Balz, Hero of the BDU

Brag · 01-16-09, 02:57 PM

It was a drizzly morning in Lorient. Admiral Doenitz stood by the window and stared at the sentry box at the gate of the little Chateau des Sardines. Once his heartbeat came back to normal, he returned to his desk and re-read the message.

From BDU

To all U-Boats at sea and not previously sunk or destroyed Those boats that have been sunk don't need to reply. To make sure everyone understands those of you who have been killed in action or kaboomed while silently lurking will not be required to report their final incident.

Those of you who up to now have not been killed will report their position daily unless ypu get killed before reporting.

Doenitz took a deep breath and bellowed, "Baaaalz!"
Balz, the acting operations officer, entered the room, clicked his heels and stood at attention. "Jawhol, Herr Admiral."

"What sort of rubbish is this?" Doenitz waved the message. "Why can't you write just: All U-Boats will report their position daily?"

"Because it depends when they receive and send their messages. If they receive this message before reporting to the great hoochie-woochie in the sky--"
"The who?"
"chie--woochie," Herr, Admiral."
"And what's that on your head?"
"A tea cozy, Herr Admiral."
"It looks like a chicken about to lay an egg on your head."
"It's lined with foil inside. It keeps me from hearing voices."
Doenitz shifted in his chair, "You hear voices?"
"Only when I don't wear a tea cozy. Sometimes I hear Churchill's speeches in French. He has a terrible accent."
"Does Churchill give speeches in French?"
"No, Herr Admiral, he speaks to the House of Commons in English, they haven't learned German yet."
Doenitz shook his head. "Now, let's see . . ."Why was it I called you?"
"To wave a message at me? Or maybe to congratulate me on my splendid work?"
" Ah yes," Doenitz frowned. "It was your verbosity. Watching that chicken on your head is distracting me."
"It's a tea cozy, her Admiral. It also catches and detects enemy secret communications, like Churchill's speeches in French."
"You told me he didn't speak French."
"No, I said the British Parliament didn't speak French."
"Now, what does the British Parliament have to do with anything we're discussing today?"
"Last I heard they are our enemies, though I would prefer to vote Labour in the next elections."
"You vote in England?"
"I sometimes wear a bowler hat."
Doenitz lit a cigar. "Balz, go to the harbor and check out progress on your boat. Take your time. Don't hurry back."

PhantomLord · 01-16-09, 03:30 PM

That´s hair-raising! :rotfl:Some more of this and i can here the voices in my head too...

Jimbuna · 01-16-09, 03:32 PM

"Only when I don't wear a tea cozy. Sometimes I hear Churchill's speeches in French. He has a terrible accent."

Task Force · 01-16-09, 03:38 PM

:rotfl:good job brag. Always nice to see a new balz story.

Weiss Pinguin · 01-16-09, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

"Only when I don't wear a tea cozy. Sometimes I hear Churchill's speeches in French. He has a terrible accent."

:rotfl: Classic Balz!

A Very Super Market · 01-16-09, 05:10 PM

I think that message fried my Radioman's brain.

....

Rhodes · 01-16-09, 05:39 PM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Balz does it again

Sailor Steve · 01-16-09, 07:07 PM

bookworm_020 · 01-16-09, 08:03 PM

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Gave me my laugh for the day!

Laufen zum Ziel · 01-16-09, 10:25 PM

Well done as always.

Spike88 · 01-17-09, 01:05 AM

Bravo chap. That was a good laugh. :rotfl:

Phantom II · 01-17-09, 04:57 AM

Balz = Bernard?

Schroeder · 01-17-09, 06:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phantom II

Balz = Bernard?

Was somehow thinking the same.:hmm:

coronas · 01-17-09, 06:57 AM

Great hero Balz!

papa_smurf · 01-17-09, 07:00 AM

Another excellent story from Balz

01-16-09, 02:57 PM	#1
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Balz, Hero of the BDU It was a drizzly morning in Lorient. Admiral Doenitz stood by the window and stared at the sentry box at the gate of the little Chateau des Sardines. Once his heartbeat came back to normal, he returned to his desk and re-read the message. *From BDU* To all U-Boats at sea and not previously sunk or destroyed Those boats that have been sunk don't need to reply. To make sure everyone understands those of you who have been killed in action or kaboomed while silently lurking will not be required to report their final incident. Those of you who up to now have not been killed will report their position daily unless ypu get killed before reporting. Doenitz took a deep breath and bellowed, "Baaaalz!" Balz, the acting operations officer, entered the room, clicked his heels and stood at attention. "Jawhol, Herr Admiral." "What sort of rubbish is this?" Doenitz waved the message. "Why can't you write just: All U-Boats will report their position daily?" "Because it depends when they receive and send their messages. If they receive this message before reporting to the great hoochie-woochie in the sky--" "The who?" "chie--woochie," Herr, Admiral." "And what's that on your head?" "A tea cozy, Herr Admiral." "It looks like a chicken about to lay an egg on your head." "It's lined with foil inside. It keeps me from hearing voices." Doenitz shifted in his chair, "You hear voices?" "Only when I don't wear a tea cozy. Sometimes I hear Churchill's speeches in French. He has a terrible accent." "Does Churchill give speeches in French?" "No, Herr Admiral, he speaks to the House of Commons in English, they haven't learned German yet." Doenitz shook his head. "Now, let's see . . ."Why was it I called you?" "To wave a message at me? Or maybe to congratulate me on my splendid work?" " Ah yes," Doenitz frowned. "It was your verbosity. Watching that chicken on your head is distracting me." "It's a tea cozy, her Admiral. It also catches and detects enemy secret communications, like Churchill's speeches in French." "You told me he didn't speak French." "No, I said the British Parliament didn't speak French." "Now, what does the British Parliament have to do with anything we're discussing today?" "Last I heard they are our enemies, though I would prefer to vote Labour in the next elections." "You vote in England?" "I sometimes wear a bowler hat." Doenitz lit a cigar. "Balz, go to the harbor and check out progress on your boat. Take your time. Don't hurry back." __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

01-16-09, 03:30 PM	#2
PhantomLord XO Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Berlin, Germany Posts: 408 Downloads: 124 Uploads: 0	That´s hair-raising! :rotfl:Some more of this and i can here the voices in my head too... __________________ ~^~ War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~^~

01-16-09, 03:32 PM	#3
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,500 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"Only when I don't wear a tea cozy. Sometimes I hear Churchill's speeches in French. He has a terrible accent." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

01-16-09, 03:38 PM	#4
Task Force Rear Admiral Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: SPACE!!!! Posts: 10,142 Downloads: 85 Uploads: 0	:rotfl:good job brag. Always nice to see a new balz story. __________________ Task Force industries "Taking control of the world, one mind at a time"

01-16-09, 05:10 PM	#6
A Very Super Market The Old Man Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Deep in the Wild Canadian suburbs. Posts: 1,468 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	I think that message fried my Radioman's brain. .... __________________ The entire German garrison of Vanviken, right here in your thread!

01-16-09, 05:39 PM	#7
Rhodes Silent Hunter Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Figueira da Foz, Portugal Posts: 4,515 Downloads: 110 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: Balz does it again __________________ http://www.flickr.com/photos/16416646@N05/

01-16-09, 07:07 PM	#8
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	__________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

01-16-09, 08:03 PM	#9
bookworm_020 Navy Seal Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Sinking ships off the Australian coast Posts: 5,966 Downloads: 1 Uploads: 0	:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Gave me my laugh for the day! __________________ "There is always one person in any organization who knows whats going on, That person must be fired"

01-16-09, 10:25 PM	#10
Laufen zum Ziel Eternal Patrol Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Hiding on the bottom Posts: 1,783 Downloads: 853 Uploads: 457	Well done as always. __________________ RIP Laufen zum Ziel

01-17-09, 01:05 AM	#11
Spike88 Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Miami, FL Posts: 3,052 Downloads: 36 Uploads: 0	Bravo chap. That was a good laugh. :rotfl:

01-17-09, 04:57 AM	#12
Phantom II Electrician's Mate Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 139 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	Balz = Bernard? __________________

01-17-09, 06:57 AM	#14
coronas Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2005 Location: Asturias, España Posts: 1,168 Downloads: 39 Uploads: 0	Great hero Balz! __________________

01-17-09, 07:00 AM	#15
papa_smurf Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: High Peak, Derbyshire Posts: 2,851 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	Another excellent story from Balz __________________