Bernard at the helm!

msalama · 02-16-08, 02:34 AM

So here's what happened:

We're docked at Kiel starting our 2nd patrol, and I'm in the command room plotting our course. I draw a couple of waypoints to get us going down the channel, and the guys then promptly steer the boat out at 10kts. Just as I'm contemplating the mission ahead with deeply burrowed brows - you know, thinking about the dangers and inconveniences waiting for us on the high seas - I hear a godawful crash and some loud bangs, and a deckhand yelling "Sir! The boat is taking damage!"

Well, turns out that our beloved helmsman Bernard had driven the boat into a dock wall at flank speed. The man is cleaning toilets from now on, I'm telling ya!

But what a perfect slapstick event still: I'm down there sombrely thinking of our second dangerous voyage to final destinations yet unknown... and the moment is interrupted by my crew ramming the boat into a dock wall. Oh the drama indeed... and the band, needless to say, just kept on playing of course :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Any chance for a trade, fellow Kaleuns? You get Bernard and I get... well anyone you can spare actually

Kptlt. Siegmann · 02-16-08, 04:25 AM

I'll take Bernard and you can have my captured Swordfish pilot

I just want to enjoy stuffing Bernard into the #1 tube and feeding him to the fish:rotfl:

Graf Paper · 02-16-08, 05:40 AM

Before he must have been transferred to your boat, msalama, Bernard was at the helm of my own beloved u-boat.

It was several patrols back, I had just plotted our departure from Kiel and ordered the crew to cast off as I remained with the navigator to plan out the remainder of our course and search pattern for the assigned patrol grid.

No sooner did I have the nav draw in the last way point I heard an awful, screeching crash as my u-boat lurched and heeled over to starboard. I rushed to the bridge and, with astonished eyes, discovered we had somehow run alongside our minesweeper escort and banged into his starboard amidships with the port side of our bow!

I told Bernard to go stick his finger in the flak gun barrel to keep the seawater from getting into it.

I don't recall if I ever relieved him from that duty when we dived. :hmm:

papa_smurf · 02-16-08, 07:06 AM

After numerous incidents invloving Bernard on several of my careers, he's now banned from stepping aboard my U-boat, let alone in charge of a vital position aboard.
So far this policy is working, as on my 1st partol of my latest career i've sunk 10,500 tons so far, and am entering "tanker alley".

Now where did Dinsdale get to...............:hmm:

NealT · 02-16-08, 07:45 AM

Bernard: Imaginary creature made up by egocentric Silent Hunt 3 submarine simulation players to account for their own inadequacies, failings and stupid mistakes. Often used as a scapegoat when things go awry. n.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Brag · 02-16-08, 10:26 AM

Without Bernard I would have to shoot myself

onelifecrisis · 02-16-08, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NealT

Bernard: Imaginary creature made up by egocentric Silent Hunt 3 submarine simulation players to account for their own inadequacies, failings and stupid mistakes. Often used as a scapegoat when things go awry. n.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

No! BERNARD IS REAL I TELL YOU!!!

02-16-08, 10:29 AM

With the amount of times Bernard has been from boat to boat you'd figure all these transfers he puts in would piss off his detailers...

hammer-princess · 02-16-08, 11:59 AM

Completely agree, -SWCowboy. It's only a matter of time before Bernard *ehem* joins meh crew.

Sailor Steve · 02-16-08, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by papa_smurf

After numerous incidents invloving Bernard on several of my careers, he's now banned from stepping aboard my U-boat, let alone in charge of a vital position aboard.

Congratulations on solving all your problems. Now I'd like you to meet your replacement crew member. Kaleun Smurf, this is Bernard...

Blacklight · 02-16-08, 12:56 PM

I once sunk a ship east of Scapa Flow. I got the "She's Going Down" message from my sonar man so I told Navigator Bernard to return to our previous course. A moment later, I hear this crash and we begin to lose depth fast. It turned out that Bernard had driven the Uboat directly underneath the ship and it sank on top of us pushing us to the sea floor.
Now.. we were able to pull the sub out by going full reverse, then forward, then reverse over and over again to wiggle out (Taking damage all the while).
I gave Bernard a stern talking to and he swore this would never happen again.
The very next ship we sunk north of Scapa Flow, the Uboat went under the sinking ship, the ship landed on top of it and pushed it to the bottom again.

So after I was able to get the Uboat out from under the wreck, I took Bernard off the Navigator station and put him in charge of the hydrophone.

Later that mission, we were being persued by a Black Swan. We were down deep and using the hydrophone to listen for the ship. After a while, Bernard announced the ship was "Long Range" and then "No sound contact sir".

I crept up to periscope depth and raised the periscope. It got about halfway up when I heard "CLUNK" !
I angled the periscope upward and saw the underside of the destroyer. It was just sitting right on top of us facing the same direction we were facing and going the exact same speed we were going. Suddenly, the thing speeds up and I see all these cans dropping through the water. One hit the periscope lens, bounced off, and exploded.

The British Officers were nice enough to deliver me and Bernard back to Germany after that incident.

They pointed and laughed a lot.

CapZap1970 · 02-16-08, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by msalama

So here's what happened:

We're docked at Kiel starting our 2nd patrol, and I'm in the command room plotting our course. I draw a couple of waypoints to get us going down the channel, and the guys then promptly steer the boat out at 10kts. Just as I'm contemplating the mission ahead with deeply burrowed brows - you know, thinking about the dangers and inconveniences waiting for us on the high seas - I hear a godawful crash and some loud bangs, and a deckhand yelling "Sir! The boat is taking damage!"

Well, turns out that our beloved helmsman Bernard had driven the boat into a dock wall at flank speed. The man is cleaning toilets from now on, I'm telling ya!

But what a perfect slapstick event still: I'm down there sombrely thinking of our second dangerous voyage to final destinations yet unknown... and the moment is interrupted by my crew ramming the boat into a dock wall. Oh the drama indeed... and the band, needless to say, just kept on playing of course :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Any chance for a trade, fellow Kaleuns? You get Bernard and I get... well anyone you can spare actually

:rotfl: :rotfl:
Well, I would gladly trade you, but i have him making some dissasters aboard my u-boat too, so, we are even!!! :rotfl:
just a couple of night ago, we were beeing depthcharged (it was hell under water, I tell ya) and i ordered for silent running ("Z") key, but by mistake Bernard started the surface maneouver ("S") key... so we got killed in 10 seconds :rotfl:
CapZap

Faamecanic · 02-16-08, 01:41 PM

I have my own Bernard story....

Using GWX 2.0 here....its 1940 so the DD and DEs are getting better at fininding me as I approach convoys.

I get a fix on a convoy...approach decks awash with choppy seas, 7 m/s winds, med visability, and best of all night has fallen. After sneaking behind the Starbord flanking DE I submerge a mere 1000m from my largest and farthest target. Im only going to get to loose all my 4 fwd fish and my 2 aft fish, then have to run for it as there are 4 escorts.

I line up 2 large frieghters (8,000+ tons each), set Magnetic pistols, set to run 10.1 M deep. FIRE Tubes 1-2.... FIRE Tubes 3-4..... HARD ABOUT!!! I yell....

Just as I line up a third Large Frieghter ...BERNARD says..."HEY LOOK... a juicy AMMO ship... I bet that Tommy ship will go up like a fireball with only two torps"

I push Bernard away look in my attack scope....target is 2,500m away and I cant see the flag. But he is running dark...must be enemy. "Bernard...are you SURE he is a Tommy ammo ship??"? "Yes Herr Kaluen...100%"

Great.... I yell "Set Aft tubes for 11m running depth, FIRE Tubes 5 and 6... CRASH DIVE..BERNARD GET US DOWN FAST" as the DE and DDs are already converging on me as I have struck and sunk my first two targets.

As we descend to the depths and I start my evasive manuvers I hear two torpedo hits anda series of explosions, followed by the sound of superstructure failing and twisting as the ammo ship sinks.

"YAAA my crew yells....." almost 10,000 tons!! Only to find out BERNARD was WRONG... the ammo ship was AMERICAN...A NEUTRAL.... DAMN BERNARD, somone get him a new eyeglass perscription PLEASE!!

papa_smurf · 02-16-08, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Congratulations on solving all your problems. Now I'd like you to meet your replacement crew member. Kaleun Smurf, this is Bernard...

Nooooooo!!!!!!!!..........................

02-16-08, 05:40 AM	#3
Graf Paper Ace of the Deep Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Pacific Northwest United States Posts: 1,146 Downloads: 41 Uploads: 2	Before he must have been transferred to your boat, msalama, Bernard was at the helm of my own beloved u-boat. It was several patrols back, I had just plotted our departure from Kiel and ordered the crew to cast off as I remained with the navigator to plan out the remainder of our course and search pattern for the assigned patrol grid. No sooner did I have the nav draw in the last way point I heard an awful, screeching crash as my u-boat lurched and heeled over to starboard. I rushed to the bridge and, with astonished eyes, discovered we had somehow run alongside our minesweeper escort and banged into his starboard amidships with the port side of our bow! I told Bernard to go stick his finger in the flak gun barrel to keep the seawater from getting into it. I don't recall if I ever relieved him from that duty when we dived. :hmm: __________________ Still sailing the high seas, hunting convoys with those who join me.

02-16-08, 07:06 AM	#4
papa_smurf Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: High Peak, Derbyshire Posts: 2,851 Downloads: 33 Uploads: 0	After numerous incidents invloving Bernard on several of my careers, he's now banned from stepping aboard my U-boat, let alone in charge of a vital position aboard. So far this policy is working, as on my 1st partol of my latest career i've sunk 10,500 tons so far, and am entering "tanker alley". Now where did Dinsdale get to...............:hmm: __________________

02-16-08, 07:45 AM	#5
NealT Ace of the Deep Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: 2 Meters Below Jimbuna Posts: 1,060 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Bernard: def. Bernard: Imaginary creature made up by egocentric Silent Hunt 3 submarine simulation players to account for their own inadequacies, failings and stupid mistakes. Often used as a scapegoat when things go awry. n. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

02-16-08, 10:26 AM	#6
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	Without Bernard I would have to shoot myself __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

02-16-08, 11:59 AM	#9
hammer-princess Watch Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: In a rusty old sub Posts: 28 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Completely agree, -SWCowboy. It's only a matter of time before Bernard ehem joins meh crew. __________________ And so the torpedo went 'tick-tock-BOOM!' The captain asked one of the crew: "Why is there a hole in OUR sub?!" To which the crewman replied "I put the torpedo in the wrong way round!" BTW, if anyone's interested in meh fanfic 'Paper Mario - What REALLY Happened', look up 'Paper Mario Story' on http://thebunnyhunter.deviantart.com

02-16-08, 02:34 AM	#1
msalama Samurai Navy Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: In an octopus's garden Posts: 565 Downloads: 99 Uploads: 0	Bernard at the helm! So here's what happened: We're docked at Kiel starting our 2nd patrol, and I'm in the command room plotting our course. I draw a couple of waypoints to get us going down the channel, and the guys then promptly steer the boat out at 10kts. Just as I'm contemplating the mission ahead with deeply burrowed brows - you know, thinking about the dangers and inconveniences waiting for us on the high seas - I hear a godawful crash and some loud bangs, and a deckhand yelling "Sir! The boat is taking damage!" Well, turns out that our beloved helmsman Bernard had driven the boat into a dock wall at flank speed. The man is cleaning toilets from now on, I'm telling ya! But what a perfect slapstick event still: I'm down there sombrely thinking of our second dangerous voyage to final destinations yet unknown... and the moment is interrupted by my crew ramming the boat into a dock wall. Oh the drama indeed... and the band, needless to say, just kept on playing of course :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Any chance for a trade, fellow Kaleuns? You get Bernard and I get... well anyone you can spare actually

02-16-08, 04:25 AM	#2
Kptlt. Siegmann Machinist's Mate Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Docked at Kiel Posts: 128 Downloads: 23 Uploads: 0	I'll take Bernard and you can have my captured Swordfish pilot I just want to enjoy stuffing Bernard into the #1 tube and feeding him to the fish:rotfl:

02-16-08, 10:29 AM	#8
-SWCowboy. Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	With the amount of times Bernard has been from boat to boat you'd figure all these transfers he puts in would piss off his detailers...

02-16-08, 12:56 PM	#11
Blacklight Ocean Warrior Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Connecticut Posts: 2,507 Downloads: 145 Uploads: 0	I once sunk a ship east of Scapa Flow. I got the "She's Going Down" message from my sonar man so I told Navigator Bernard to return to our previous course. A moment later, I hear this crash and we begin to lose depth fast. It turned out that Bernard had driven the Uboat directly underneath the ship and it sank on top of us pushing us to the sea floor. Now.. we were able to pull the sub out by going full reverse, then forward, then reverse over and over again to wiggle out (Taking damage all the while). I gave Bernard a stern talking to and he swore this would never happen again. The very next ship we sunk north of Scapa Flow, the Uboat went under the sinking ship, the ship landed on top of it and pushed it to the bottom again. So after I was able to get the Uboat out from under the wreck, I took Bernard off the Navigator station and put him in charge of the hydrophone. Later that mission, we were being persued by a Black Swan. We were down deep and using the hydrophone to listen for the ship. After a while, Bernard announced the ship was "Long Range" and then "No sound contact sir". I crept up to periscope depth and raised the periscope. It got about halfway up when I heard "CLUNK" ! I angled the periscope upward and saw the underside of the destroyer. It was just sitting right on top of us facing the same direction we were facing and going the exact same speed we were going. Suddenly, the thing speeds up and I see all these cans dropping through the water. One hit the periscope lens, bounced off, and exploded. The British Officers were nice enough to deliver me and Bernard back to Germany after that incident. They pointed and laughed a lot. __________________ Be my friend or be a mushroom cloud. "I am coming at you. You will explode in a couple of minutes !"

02-16-08, 01:41 PM	#13
Faamecanic Ace of the Deep Join Date: May 2005 Location: Off your Stb side with good solution Posts: 1,065 Downloads: 44 Uploads: 0	I have my own Bernard story.... Using GWX 2.0 here....its 1940 so the DD and DEs are getting better at fininding me as I approach convoys. I get a fix on a convoy...approach decks awash with choppy seas, 7 m/s winds, med visability, and best of all night has fallen. After sneaking behind the Starbord flanking DE I submerge a mere 1000m from my largest and farthest target. Im only going to get to loose all my 4 fwd fish and my 2 aft fish, then have to run for it as there are 4 escorts. I line up 2 large frieghters (8,000+ tons each), set Magnetic pistols, set to run 10.1 M deep. FIRE Tubes 1-2.... FIRE Tubes 3-4..... HARD ABOUT!!! I yell.... Just as I line up a third Large Frieghter ...BERNARD says..."HEY LOOK... a juicy AMMO ship... I bet that Tommy ship will go up like a fireball with only two torps" I push Bernard away look in my attack scope....target is 2,500m away and I cant see the flag. But he is running dark...must be enemy. "Bernard...are you SURE he is a Tommy ammo ship??"? "Yes Herr Kaluen...100%" Great.... I yell "Set Aft tubes for 11m running depth, FIRE Tubes 5 and 6... CRASH DIVE..BERNARD GET US DOWN FAST" as the DE and DDs are already converging on me as I have struck and sunk my first two targets. As we descend to the depths and I start my evasive manuvers I hear two torpedo hits anda series of explosions, followed by the sound of superstructure failing and twisting as the ammo ship sinks. "YAAA my crew yells....." almost 10,000 tons!! Only to find out BERNARD was WRONG... the ammo ship was AMERICAN...A NEUTRAL.... DAMN BERNARD, somone get him a new eyeglass perscription PLEASE!!