Tasars... A Word To The Wise

[FIREWALL]

I thought I'd give everyone a mix of advice and a chuckle at my expense.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
Looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across
Was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
The button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
Pushed the button AND p ressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
Prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
Spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
Myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
Right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
Intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
Moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
Of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
Was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
Reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
One hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
Disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
Spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
Reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All
The while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less
Than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
Itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
My best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
Cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one-
Second burst from such a tin y little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
Decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door,
Picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
And over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
Oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
Never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it
Again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
When you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
Dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
Three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
Relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
Sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
Mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right
Thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
Shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

[sonar732]

Too bad we can't read it.

[FIREWALL]

Sorry to all about that. I'm not the greatest at copy/ paste.

If you left click and scroll down it hilites and is easy to read.

Sorry Again.

[August]

Originally Posted by FIREWALL

Sorry to all about that. I'm not the greatest at copy/ paste.

If you left click and scroll down it hilites and is easy to read.

Sorry Again.

Don't apologize that was a great story!

[sonar732]

Originally Posted by FIREWALL

Sorry to all about that. I'm not the greatest at copy/ paste.

If you left click and scroll down it hilites and is easy to read.

Sorry Again.

At your expense? Where did you find this on the web?

[Respenus]

Christ Allmighty! I almost fell of my chair. This is a great find FIREWALL!

[FIREWALL]

My wife did. She said Look now two people that are that STUPID.

She proceeded to tell me " I never cease to amaze her" then she gave me a hug.

She also gave me a somewhat biblical quote "Idle hands are the idiots workshp"

Inside this 57yo man is a little boy.

[JSLTIGER]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I kinda wish he'd done it to the cat...that would have been funny!

[FIREWALL]

My wife has one of those little Mexican dogs.

I thought about it :p For just a second then came to my senses.

That is my wifes baby.

[Dowly]

Sooo... what happens when you buy a gun? Shoot yourself to the leg just to be sure all the things you hear about bullets are true? :rotfl:

[Torvald Von Mansee]

Originally Posted by FIREWALL

My wife has one of those little Mexican dogs.

I thought about it :p For just a second then came to my senses.

That is my wifes baby.

One of those little Mexican dogs is on my lap, right now, snoring away!!!

[silentrunner]

Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[Brag]

Firewall!
That tasser charge inspired you to some great writing. I hope you're no planning to write a novel that way. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


For the rest of you guys:

Kingmaker is getting glowing reviews, order your copy now

[Letum]

Want to paste strangely formatted text into the subsim forums?

First paste it into notepad, then copy it again and paste it in to the forum!

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
Looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across
Was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
The button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
Pushed the button AND p ressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
Prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
Spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
Myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
Right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
Intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
Moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
Of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
Was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
Reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
One hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
Disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
Spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
Reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All
The while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less
Than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
Itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
My best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
Cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one-
Second burst from such a tin y little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
Decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door,
Picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
And over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
Oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
Never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it
Again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
When you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
Dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
Three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
Relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
Sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
Mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right
Thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
Shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

[Blacklight]

You know... if that was me, when I was between the ages of 8-17, I probably would have done the same damn thing with the tazer.

With all the stuped things that I've done as a kid, it's a miracle that I'm still alive today. My wife is VERY amazed that I'm still alive.