Balz Meets Hitler (1923)

[Brag]

Lieutenant Fritz Gwitz writes:

As you remember from earlier episodes, we have been studying the early life of Germany’s most outstanding hero. Kapitanleutnant Johan Sebastian Balz.

Already in 1919 he proved to be a remarkable cadet who instigated the scuttling of the German high seas fleet in Scapa Flow.

Munich 1924

After returning to Germany, amazing and outstanding Cadet Balz was released from the Navy. Since he had served on the battle cruiser Bayern, he thought it was logical for him to go to Munich where there was nothing for him to do.

His mother knitted tea cozies and Balz sold them on the street.

He stood on the street and watched a man paint postcards.

Curious, Balz approached the man and asked.“Why do you paint postcards when you can buy ready-printed ones just down the street?”
The painter caughed and cleared his throat. “So that you will buy one today and tomorrow the whole lot.. This is mein camp, my field of work. What do you do?”

“I was going to be a naval hero. Now, we don’t have any ships to be heroic on.”
“I have never seen a ship, that’s why I paint houses.”
“Are you a house painter?”
“No, I paint houses—like this one here. See, it has windows and doors, it’s yellow, it also has a roof.”
“If you’re not a house painter how come you paint houses?”
‘
“Because house painters paint houses. Artists like me don’t paint houses, they paint houses. Is that clear?”
“Is that because you paint doors and windows and roofs on the houses?’
“Yes, yes.”
“And the house painters don’t paint windows.”
“The paint doors and windows and roofs, too.” The painter added, “I am Adolf Hitler, a painter.”
“I am Johan Sebastian Balz, I’m not a painter.” Balz assumed a heroic pose. “I am a future hero,”
Hitler turned his head and looked down the street. “Speaking of heroes, here comes Fatty Goering.”
A skinny man approached them. “Hi Hitler, Goering said.
“Hi?” Hitler asked.
“Ja, hi. It’s an American expression. Very democratic. I’ve got a gig for you tonight.”
“Gig?” Hitler asked.
“Ja, at a beer hall.”
“I don’t drink.”
“I got you a speaking gig. No drinking involved. You can rouse the rabble.”
“What will I speak about?”
“You can speak about house painters,” Balz suggested.. “Like the difference between house painters and house painters.”
Goering asked Balz, “What is that you are selling?”
“Tea cozies, want to try one on?”
“I didn’t bring a teapot.”
“You can try one on your head, it gives you a warm and cozy feeling like if your brain was full of tea.”
“Umm,” Goering said, “I’d like to try that in the privacy of my home. Can I have it in a plain wrapper?”


Note:
Kingmaker by Brag was voted #8 best thriller of 2008 by the Preditors & Editors website annual survey.