Mental Hospital Phone Menu

SUBMAN1 · 11-23-07, 10:06 PM

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

"Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital."

Please select from the following options menu:
--If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
--If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
--If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
--If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
--If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
--If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
--If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press,nothing will make you happy anyway.
--If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
--If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
--If you have low self f-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too
busy to talk with you.
--If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
--If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

CB.. · 11-24-07, 01:31 PM

needs another option tho lol

--if you believe yourself to be sane, and or have dialed an incorrect number.. please press 7...leave a message...and we'll get back to you..

SUBMAN1 · 11-24-07, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CB..

needs another option tho lol

--if you believe yourself to be sane, and or have dialed an incorrect number.. please press 7...leave a message...and we'll get back to you..

:rotfl:I agree!

The WosMan · 11-24-07, 04:39 PM

I always thought that the suicide hotline should play Van Halen's "Jump" as the on-hold music.

Jimbuna · 11-24-07, 06:18 PM

CLASSIC!!

Skybird · 11-24-07, 06:26 PM

A stranger at the gate of a mental asylum:

"Excuse me, am i right here?"

The ward:

"When you are right, then you are not right here, but when you are not right, then you are right here."

(Hope that joke works in English as well as it does in German).

Jimbuna · 11-25-07, 06:51 AM

We have a saying here in the UK when something goes wrong in an amusing way because of the actions of an individual or even a group of people......"and the lunatics took over the asylum"

Janus · 11-25-07, 08:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skybird

A stranger at the gate of a mental asylum:

"Excuse me, am i right here?"

The ward:

"When you are right, then you are not right here, but when you are not right, then you are right here."

(Hope that joke works in English as well as it does in German).

Can you please tell it again in german. I think I did not get it in English :hmm:

JSLTIGER · 11-25-07, 09:03 AM

That used to be my voicemail intro. I had the text-to-speech engine MS Mike voice read it while I held my phone up to the speaker. No one would leave me messages though because it took too long to get through...

kiwi_2005 · 11-25-07, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JSLTIGER

That used to be my voicemail intro.

There was a voice one of this on youtube, still funny just reading it.

11-23-07, 10:06 PM	#1
SUBMAN1 Rear Admiral Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 11,866 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Mental Hospital Phone Menu MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU "Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital." Please select from the following options menu: --If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. --If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. --If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. --If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. --If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. --If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. --If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,nothing will make you happy anyway. --If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. --If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. --If you have low self f-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too busy to talk with you. --If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. --If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. __________________

11-24-07, 01:31 PM	#2
CB.. Ace of the Deep Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: UK Posts: 1,278 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	needs another option tho lol --if you believe yourself to be sane, and or have dialed an incorrect number.. please press 7...leave a message...and we'll get back to you.. __________________ the world's tinyiest sh3 supermod- and other SH3/SH2 stuff http://www.ebort2.co.uk/ The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. W.B.Yeats

11-24-07, 06:18 PM	#5
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,473 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	CLASSIC!! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-24-07, 06:26 PM	#6
Skybird Soaring Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: the mental asylum named Germany Posts: 42,604 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	A stranger at the gate of a mental asylum: "Excuse me, am i right here?" The ward: "When you are right, then you are not right here, but when you are not right, then you are right here." (Hope that joke works in English as well as it does in German). __________________ If you feel nuts, consult an expert.

11-25-07, 06:51 AM	#7
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 190,473 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	We have a saying here in the UK when something goes wrong in an amusing way because of the actions of an individual or even a group of people......"and the lunatics took over the asylum" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!!

11-24-07, 04:39 PM	#4
The WosMan Watch Officer Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: OH Posts: 332 Downloads: 88 Uploads: 0	I always thought that the suicide hotline should play Van Halen's "Jump" as the on-hold music.

11-25-07, 09:03 AM	#9
JSLTIGER The Old Man Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Parkland, FL, USA Posts: 1,437 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	That used to be my voicemail intro. I had the text-to-speech engine MS Mike voice read it while I held my phone up to the speaker. No one would leave me messages though because it took too long to get through... __________________ Thor: Intel Core i7 4770K\|ASUS Z87Pro\|32GB DDR3 RAM\|11GB EVGA GeForce RTX 2080Ti Black\|256GB Crucial M4 SSD+2TB WD HDD\|4X LG BD-RE\|32" Acer Predator Z321QU 165Hz G-Sync (2540x1440)\|Logitech Z-323 2.1 Sound\|Win 10 Pro Explorer (MSI GL63 8RE-629 Laptop): Intel Core i7 8750H\|16GB DDR4 RAM\|6GB GeForce GTX 1060\|128GB SSD+1TB HDD\|15.6" Widescreen (1920x1080)\|Logitech R-20 2.1 Sound\|Win 10 Home