The Point of War (BALZ)

[Brag]

From Lt. Schmenk's diary.

We were on our forth night at sea, a hundred miles ESE off Fair Isle. I just got off the eight to twelve watch and was eating soup. From bridge, Bernard yelled, "There is a ship in the water."

I shook the captain awake and ran topside. "Where is the ship," I asked.
"In the water," Bernard answered.
One of the lookouts said, "Zero six five off the starboard bow."
Through my Zeiss glasses, I picked up the large ship, an ore carrier."Captain on deck," I yelled down the hatch.
"First officer, report to the commander immediately," came the reply.
Reluctantly, I went below. "Reporting as ordered." I saluted Balz who was putting on a burgundy smoking jacket with all his bazaar-bought medals.
Balz nodded. "What´s out there?"
"An ore carrier, doing four or five knots, Herr Kaleun."
"Hmmm, an ore carrier. I don´t think I should wear a tie for that. What do you think, perhaps a cravat. A bow tie is certainly not on."
Impatient and against my own common sense, I said, "Maybe you should wear a can of sardines on a chain."
"That's a wonderful idea," Balz smiled and patted me on the shoulder. "Before we dive I shall use you as a plug for the deck gun barrel. " He rummaged in a drawer and found a piggy tea cozy. Do I look appropriately dressed for this event?"
"Yes, Herr Kaleun."
"Very well. All engines stop, gun crew on deck."

It took 41 rounds before the ore carrier's crew took to the life boats. Balz conned the U-boat close to the survivors. "Good morning, you destitute Englanders. I apologize for putting so many holes on your ship. The gunners will be severely punished for not sinking you with six rounds."
"Frog off, you Kraut, Nazi bastard," someone yelled from a boat.
Balz ignored the insult and lit a cigar. "Kindly toss your wallets on the deck of my boat before I convert your fragile craft into debris. You may keep your watches."
Wallets started plopping on deck.
"Gun crew, remove the money but return the wallets."
Five minutes later, Balz finished counting the money. "Thank you, chaps," he yelled at the Englanders, "Back in base we shall throw a party and drink to your very good health." He then turned to me. "There is no point in war without profit."