so much alike inside. The way we react, feel. We all want the best out of our time here. I think by being genuine and a good person you'll accomplish much more than trying hard to please or be accepted or being selfish and superficial.

[Flaxpants]

Originally Posted by RedMenace

I know its popular to blame your crappy childhood nowadays on your emotional problems, but I only just recently made the connection, and I know my childhood probably damaged me in some ways. I don't want to be haunted anymore by bad memories, or at least I don't want them to get in the way of the rest of my life. What do I do?

Trying to find explanations for your bad feelings and apportioning 'blame' for them is a common human trait- we all do it.

But it gets us nowhere.

All that matters is the 'right now', and from what you say: "Now I'm 19 and I'm much better, even relatively healthy I'd say, I go to college, and I try as hard as I can to be upbeat and sociable and likeable. I've even had girlfriends!", sounds like you're doing ok to me. Forget the past, it really has gone.

No point at all in worrying about the future either. Just gotta get on with it! Party on!

[danasan]

RedMenace,

there is much truth in what Flaxpants said.

The past is finished. All that counts is the here and now and future to work on. Find yourself in real life a friend or partner you can trust on.

Do not let the past and your bad experiences rule your life for another 19 years; not even for another day.

I am pretty sure that you are on a better way right now.

Edit: Come on... You are nineteen, that is when the real fun starts, make it happen!

danasan

[Castout]

Originally Posted by danasan

RedMenace,

there is much truth in what Flaxpants said.

The past is finished. All that counts is the here and now and future to work on. Find yourself in real life a friend or partner you can trust on.

Do not let the past and your bad experiences rule your life for another 19 years; not even for another day.

I am pretty sure that you are on your best way right now.

danasan

People who haven't been in traumatic past life can't understand that the victim carries those traumatic experience into their life.

Be it in emotional, psychological scars or even physical ailments.

A victim needs foreclosure and forgiveness brings that. Provided that he or she has completely been freed from her traumatic experience or conditions.

People are not robots nor they have super strength to deal with their problems without difficulty nor can they just casually cut loose ties with their traumatic past.

often if mishandled their traumatic past would turn them to be the kind of people that they hate unwillingly or they destroy their own life out of their own victimization.

[danasan]

Sorry, I have been through almost the same childhood as he was. With brutality and all. I had never talked about it until I was 31 years old.

And got me some professional help after having a mental breakdown - almost too late.

Maybe I should have mentioned that in my first post.

Edit: Now I am 46 years and much better...

[RedMenace]

Now that I think about it... almost everyone's been through something traumatic, I guess. Everyone's probably a little jilted one way or the other, maybe I should stop thinking about myself so much.

[Castout]

Originally Posted by danasan

Sorry, I have been through almost the same childhood as he was. With brutality and all. I had never talked about it until I was 31 years old.

And got me some professional help after having a mental breakdown - almost too late.

Maybe I should have mentioned that in my first post.

Edit: Now I am 46 years and much better...

That's it. These things are never a small problem. You should know. Trying to ignore it or trying to make it small would only accumulate the problems only to explode in a destructive way later on in life and often when it is too late and after much destruction to self and to other people.

I tend to agree with Hottentot about getting professional help. And I may add to seek spiritual side of you. To find solace in God. The thing is RedMenace should not be too hard on himself. One thing for sure he's on the right track by opening up and trying to get help even by simply starting this thread. That speaks of the hope that he has within him. For that alone it shows he has the awareness and willingness to bring closure. H e wants to move on to better things and has some optimism. If victim can reflect back or talk about their traumatic experience with ease or without distress it is always a sign of healing.

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Castout

People who haven't been in traumatic past life can't understand that the victim carries those traumatic experience into their life.

I'm inclined to agree. And that is why I would suggest professional help. Not in a belittling way, but because they are usually far more qualified to help with matters like these than a group of friendly and well meaning forum writers. And besides, the two methods don't exclude each other.

RedMenace, you say you are going to college. I suppose your college offers some sort of help for students having such problems? At least ours do, I know since I'm a student myself. So if I were in your situation, my first step would be contacting them and seeing where it goes from there.

[Onkel Neal]

Hey buddy, a childhood has a huge impact on you, don't discount it. You have friends here, even though we may disagree or squabble occasionally. Keep increasing your self-awareness, work on your strengths, and stay positive. Force of will counts for a lot, just keep developing that muscle.

Originally Posted by Skybird

The past is no more, and the future is uncertain and still not here. The only thing we have for sure, is this one present moment. Nothing exists outside of it.

The emotional pain you feel is because you stuck to things that are not any longer, and the loss you experienced when your parents disappointed you and let you down. Analysing and endlessly discussing things with your friends or your own inner voice, doe snot make it any better. It just forms these memories a nice and warm nest to settle down in.

However, it is not the things themselves that bother us and make us mourning or fearing them but it is our evaluation, our commenting, our note-giving to which we attach all the time. Like in a reflex, a memory comes up - and immediately an inner dialogue starts to flow down the channels of our inner mind. And the more often this is repeated, the deeper the channel digs its bed into our mind.

Do not try to "manage" your sadness, no human can do that, trying it only delays the healing, may hide it from the surface, but only at the price of it becoming stronger and stronger. One day you'll meet it again unexpectedly but then it easily could have turned into something that overwhelms you.

Instead of doing something, let it go. Just this: let it.

Now, for us modern hyperactive, omnipotent brainmonsters used to manage even the worst of the worst disasters and never show a sign of weakness or pessimism, this is easier said than done. And if we nevertheless let things be, and some time later tell ourselves or our friends we successfully let things go, we nevertheless are still occupied by them plus the illusion of having let them go. Our luggage has grown.

But there is something you can do, and that is to always lead your mind back to the present moment you live in, your breathing, the most imminent and immediate thing you currently do. Neither become angry with yourself nor try to fight against your mind when you realize you have drifted back into past memories again and you feel sad again. Just recall that even the next minute is most uncertain and that your current stroke of breath is the only thing that you really have. Patiently lead your drifting mind back to the present moment. Dont evaluate the inner images of the past. Refuse to comment on them once you became aware you are drifting again. When you realize you drift, gently lead yourself back to the present moment. Do it time and again. You will do it very, very often. After some time, you will have turned it into a habit. That is good. When the habit has become so omnipresent that there are no more interruptions between different times when you practice it, then you are truly free.

Pain like yours cannot be "managed". It cannot be made to turn away. It needs to heal naturally, all by itself, in the time that it takes. It will not take too much or too few time. It will just take that time that it takes, not more and not less. Seen that way, it is perfect, and always right on time. That must be a tough nut for an impatient 19 year old, eh?

The past is no more. The future is not yet to be. All life is within this present single moment. Understanding this is key to everything. In this understanding lies true and unlimited freedom. In the end, everything we believe to experience, is temporal only and cannot last, and if we try to form our felicity by making temporal things everlasting, we necessarily must get disappointed, for they will go sooner or later. This is even true with regard to love, and parents. But we do not suffer because these things are hurting us or are not in order. Things just are the way they are, and we are free to let them go and move on, or to cling to them and allow them to occupy us. In other words: we suffer because we are not in order.

Life often is said to be a voyage. So travel on and leave behind your current stay. Bon voyage!

Yeah, that covers it pretty well.

[CCIP]

Mate, trauma is a tough thing, at any age, but especially from childhood. Don't ignore it and don't keep it to yourself and try to just 'tough it out' - toughing it out works when you just put it aside and temporarily block it out by focusing on the task at hand. But it will always, ALWAYS come back, don't even think it won't. The fact is, even when you've dealt with it and are way better, it's still there - don't get into the mindset that you can erase it, but also don't get into the mindset that it's all there is. It's just another thing in life.

And yeah, it's very hard to appreciate for anyone who's not been through it. And it's not the moments when you're really sad or angry that grind you down in the end - those are actually the moments that can help you get it out. It's the fact that it's there in the back of your mind, ready to set you off, that really gets you.

My biggest piece of advice is a) get help; b) look at your life in terms of the bigger whole - not just that one thing. Relatively recently, I crashed hard on much more recent trauma, and frankly I didn't even realize how bad it was until a couple of years later when I stepped back and was horrified at how much I'd let it dominate my life. The one thing that really helped is several months of counseling, during which a deeper underlying childhood trauma also emerged and helped me understand my current problems much better. But it wasn't like they magically figured out the answer to everything though, nor was there any magic pills or instant realizations involved. What counted was that I got out of the mental block(s) caused by trauma that would send me on a loop and force me to ignore the rest of what my life was really about. And gradually I was able to step back and see the bigger picture - as, as Skybird says, to see and take joy in the present and not past or future.