Exclusive Interview with Kptlt. J.S. Balz

Brag · 01-09-09, 02:55 PM

El Mundo, Madrid
Exclusive Interview with a German U-Boat Commander

Lorient 15 June 1941, by Jaime Arrancibia, exclusive to El Mundo.

EM: What is your name, sir?

JSB: Johan Sebastian Balz.

EM: Were you named after the great composer Johan Sebastian Bach?

JSB: No, he was named after me.

EM: How could that be? He was born many years before you.

JSB: That's easy to explain. In a moment of brilliant enlightment, Bach's parents must have had a flash sight of the future and named their son after a bright star such as myself.

EM: I beg your pardon?

JSB: Would you like me to explain this for you in Spanish? El gran Bach was llamado in my mucho honor because ellos had a flasho of mucho inspiracion como un mucho bright star. El Balz.

EM: (sigh) It is said that you wear a tea cozy when attacking British shipping.

JSB: Want to see me wearing a tea cozy?
(Balz reaches for the briefcase next to him and places several tea cozies on the table).
JSB: How do I look wearing one with bunny ears?

EM. I must say it looks somewhat peculiar.

JSB: I could wear the chicken one and speak French. And here I have a smoking jacket with medals. That way I don't have wear a uniform all the time.

EM: That's ok; the cameraman will take photos of you in uniform.

JSB: I think I look heroic in uniform.

EM: What goes in your mind when you attack a convoy?

JSB: It all depends on the size and composition of the enemy formation also the number and deployment of the escorts must be taken into consideration. When the lead ship is leading the ships that are either in front or behind each other, with one ship in front of the one behind of the ship up front and the ship up front of the one behind, and the one behinf following the one up front one must take position to shoot ahead with the forward tubes and behind with the rear tubes. I only shoot at the ships I aim for. I also make sure that the choir is singing Glory to Balz hoochie-woochie.

EM: Hoochie woochie?

JSB: That identifies the song as having been composed by the great Balz. The choir must twirl counter-clockwise when the hoochie woochie comes.

EM: Why is that?

JSB: We don't want mindless twirling, don't we?

EM: You have a choir?

JSB: want to see it? (Balz turns around and claps his hands. Twenty German sailors march into the room singing,
"Oh when the Balz comes marching in,
oh when the Baaalz comes marching in
It is so hoochie wochie
When the Balz comes marching in.)

EM: Very impressive.

JSB: I agree with you. I am very impressive.

EM: What do you consider the British strongest point?

JSB: Bernard, Bernard, Bernard.

EM. What was your moment of greatest peril?

JSB: That was when we discovered that the farting bananas we had hanging in the galley was really Bernard in disguise.

EM: To what do you attribute your great success?

JSB: My success is successful due to wearing foil-lined tea cozies. This prevents the Englanders from reading my mind. Sometimes I attack in disguise by wearing a bowler hat and carrying a brolly.

EM: Thank you for your time, Herr Kaleun.

JSB: You are welcome. Don't forget to tell your readers that I am the greatest hero of the Kriegsmarine.

Schroeder · 01-09-09, 03:02 PM

:rotfl:

Jimbuna · 01-09-09, 03:36 PM

Quote:

oh when the Baaalz comes marching in

LMAO

Weiss Pinguin · 01-09-09, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brag

JSB: It all depends on the size and composition of the enemy formation also the number and deployment of the escorts must be taken into consideration. When the lead ship is leading the ships that are either in front or behind each other, with one ship in front of the one behind of the ship up front and the ship up front of the one behind, and the one behinf following the one up front one must take position to shoot ahead with the forward tubes and behind with the rear tubes. I only shoot at the ships I aim for. I also make sure that the choir is singing Glory to Balz hoochie-woochie.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brag

JSB: My success is successful due to wearing foil-lined tea cozies. This prevents the Englanders from reading my mind. Sometimes I attack in disguise by wearing a bowler hat and carrying a brolly.

:rotfl: Also loved the choir.

tvale80 · 01-09-09, 06:58 PM

very funny :rotfl:

Brag · 01-09-09, 07:41 PM

Tvale,
Welcome to this nest of ruffians! Thank you for your comment and another welcome to the crazy world of Balz.

HW3 · 01-09-09, 11:14 PM

All hail to Balz, the greatest there ever was, or ever will be.

papa_smurf · 01-10-09, 04:40 AM

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Freiwillige · 01-10-09, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HW3

All hail to Balz, the greatest there ever was, or ever will be.

Fritz Von Titz "Was? Were is his golden Torpedo?"

coronas · 01-10-09, 07:14 AM

At last, Balz spoken in Spanish!
Great interview, Brag!

G.K. · 01-10-09, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brag

JSB: Would you like me to explain this for you in Spanish? El gran Bach was llamado in my mucho honor because ellos had a flasho of mucho inspiracion como un mucho bright star. El Balz.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Red Heat · 01-10-09, 08:38 AM

May be the next interview it will be in...Portugal!

A Very Super Market · 01-10-09, 12:05 PM

Bowler hats are the perfect Englishman disguise! :rotfl:

Weiss Pinguin · 01-10-09, 12:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by A Very Super Market

Bowler hats are the perfect Englishman disguise! :rotfl:

Don't forget the umbrella!

papa_smurf · 01-10-09, 02:13 PM

Quote:

Don't forget the umbrella!

An essential piece of kit. No commander should leave port without one.

01-09-09, 02:55 PM	#1
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Exclusive Interview with Kptlt. J.S. Balz El Mundo, Madrid Exclusive Interview with a German U-Boat Commander Lorient 15 June 1941, by Jaime Arrancibia, exclusive to El Mundo. EM: What is your name, sir? JSB: Johan Sebastian Balz. EM: Were you named after the great composer Johan Sebastian Bach? JSB: No, he was named after me. EM: How could that be? He was born many years before you. JSB: That's easy to explain. In a moment of brilliant enlightment, Bach's parents must have had a flash sight of the future and named their son after a bright star such as myself. EM: I beg your pardon? JSB: Would you like me to explain this for you in Spanish? El gran Bach was llamado in my mucho honor because ellos had a flasho of mucho inspiracion como un mucho bright star. El Balz. EM: (sigh) It is said that you wear a tea cozy when attacking British shipping. JSB: Want to see me wearing a tea cozy? (Balz reaches for the briefcase next to him and places several tea cozies on the table). JSB: How do I look wearing one with bunny ears? EM. I must say it looks somewhat peculiar. JSB: I could wear the chicken one and speak French. And here I have a smoking jacket with medals. That way I don't have wear a uniform all the time. EM: That's ok; the cameraman will take photos of you in uniform. JSB: I think I look heroic in uniform. EM: What goes in your mind when you attack a convoy? JSB: It all depends on the size and composition of the enemy formation also the number and deployment of the escorts must be taken into consideration. When the lead ship is leading the ships that are either in front or behind each other, with one ship in front of the one behind of the ship up front and the ship up front of the one behind, and the one behinf following the one up front one must take position to shoot ahead with the forward tubes and behind with the rear tubes. I only shoot at the ships I aim for. I also make sure that the choir is singing Glory to Balz hoochie-woochie. EM: Hoochie woochie? JSB: That identifies the song as having been composed by the great Balz. The choir must twirl counter-clockwise when the hoochie woochie comes. EM: Why is that? JSB: We don't want mindless twirling, don't we? EM: You have a choir? JSB: want to see it? (Balz turns around and claps his hands. Twenty German sailors march into the room singing, "Oh when the Balz comes marching in, oh when the Baaalz comes marching in It is so hoochie wochie When the Balz comes marching in.) EM: Very impressive. JSB: I agree with you. I am very impressive. EM: What do you consider the British strongest point? JSB: Bernard, Bernard, Bernard. EM. What was your moment of greatest peril? JSB: That was when we discovered that the farting bananas we had hanging in the galley was really Bernard in disguise. EM: To what do you attribute your great success? JSB: My success is successful due to wearing foil-lined tea cozies. This prevents the Englanders from reading my mind. Sometimes I attack in disguise by wearing a bowler hat and carrying a brolly. EM: Thank you for your time, Herr Kaleun. JSB: You are welcome. Don't forget to tell your readers that I am the greatest hero of the Kriegsmarine. __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

01-09-09, 03:02 PM	#2
Schroeder Navy Seal Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Banana Republic of Germany Posts: 6,170 Downloads: 62 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: __________________ Putting Germ back into Germany.

01-09-09, 07:41 PM	#6
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Tvale, Welcome to this nest of ruffians! Thank you for your comment and another welcome to the crazy world of Balz. __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

01-09-09, 11:14 PM	#7
HW3 Navy Seal Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Gresham Oregon Posts: 6,574 Downloads: 458 Uploads: 0	All hail to Balz, the greatest there ever was, or ever will be. __________________ "Some ships are designed to sink...others require our assistance." Nathan Zelk

01-10-09, 04:40 AM	#8
papa_smurf Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: High Peak, Derbyshire Posts: 2,851 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: __________________

01-09-09, 06:58 PM	#5
tvale80 Bilge Rat Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 1 Downloads: 3 Uploads: 0	very funny :rotfl:

01-10-09, 07:14 AM	#10
coronas Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2005 Location: Asturias, España Posts: 1,168 Downloads: 39 Uploads: 0	At last, Balz spoken in Spanish! Great interview, Brag! __________________

01-10-09, 08:38 AM	#12
Red Heat Ace of the Deep Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Portugal Posts: 1,093 Downloads: 267 Uploads: 0	May be the next interview it will be in...Portugal! __________________ "There is three kinds of man: the living, the death, and those who are at Sea." Plato

01-10-09, 12:05 PM	#13
A Very Super Market The Old Man Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Deep in the Wild Canadian suburbs. Posts: 1,468 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Bowler hats are the perfect Englishman disguise! :rotfl: __________________ The entire German garrison of Vanviken, right here in your thread!