Bonus Balz and the Pirates (Balz)

[Brag]

Das Gold


Lt. Fritz Gwitz writes:

In the last chapter of my exciting biography of the most exciting hero of the seas, we left Balz on the deck of the Mariana, Sandokan’s flagship. Balz faced a mob of pirates waving their weapons and advancing toward him.

“Twirl,” Balz bellowed in his heroic and commanding voice. He raised his arms above his head and like a great orchestra director twirled his cigar. The pirates understood what was required of them and twirled.

After an hour of hoochie-woochie dancing and twirling six times, Balz stopped the pirates. “There, that was six revolutions per hour.”

Sandokan frowned, “That’s not exactly what I had in mind. But, for the time being I will spare your life. We have received news on the wireless. There is a shipment of gold leaving Batavia. You hear me, gold, Mucho gold as they say in Spanish. You, Herr Balz, the great navigator, will calculate the exact spot where we will intercept this gold. And you will take us to das gold, as they say in German.”

Calculating where to ambush the Dutchman was easy enough. Balz marked the spot on the chart and said. This is “das spot, as we say in French when speaking German.”

Sandokan scratched his turban as turbans need scratching at least once a day.
“How do we know we are in das Spot when we get there?”

The gold will be in das spot, when we arrive in das spot with das Gold because if das spot without das Gold is not das Spot with das Gold. We cannot be in two das spots with das Gold when there is only one das spot with das Gold.”

To avoid repeat scratching of the turban, Sandokan scratched his beard. “This sounds to me like spotty navigation. Da Silva used a sextant.”
“Did he have a Nautical Almanac and sight reduction tables?”
“Of course he did, From Aries to Zubenelgenubi, he had all the stars. A virtual library in his cabin.”
“Then I can use the sextant and calculate our exact position by LOPs using the sun, moon, stars and planets.”

Three days later, The Mariana, a long and narrow pirahu that without much wind could outrun many a steamer, was in position to intercept the Dutch gold shipment.

The following day, at sunrise, a lookout announced, “Flying Dutchman in sight.”

Balz ran out of Da Silva’s cabin, which was now his own since Da Silva was hung. Balz looked through Da Silva’s binoculars since Da Silva could no longer use them after being hung. “That Dutchman isn’t flying.”

“It’s the name of the ship,” Sandokan said. “Are you sure we are in das Spot?”

We’re on the perpendicular course to the course of the vessel which is also on a perpendicular course to our perpendicular course. Das Spot is at the point of intersection of our perpendicularities.” Balz answered, while studying the Dutch steamer draw closer.

Prepare grappling hooks,” Sandokan ordered.
The pirates chorused, “Aaaaarrrggghhhh.”
The steamer give three blasts of its siren.
The pirates chorused, “Aaaaarrrggghhh.”
“Twirl grappling hooks,” Balz ordered.
Aaaarrrggghhh” The pirates chorused.

Just before crashing into The Flying Dutchman, the Mariana turned and sailed parallel to the steamer with the gold.

“Hey Dutchman,” Balz shouted. “Do we look ferocious?”
“Ja, you look very ferocious.”
“Then give us your money.”
“We don’t give money to beggars of the sea,” answered a voice from the bridge.

Balz, looking cool, lit a cigar formerly owned by the phlegmatic Portuguese who no longer smoked.

The pirates tossed their grappling hooks and climbed aboard the steamer. Balz climbed, too. It was good to feel the vibrations of machinery under his feet. It didn’t feel so good to have his way up the superstructure barred by a barrier of steel bars topped by concertina wire.

“Hey, open the door,” Balz shouted.

“Only authorized personnel permitted,” the voice from the bridge shouted back.
“I will teach you the seven truths of hoochie-woochie.”
“Take your hoochie and woochie it up your exhaust pipe.”
Balz ignored the grave insult and said to the pirates, “Go to the forecastle and bring a steel cable”
“Aaarrggghhh,” the pirates answered.
In a few minutes, Balz had secured the steel cable around the barred door and the other end to the port anchor chain. “Let go of the anchor,” He ordered.
The pirates yelled, “Aaaarrrgghhh,”
“Only authorized personnel are allowed to operate machinery,” The voice from the bridge yelled.
Yelling, “Aaaarrrggghhh,” a couple of pirates released the anchor brake. The anchor went down, steel door popped and flew behind the anchor.
The pirates chorused, Aaaarrrgghh and stormed up to the bridge.
Balz pulled on the cigar, which its former owner no longer smoked and went up to the bridge. That’s where the action is, he thought knowing that he was real hero material.

Balz entered the wheel house and observed the terrified watch crew and the ship’s captain cower in a corner of the wheel house.

“Goot iffninckz,” Balz said. Even though it was morning, he thought an evening greeting was more appropriate for a pirate about to grab lots of gold.

“You don’t even know the time of day and expect me to hand you the gold?” the Dutch captain said.
“I am a ferocious pirate. See my teeth?”
The Dutch captain waved a key. “This is the key to the strong box with the gold.” He gave out a manic laugh and tossed the key outside, over the rail into the sea. “Now, go get it, you pirate scum.”
“Ha,” Balz exclaimed, “I don’t need your stinking key. Bring that steel cable.”
“Aaarrggh, the pirates chorused. In less than ten minutes, the astute Balz had the steel cable attached to the brass handle of the safe in the chart room, right behind the bridge. “Tie the other end to the starboard anchor,”
he ordered.
The pirates answered, “Aaarrgghh,” and did as instructed.
“Voila,” Balz said to the Dutch captain. “You can now observe how my brilliant inventiveness works.”
He then walked out of the wheelhouse onto the starboard wing. “Let go of the starboard anchor,” he shouted.
Aaarrgghh, answered the pirates and released the brake.
The anchor chain rattled, then stopped. The cable sang under the strain. A crackling noise came from the chart house. A loud crash was followed by the rumble of chain. Balz ducked as the bulkhead diving bridge from chart room gave.

Like in a tornado debris erupted as the front of the wheelhouse gave. The safe came flying out and demolished the wing rail.
It flew through the air. There was a loud crack as the safe crashed at the bottom.

Balz peered over what was left of the wing rail.
Sandokan stood on the stern of the Mariana watching the hole on his main deck.

The anchor chain of the Dutchman kept going down.
“Aaaarrrgghh, the pirates left on board the Mariana yelled as the Mariana’s stern pulled by the cable began lifting its stern.

“We are not taking any deck cargo,” The Dutch captain yelled.

The Mariana was now at a nearly forty-five degree angle and its stern level with the Flying Dutchman’s foredeck. Water poured out of the hole the safe made on the bottom of the pirahu.

Sandokan stepped on board the freighter. His murderous eyes settled on the bridge and Balz. The Tiger of Malaysia unholstered a huge revolver. “Someone will pay with blood,” he bellowed.


Stand by for the next exciting chapter of the heroic Balz a true Teutonic hero.

[Pisces]

Originally Posted by Balz

We’re on the perpendicular course to the course of the vessel which is also on a perpendicular course to our perpendicular course. Das Spot is at the point of intersection of our perpendicularities.” Balz answered, while studying the Dutch steamer draw closer.

I love the way he talks like that.

He could just as wel have said good evening, ... or morning in his own language though. Not even the timezone would have made a difference.

[Rhodes]

Das fantastic! Arrrghhhhhhhhh!

[sunvalleyslim]

"AAAARRRGGGHHH"...........

[bookworm_020]

Originally Posted by sunvalleyslim

"AAAARRRGGGHHH"...........

[papa_smurf]

“Take your hoochie and woochie it up your exhaust pipe.”

Thats some insult.........

[Brag]

Originally Posted by papa_smurf

Thats some insult.........

Yeah, hoochie yer woochie ( save it for when the real fight starts)

[U-46 Commander]

Another great one Brag!! With the great and heroic Balz as the greatest safe cracker also!!!:rotfl: Am eagerly awaiting the next edition!!

[Jimbuna]

"AAAARRRGGGHHH"...........

[coronas]

Mucho gold!
..and AAAARGGGGGHHHHHHHH!