Shopping For a Boat (BALZ)

[Brag]

Flensburg, 18 May 1939


The secretary entered the office, “Hett Capitan, someone called Hitler is on the phone.”
“What?” Doenitz jumped from his chair. “Someone?” Don’t you know who Hitler is?”
“He’s the guy on the phone.”
“I know he is on the phone!”
“Herr, Kapitan, then why do you ask me who he is?”
“I didn’t ask you who he is. I asked you if you knew who he was.”
The secretary rested her fists on her hips. “ I didn’t know who he was because he is. He is on the phone.”
“Never mind.” Doenitz stood at attention and picked up the phone. “Gutten Morgen, mein Fuhrer.”
The gruff voice at the other end of the line said, “Doenitz, where is Balz?”
“Who is Balz?”
“You don’t know who Balz is?”
“Nein, mein Fuhrer.”
“You must know who your submarine commanders are.”
“I know all my commanders. There is no Balz.”
“Ja, there is a Balz. Johan Sebastian Balz.”
“Ach, ja. We have a Johan Sebastian Balz. He is in command of the base sweepers.”
“That is not good,” the Fuhrer said.
“He does a good job, mein Fuhrer.”
“I’ve said it’s not good.”
“Jawhol, mein Fuhrer. I’ll have him arrested, found guilty and shot within 48 hours.”
“You blue suited nitwit!” Hitler shouted. “Balz needs a heroic job.”
“Mein Fuhrer. Keeping the base clean is as heroic as it gets.”
“I want you to be ready for war, we need war heroes in a war!”
“I have plenty of hero material among my commanders. I need more submarines.”
“You need Balz.”
“What makes Balz so unique?”
“Ha, glad you asked. He though the postcards I painted in Munich were great,” Hitler said in a warm tone.
“I see, an art lover.” Doenitz could not retain a chuckle. “I will incorporate an art appreciation course in our U-boat command curriculum.”
“You will find Balz and give him a submarine to command.”

***

“A guy called Johan Sebastian Balz is on the phone,” announced the secretary. He says a guy named Hitler told him to call.”
“You don’t know who Hitler is?”
“Hitler is not on the line, Johan Sebastian Balz is on the line because Hitler told him to call.”
Doenitz picked up the phone. “What do you want?”
“I want to be a highly admired hero and command a battleship.”
“Soreee,” Doenitz laughed. “I only have U-boats. You should go and bother Admiral Raeder.”
“He only has used battleships, I want a brand new boat fresh out of the yard,”
Doenitz shifted his weight to one foot as he thought. “Go to Bremen, to the SH3 Shiffbau AG yard and inspect Kriegsmarine Order 385-VII.



Balz left his Mercedes cabriolet parked on the street and went into the yard. Herr Botzbau, project engineer greeted Balz.
“This way please.” He led the way to one of three U-Boats under construction.
“Smallest Battleship I have ever seen,” Balz said.
“It will sink a battleship. In skilled hands it will sink several.”
"Will I look good and heroic standing on the bridge?"
"Oh yes. Extremely heroic."
“Ummm,” Balz said, impressed by the statement. “Let’s proceed with the inspection.”

The inspection over, Balz wrote a list of deficiencies of the U-boat:

Wine cellar missing. Install wine racks in battery compartment.
Install recorder with sound mixer in radio room.
Zentralle too small for dancing.
Insulate engine room bulkhead to improve sound of hoochie-woochie recordings while underway.
Build tea cozy locker under commander’s bunk.
Install mirrors in Zentralle so that commander can admire himself during attacks.
Galley inadequate for gourmet cooking.
Need espresso machine.
Need to add ten meter module for belly dancers’ compartment. Suggest the modified design be called VII BD.

Kriegsmarine historians say Doenitz was upset when he read Balz’s report.