Balz Sinks Warships and Discovers a New use for a Tea Cozy

Brag · 06-12-08, 05:28 PM

Lt. Kalb writes:

04 January 1940
Still 500 kilometres short of our patrol area west of the Rockal Bank we sat in the mess. Balz was showing us the tea cozy his mother gave him for Christmas.

"First you brew the tea, then you put the tea cozy over the teapot and that will keep the tea hot. Got it everyone?"

"You put the tea in the cozy and pour it on the pot," Bernard said.
"No, you idiot." Balz removed the tea cozy and began flogging Bernard with it.

I left the mess and went on the bridge a few minutes early for my watch.

A moderate sea was running under a diamond studded sky and U-45 moved easily at a comfortable 8 knots. It is a pleasure to sail under such conditions. I made myself comfortable leaning on the periscope housing.

Something caught my attention. I scanned with my glasses. The faint outline of a bow wave shimmered under the stars.

"Destroyer," I said, "Clear the deck. Periscope depth."
Below, in the galley, Bernard had Balz's white cap and was dipping it in a bowl of coffee.

Balz asked me, "What's going on?"
"Destroyer, maybe two, fifteen degrees off the starboard bow. Three thousand meters max."
"Silent running, up periscope. Bernard, where is my cap?"
Bernard brought Balz's cap half full of coffee.
"You nitwit. I asked for my cap not for coffee." Balz peered into the periscope eye piece. Water dripped on his head. "Verdamnt, this drip will drive me crazy."
Bernard said, "Wear the tea cozy."
"New heading three six zero, speed two knots. Prepare solution, we're attacking. Ready tubes one through four."
Bernard placed the tea cozy on Balz's head.
"Bring the choir in so they can hum while I sink British cruisers. That will be very hoochie woochie."
It took Moenster five minutes to work out the solutions.
"Einz, zwei, hoochie woochie. Feur einz."
Balz flipped the periscope. "Feur, Zwei."
He repeated the operation with tubes 3 and 4.
One torpedo exploded prematurely.
"That's a failed boom-boom," Balz growled.
A minute later we heard a good, healty detonation.
"Good hit on the first cruiser," Balz said.
The second cruiser got hit on the bow. One of the torpedoes missed completely.
"Both will sink shortly," Balz announced. "This is very hoochie-woochie boom-boom. Suitable for a teutonic hero like myself." He twirled away from the periscope, how do you like the Mickey Mouse on my tea cozy?"
The choir hummed Meet me in Balzimore You Hoochie-Woochie.

NealT · 06-13-08, 07:06 AM

Well, time to court martial the Lt.

If he cannot tell the difference between a destroyer and a cruiser...he needs to be shot. Best place to do that would be the Russian Front.

predavolk · 06-13-08, 08:05 AM

I'd use him as ballast. He seems pretty dense!

papa_smurf · 06-13-08, 08:47 AM

And theres me thinkng that Balz coudn't get any worse, he goes pours coffee into a tea cozy!

rifleman13 · 06-13-08, 10:43 PM

I hope this happens to Bernard!:rotfl:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea_cozy

Quote:

According to the comedy quiz show QI, several people have been killed or injured by tea cosies, and there is a one in twenty billion chance of death by a tea cosy.

UnderseaLcpl · 06-14-08, 12:31 AM

OMFG I laughed for 10 minutes at that wiki post!!! > D

Brag · 06-14-08, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NealT

Well, time to court martial the Lt.

If he cannot tell the difference between a destroyer and a cruiser...he needs to be shot. Best place to do that would be the Russian Front.

Actually, this formation was led by a destroyer, which acted lonely and confused once the big ships were gone

Brag · 06-14-08, 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnderseaLcpl

OMFG I laughed for 10 minutes at that wiki post!!! > D

Maybe someone should add Balz to the Wiki post. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

sunvalleyslim · 06-15-08, 11:40 PM

Balz is becoming Mad I tell you......MAD....Bernard is driving his Kapt. absolutely insane.............Stop the Insanity.............Remove one from the Boat, or there will be no survival for the innocent victims aboard Kapt Balz Boat.........Send your petition to BDU....ASAP.......Madness cannot win this war. Unless you ask Adolph..........

rifleman13 · 06-17-08, 03:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunvalleyslim

Balz is becoming Mad I tell you......MAD....Bernard is driving his Kapt. absolutely insane.............Stop the Insanity.............Remove one from the Boat, or there will be no survival for the innocent victims aboard Kapt Balz Boat.........Send your petition to BDU....ASAP.......Madness cannot win this war. Unless you ask Adolph..........

Actually the transfer orders was already sent by BdU, but in a sick twist of fate, an Allied fighter strafed the car of the courier that was carrying the orders.

NO ONE CAN STOP THE MADNESS! NO ONE I SAY!
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Blacklight · 06-17-08, 01:50 PM

I can think of a LOT of uses for a tea cozey !!!
:rotfl:

Every Uboat captain should have one !!!
It's the Hitchhiker's Guid to the Galaxy's towel for Uboaters !

Frank0001 · 06-17-08, 07:54 PM

Hahaha this was fantastic, as always!

What humours me the most is the everlasting clash between the imcompetent Bernard and Balz's greatness, and especially the seriousness of it all!
You've got a great combination there Brag, keep up the good work

06-12-08, 05:28 PM	#1
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Balz Sinks Warships and Discovers a New use for a Tea Cozy Lt. Kalb writes: 04 January 1940 Still 500 kilometres short of our patrol area west of the Rockal Bank we sat in the mess. Balz was showing us the tea cozy his mother gave him for Christmas. "First you brew the tea, then you put the tea cozy over the teapot and that will keep the tea hot. Got it everyone?" "You put the tea in the cozy and pour it on the pot," Bernard said. "No, you idiot." Balz removed the tea cozy and began flogging Bernard with it. I left the mess and went on the bridge a few minutes early for my watch. A moderate sea was running under a diamond studded sky and U-45 moved easily at a comfortable 8 knots. It is a pleasure to sail under such conditions. I made myself comfortable leaning on the periscope housing. Something caught my attention. I scanned with my glasses. The faint outline of a bow wave shimmered under the stars. "Destroyer," I said, "Clear the deck. Periscope depth." Below, in the galley, Bernard had Balz's white cap and was dipping it in a bowl of coffee. Balz asked me, "What's going on?" "Destroyer, maybe two, fifteen degrees off the starboard bow. Three thousand meters max." "Silent running, up periscope. Bernard, where is my cap?" Bernard brought Balz's cap half full of coffee. "You nitwit. I asked for my cap not for coffee." Balz peered into the periscope eye piece. Water dripped on his head. "Verdamnt, this drip will drive me crazy." Bernard said, "Wear the tea cozy." "New heading three six zero, speed two knots. Prepare solution, we're attacking. Ready tubes one through four." Bernard placed the tea cozy on Balz's head. "Bring the choir in so they can hum while I sink British cruisers. That will be very hoochie woochie." It took Moenster five minutes to work out the solutions. "Einz, zwei, hoochie woochie. Feur einz." Balz flipped the periscope. "Feur, Zwei." He repeated the operation with tubes 3 and 4. One torpedo exploded prematurely. "That's a failed boom-boom," Balz growled. A minute later we heard a good, healty detonation. "Good hit on the first cruiser," Balz said. The second cruiser got hit on the bow. One of the torpedoes missed completely. "Both will sink shortly," Balz announced. "This is very hoochie-woochie boom-boom. Suitable for a teutonic hero like myself." He twirled away from the periscope, how do you like the Mickey Mouse on my tea cozy?" The choir hummed Meet me in Balzimore You Hoochie-Woochie. __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

06-13-08, 08:47 AM	#4
papa_smurf Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: High Peak, Derbyshire Posts: 2,851 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	And theres me thinkng that Balz coudn't get any worse, he goes pours coffee into a tea cozy! __________________

06-14-08, 12:31 AM	#6
UnderseaLcpl Silent Hunter Join Date: May 2008 Location: Storming the beaches! Posts: 4,254 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	OMFG I laughed for 10 minutes at that wiki post!!! > D __________________ I stole this sig from Task Force

06-15-08, 11:40 PM	#9
sunvalleyslim Ace of the Deep Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, Ca Posts: 1,142 Downloads: 267 Uploads: 0	Balz is becoming Mad I tell you......MAD....Bernard is driving his Kapt. absolutely insane.............Stop the Insanity.............Remove one from the Boat, or there will be no survival for the innocent victims aboard Kapt Balz Boat.........Send your petition to BDU....ASAP.......Madness cannot win this war. Unless you ask Adolph.......... __________________ Crew member/ decommission member TM2(SS)(SD) 3/68-7/70 DIESEL BOATS FOREVER USS SEGUNDO (SS398)

06-17-08, 01:50 PM	#11
Blacklight Ocean Warrior Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Connecticut Posts: 2,507 Downloads: 145 Uploads: 0	I can think of a LOT of uses for a tea cozey !!! :rotfl: Every Uboat captain should have one !!! It's the Hitchhiker's Guid to the Galaxy's towel for Uboaters ! __________________ Be my friend or be a mushroom cloud. "I am coming at you. You will explode in a couple of minutes !"

06-13-08, 07:06 AM	#2
NealT Ace of the Deep Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: 2 Meters Below Jimbuna Posts: 1,060 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Well, time to court martial the Lt. If he cannot tell the difference between a destroyer and a cruiser...he needs to be shot. Best place to do that would be the Russian Front.

06-13-08, 08:05 AM	#3
predavolk Weps Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 369 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	I'd use him as ballast. He seems pretty dense!

06-17-08, 07:54 PM	#12
Frank0001 Chief Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 317 Downloads: 16 Uploads: 0	Hahaha this was fantastic, as always! What humours me the most is the everlasting clash between the imcompetent Bernard and Balz's greatness, and especially the seriousness of it all! You've got a great combination there Brag, keep up the good work __________________ Snipers of the Seas One eel - one Kill