Surrounded by Idiots: A Silent Storm AAR

[Hottentot]

NOTE 25/11/12: As with the previous Oblivion AAR, Imgur is bugged and some of the pictures are vanishing from the AAR. Therefore texts and pictures don't always correlate perfectly. This is nothing I can help and a problem that at least last time fixed itself in a short time. Please be patient.

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Well, bloody finally! I've been meaning to do this for ages, and been constantly so swamped with everything that I haven't had time to even play, let alone write about anything. I have started a few attempts, but the only thing I got from those were yet another and another game written on my "use for an AAR" list.

But that's hopefully going to change now! Therefore: welcome back to the Hottentot Channel. It's time to dive behind the curtains of World War 2. Did you ever wonder where the worst morons of each given nations went to do their service? Have you ever thought what would happen if someone mistakenly formed a squad out of them? Do you think it's possible these hapless fools could accidentally save the world, but not without wrecking most of it in process?

Well, wonder no more, for now we are going to explore their exploits! In Silent Storm, the tactical squad game once hailed for its many innovations, the six worst idiots the combined might of different militaries could find, are going to bumble and crash their way through the European countryside, leaving behind lots of work for the reconstruction crews after the war. Squad Hottentot: We Work, So You Could Work!

Special thanks to Dowly who for a while ago suggested this game as AAR material.

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CHAPTER 1: IT WAS CLEAR AND STARRY NIGHT...


Hello everyone. My name is Don Tuna. Stop laughing, it's obviously not my real name! I have to keep it secret because of my job. You know, because I don't want to kill you.

Mind you, it wasn't always like this. You maybe won't believe it, but there was a time when I was just an ordinary guy like you, and not a squad leader of a service so secret that it barely knows it exists itself. There was a time when I wasn't leading a bunch of sorry losers on deadly missions, which in fact weren't that deadly, but were made that way because the said losers were likely the saddest excuses for soldiers ever. My job was mostly to stop them maiming each other or me. Technically I was also in charge of them not maiming themselves, but if they did, I considered it a bonus.

It all started in the early 1940s. You know, those crazy times when that guy with a moustache was competing with the other guy with a moustache of which one managed to get more young men and women needlessly killed in a painful way. Meanwhile there was this guy with a hat waving his fingers at them and stuff. I wasn't so worried about that, to be honest. I managed to avoid the draft and was living a carefree life of a charming bachelor (that's what I told all the ladies, anyway). This story begins from one of those carefree nights that didn't turn out to be such carefree at all.

So there I am, like, happily walking down the street to a costume party my friend is throwing, thinking of all the free booze and the way it tends to loosen the moral principles of the opposite sex. I had decided to wear one of those army surplus officer uniforms you could get cheap back then. We thought it would be hilarious. I put on all sorts of other stuff too to make it even better and learned a great army accent too.

But then I suddenly realize I have almost no money in my wallet. Can you imagine?! Thinking I might need to hand out some bribes to the said opposite sex just in case, I decide to pay a late visit to the bank. It will be just a little delay for me. After all...



The hour is so late that there won't be almost any other customers in there...




Perhaps the aged guard Hans still dutifully standing on his post, but Hans and I are old drinking buddies, you see, so he'd understand. Maybe I'd promise him a bottle or two for his trouble.




He'd open that huge safe for me, if all the clerks were already gone. I had seen it a few times myself. You'd need loads of TNT to blow it up. What could go wrong?




Well, except for a random civilian suddenly running to me and frantically yelling how the bank was getting robbed and they shot poor Hans...




...And then running away, leaving me with a fabulous WTF look on my face. Yeah, I suppose that could go wrong.




I mean, anyone care to tell me what the heck am I supposed to do here? Point my toy gun at them and hope they die from laughter when they see my costume?




Not having a better plan and seeing two armed robbers approaching me, that's exactly what I decide to do. I shout "Bang" too to spook them.




It didn't exactly help. And their guns don't need onomatopoetic sound effects to make a dent, which I quickly find out in a painful way.




Realizing that they are not going to surrender, no matter how heroic pose I take in this dramatic spaghetti Western life or death duel...




I decide to...uh...tactically relocate.

[Hottentot]

Of course! Hans' gun is still there where they shot him! If only I could reach it and avange my good comrade, who incidentally died owing me a beer...





Just a few more steps! How come I always get stuck in ridiculous poses and start getting shot at just
when I'm about to reach my goal?





Uh oh...there's another robber just inside the bank...





But this gun shoots no blanks either...





As I fire a long burst with the gun, it occurs to me that I actually have no idea how to shoot. Fortunately the gun seems to be pretty skilled at it and the overly stereotypical gangster goon falls to the ground.





Just as I'm standing in dramatic posture over my first kill (and trying to remember just how much jailtime do you get for a murder), the ganster boss jumps me, and he sure looks mighty annoyed.





A quick burst proves no good, because apparently range somehow affects on how well you can hit the target. You learn something new every day!





Time for a tactical relocation!





By the sound of it, those gangsters are not as dumb as you might expect. They have figured out that the only place I could hide in is, in fact, the bank, and are now charging through the door.





The bossman comes in first. This time I can't miss, so he bites a bullet. And a second one. And additional eight too? Sheesh, where do they sell hats like that? I want one when I'm going to home to meet the wife!





Fortunately a few more bullets from Hans' loyal gun are enough to take care of the robbers, whose idea of storming a house is coming through the door one at a time.





The bossman is still alive though. I decide to take take him to his car, so that he can drive me to my friend's house. I'm late already!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 2: FIRST BLOOD




Huh? Before I realize it, no cutscene, no nothing, I'm in a secret bunker and this loudspeaker with a horrible German accented English is telling me I'm now a squad leader of some group whose name I can't even pronounce. And what's more, they didn't even let me change my clothes!





Well, at least it knows the famous German politeness. That's something, I guess.





I get a piece of paper with a secret mission. Or maybe it's not secret, but since I can't understand a word of it, it definitely isn't sharing its mysteries with me.





I'm also told that I should hire some help for this and the future secret missions. So I go through the files and pick up this sniper called Klaus, who apparently thinks that having only 50 % field of vision somehow makes him more effective at spotting things...





Then this robe wearing Ahmad with a big gun who can mostly say "me like shoot!" Good enough for me.





Well at least some people seem half reasonable in here. I have always had a thing for nurses. Especially single nurses, who have recently lost their spouses in the Eastern front. So Dani gets hired despite of her stupid name...





And since every good action team needs a red head, this Irish chick called Holly also joins the team. I don't care what she actually can do, as long as she excels at one thing! She gets the job as soon as I confirm her marital status as single. You know, so that I don't have to write one of those awkward letters in case she dies. Duty first, I say!





Finally there is this huge oaf who speaks some incomprehensible gibberish, but fortunately spares me from the most of it and just grunts single words every now and then. His name is Pälli or something. I think he said he's from England. Must be Manchester...





OK, you sorry bunch of retards! Let's go win the war! Or something, I guess...





We first get shipped to Northern England. I take a board shield with me in case any of the locals are going to start swinging claymores at my face.





Our goal is to capture a British commander, residing in a pictoresque little hamlet, which also happens to be a super secret command post. Sheesh, who would have guessed? It's not like we could have ever found this place if we hadn't followed the"keep out!" signs they had posted everywhere along the road. Not after that Elli or whatever his name was ate our map for supper.





I'm no expert of being a British officer, but I suppose the large building with the Union Jack hanging on it would be a good place to start.





Right opposite to it is a little apartment block that might be useful for covering the street if we are forced into a firefight.





Then there is this little pub, tactically completely useless for us, and I wouldn't touch that moose urine the Britons call beer even if forced with a gun.


So I'm coming up with a plan, OK. Holly and Mölli secure our flanks. I want Holly on the left and that Manchester grunt on the right. As far away as possible, please. Dani supports Holly. I support them both. Oh yes, very closely. Klaus and Ahmad will form the backbone of our assault and...





...Aaaand no one is listening to me, are they? Great. Just great.

[Dowly]

Hooray!

[Oberon]

Looking forward to this one!

[Hottentot]

My brave troops have decided to advance in one big bunch along the apartment block's wall. Fortunately they at least are wearing the portable shadows we got issued back in the base. Don't ask me how those work: I just know how to use them in the ladies' dressing room.





The grunt from Manchester goes his own way to the edge of the house. I think he spotted those sheep herding on the other side of the road.





Holly reaches the backdoor first. Well, good thing she has a lockpick. She can pick it open and we can slip in all sneaky like.





Sigh. Or then I suppose she can also blow it to smithereens with dynamite. Yeah, that works too.





Of course big explosions come attached with loud sounds, and even the Brits aren't deaf enough not to investigate them.





Pälli reasons that a problem caused by a sound is solved with another sound. The sound of an exploding grenade.





But obviously his tactical wits didn't manage to answer one vital question: what happens if they aren't all going to die with just one single grenade?





Why, run like a bunny and lead them back to the rest of us of course. How silly of me to even ask.





Ahmad panics and hides in the house.





He is closely followed by Klaus, who discovers a British sniper on the second floor.





Before anyone can say anything, Ahmad screams something about people stomping their floors too loudly and demonstrates how neighbors like that are handled in where he is from.





I admit it was more effective than giving him a polite note and asking him to take his boots off while walking inside. I'll have to try that in my block too...

[Hottentot]

Of course, Ahmad's berserk reaction scared off the real inhabitants of the building. I notice a civilian trying to escape through a window and quickly advice her to get back inside where it's much safer than in a hail of bullets outside.





But I naturally didn't take into account that Mölli was within earshot and completely misunderstood my metaphor.





Well, at least Klaus can get something done. He has taken position on the second floor where the British sniper used to be. Maybe he can be half effective in there.





It would be even better if he could count and realize that sitting glued to an open window while there are multiple guns pointed at you is not healthy.





I'd love to go there and help him, but Dani says she is scared and wants me to hold her with my big, strong, muscular arms. Well, that's what I think she said anyway. It's so hard to say in all this noise.





Manchester grunt manages to kill one of those Tommies he himself lured here.





After which his brain spectacularly runs out of batteries and he reverts to staring the wall.





Since we need a meatshield to take hits for us, I run there and save his sorry hide. Fortunately the enemy is so focused on him that I can approach unnoticed.





The Brits are assaulting the house, but Holly has found a good vantage point and is taking them out with such enthusiasm that it's almost scary. I knew I didn't hire her just for the looks!





Klaus also manages to hit he broadside of the barn every now and then, when the said barn is within 10 meters of him.





The tide seems to be turning in our favor so, being a tactical genius and all, I lead the charge against the British headquarters. It only occurs to me half way that no one is following me.

[Hottentot]

There is still one Brit left, and he has managed to sneak on Klaus' blind side. But he himself is again so focused it makes him just as blind. I just need to get closer...





Just...a little...closer...man, this portable shadow is fantastic!





Take that!





Once the last defender is dead, I gather my brave forces and we form a giant black hole in the middle of the road. It's time to decide how we approach the headquarter building, which surely must be heavily defended with all sorts of traps and crack troops.





Pälli figures the best way is to go to the front door and knock.





Since he asked if anyone is home and someone from the inside answered "no", he decides it's safe to go inside. You do the math...





Fortunately the Brit's hands are shaking due to uncontrollable laughter and he can't aim properly. Mölli, being too dumb to understand what's so fun, is immune to the perils of hilarity.





Since the Brit left a big gun vacant, Pälli calls dips on it and mans it for no apparent reason aside from looking badass.





To make him even remotely useful, I order Ahmad to go there and cover him. And open the curtained window, while he is at it.





Yes, there is a reason for why I told Ahmad to do it instead of doing it myself.

[Hottentot]

Meanwhile me and Dani are approaching a conviniently opened window. I remind her that once this war is over, we are not going to buy curtains like that in our house.





While I'm a little preoccupied with being overwhelmed by the horror the Brits call house decoration, one of them manages to jump me.





But fortunately my masterplan involved Dani covering the other window, so the Brit's joy is short lived.





Someone starts moving on the second floor. Could it be the commander we are looking for?





Ahmad doesn't know either, but he can say for sure that this one was also too loud.





Since the noise won't go away, Ahmad screams and charges to the second floor before I can stop him.





The source of the noise gets eliminated in Ahmad's traditional way. For such a peace loving man he sure likes to solve many problems with a gun.





While looking for further perpetrators, Ahmad spots another soldier, who for some reason thinks we are going to tunnel in through the floor instead of using stairs.





I decide to try Ahmad's tactics just for giggles and hear loud screams. Not really sure if it's the Brit or Ahmad. Either way, really.





It appears I managed to hit the Briton, as Ahmad has already continued his search and found the British commander we were looking for, bravely hiding behind the backs of his troops.





After hearing a loud burst upstairs, it occurs to me that I never briefed my troops about our goal to capture the target alive.





Ahmad takes the carcass and starts hauling it away. I suppose it might still have something useful on it.

[Hottentot]

It's not over yet. It seems the sound of fighting has lured in the British reinforcements from the nearby settlements. And they don't look really amused after seeing their comrades dead on the street.





Dani covers the street surprisingly well with her rifle.





Mölli, on the other hand, shoots blindly with the machinegun and mostly just makes a horrible mess.





Holly prepares a little surprise for the Britons...





And by the sound of it, they didn't see anything suspicious in a loudly ticking door handle.





While Holly takes care of anyone who wasn't maimed by the trap...





...Pälli continues his holy war against the British brick wall.





All in all, it seems we got them all and got what we were looking for. Not bad for the first mission, I guess. I never knew I was this excellent field commander.





It's time to drag the commander back to the camp and see if we can figure out anything from the material we found from here.





Well, we found some piece of paper which didn't make much sense, but it looked important enough, so we kept it.





The commander was also wasn't quite as dead as we expected and gave us a piece of intelligence.





All of this leads us to the next target: a small English town where we hopefully manage to reveal more clues on this mystery.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 3: THE MISSING LINK





OK, me and my jolly band of imbeciles finally arrive. Time for a cool group photo before everything inevitably goes wrong.





If I got it right, there is supposed to be a friendly agent hidden somewhere in this district and we are to find him. I need to improvise a little, since Ahmad had to take a dump along the way and he thought we didn't need that super secret document anymore.





Finding the agent is not that urgent, however. Far more urgent is the question of an angry British officer whose attention our walking circus has just attracted.





Ahmad reacts first and fires a long burst with his new light machinegun he found from the local hamburger shop's kid meal surprise.





Not only he doesn't manage to hit anything, but now every Brit within ten miles knows we are here. What part of secret service do these dolts not understand?





Holly and Mölli panic. They jump over the nearest wall and disappear screaming frantically something about better part of valor.





Meanwhile the still at least semi-competent people in this squad have taken great position in the middle of an open road. Straight out of the soldier's coloring book, I'm sure.





As the only one with any tactical sense here, I put on my portable shadow and start flanking the enemy. With any luck, my undertalented underlings at least can bite a few bullets for me.





They manage to even kill one of the Brits. Not that it stops two more of them from showing up.





Pälli, in his rare moment of clarity, has meanwhile recovered his courage and decides to blindly throw a grenade towards the sound of the gunfire.





I can't believe I'm saying this, but it worked. He bagged most of them with just one boom, and the only one left scarpers.





Or so he thinks.





OK, that's all of them. I gather my squad and instruct them to follow. Well, the ones that are left anyway. I wonder what the Manchester grunt and Holly have been doing for these whole two minutes I left them alone?





Mass murdered bunch of helpless old men, apparently.





Ahmad goes berserk again, kicking and screaming why they didn't leave him any. I found out from very close distance that his new gun also has quite a kick.





Having ran out of bullets, Ahmad whips out a huge kebab knife and charges after the first civilian he can see.





Having turned the poor hapless fellow into traditional imported fast food, he quickly starts looking for more. It turns out to be a mistake.





After saving him and subsequently beating him back to his senses, we gather up again and prepare to find the agent.

[Hottentot]

Hmm, a window conveniently left open. Me and the bumbling and grumbling black hole on my heels decide to investigate.





OK, careful now. I think I heard something...





Oh, it's just a civilian. OK, all clear on the first floor. Time to move upstairs.





Funny, I could swear I heard someone scream...





But I'm sure I heard some noises from behind this door. I leave most of my squad to cover my back and go in to investigate.





Aha! The missing agent!





And apparently a cheap plot device as well...





Note to self: I need to have a stern talk with those retards about "covering your leader's back."





You know, after I again singlehandedly take care of everything and save the day.





Done. Now let's see what have we here...





I came all this way to learn about retards hitting a disk on ice with oversized sticks?!





After making my dissatisfaction clear with the kind help of Pälli and Ahmad, I find the agent is very co-operative and directs us to his secret stash, which is supposed to have some really important and again very secret stuff.





It's located in a dark forest in the middle of nowhere. This should be easy...

[Cybermat47]

What is this awesome game and how do I get it?

[Hottentot]

Link.

Since you are new, be aware: my AARs do not give a realistic picture of any of the games they portray. I take lots of artistic liberties, pretty much as many as the game gives me, in the name of the story and (questionable) humor. So read a few reviews or watch let's plays or something first.

And tone down the font, please.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 4: A ROMANTIC MOONLIGHT STROLL



Seeing that it's a simple fetch and leave mission, I just put my portable shadow on and cross the road. Hey, you know that joke? What did the chicken say when it crossed the...





What the?! My portable shadow switched off?! Quick! The manual! It means that...





...Someone has spotted me!





Okay, okay, no panic. It's just one Brit, right. We'll ambush him once he comes close enough. Let's jump from the shadows and slit his throat all quiet like. Are you ready, Pälli?





For the record, moron, yelling "Affirmative!" from the top of your lungs is not the ideal way of staying undetected!





Why can't we all just get along?





What was supposed to be an easy fetch and leave mission turns out to be a close quarter fire fight with a whole squad of armed young British men. What they were all doing in this remote forest in the middle of nowhere all at the same time is anyone's guess...





Elli tries to correct his mistake the only way he knows: blowing something up.





Next time I just need to tell him that we are at war with the Brits, not the bush dwelling weasels.





However, while he doesn't know it, he can be remotely useful in another way too.





That is, drawing fire while the red headed killing machine is sneaking up on them.





Meanwhile I ambush another few of them. Not only do I manage to look totally cool in my combat pose, but I can even hit something from these short distances every now and then.





Ahmad, Pälli and Holly stage an assault on their own and take the fight to the Brits' side. I don't want to rain on their parade by letting them know by how much they are outnumbered.





Still, the close quarter fight works for once in our advantage. Holly manages to turn a huge bunch of Brits into tree fertilizer with one single grenade. That's the spirit, lass!





After she pretty much single handedly finishes the few that are still stupid enough to make any noises, the battle seems to be over. Time to hope we didn't blow up the agent's cache too.





Nope, this seems to be intact. It points us to Russia of all places. Pälli gets very excited for some reason, but I decide it's too cold in Russia in this time of the year.





Instead we are going to warm and pleasant South Britain.





The intelligence reports there is a laboratory in here we might want to take a look at. As long as it doesn't involve any mad scientists, this should be profitable. Maybe we can find a few guns that are even half way effective too and don't take 100 bullets in the face to kill someone.