"Death of An Idiot" - A Play In Three Acts

Rykaird · 03-03-07, 03:45 PM

January, 1941

Act I

In my cabin aboard U-123, my beautiful IXB, I open my sealed orders and find my mission is to destroy the HRN Averof, which Intelligence has said will be docked in Port Said. (My last attempt at the Averof ended in near disaster, so I guess HQ has decided to let me have another go as a “reward”.) This means I need to sail through the Straits of Gibraltar.

I load up on fuel from the milch cow Thalia in Cadiz. Rather than head southwest to the nearest deep water and then begin the traverse of Gibraltar, I decide to save a little time and take a shortcut due south across the shallows on the surface. Hey, it’s dark out – what could possibly happen?

What could happen is that I could spot a destroyer just about the same time he spots me, that’s what. I dive, but he’s on me, and calls up four of his closest friends. The five of them have me pinned in 40m of water and 18km from the deeps. I get blown to pieces.

Lesson 1: “Shortcut” is a Native American word that roughly translates to “The Road of Death.”

Lesson 2: I will never cross shallow water on the surface, even at night, in enemy territory.

Act II

So another Kaleun, with a name oddly similar to that of the corpse from Act I, makes the attempt. This time, the wiser, though still stupid, Kaleun makes the run through the Straits at 205 meters and 2 knots with silent running. I almost run out of oxygen after nearly two days submerged, but I make it without incident, despite my hydrophone telling me I am completely surrounded by enemy warships.

I consult my handy map, which tells me that in 1941 the aircraft patrols do not extend to the coasts of Algier. So I surface the boat. It’s a beautiful late afternoon, sunny and calm. I get out a deck chair, a fishing pole, a cigar, and a trashy romance novel, and enjoy the Mediterranean sunshine while heading east towards Tunis.

Unfortunately, some idiot in British HQ failed to inform the Anson pilots that they can’t fly in this zone. They come out of the sun, my boat lined up perfectly. I can’t even get the decks awash by the time they’ve dropped their bombs. Another Kaleun reduced to fish food.

Lesson 3: I will never believe again in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or the notion of an “aircraft-free” zone.

Lesson 4: I will always run submerged during the day unless the weather is so bad it will ground aircraft.

Act III

So now another Kaleun, again oddly with a name only slightly changed from the dumb ass corpses of Acts I and II, passes through Gibraltar. Armed with the knowledge of the doom of his predecessors, he’s very careful. Dumb as a brick, but careful.

Hydrophone picks up a merchant steaming along near Tunis. Since it’s night out and calm seas, I decide to take him on the surface with the deck gun. Rather than do a normal overhaul, I just get on a parallel course to him about 1000m to his starboard, and flog along at flank till I’m directly across from him. Oh, he’s a fat one – a nice, large cargo ship. What do I care if he sees me and starts to zig? I’m going to blow him out of the water!

Just as I’m ordering my men to man the deck gun, my Watch Officer calls out what sounds like “Schiff Ge-zeet-zen”, meaning he’s spotted another vessel. My greedy heart wonders “Is it another fat merchant? Oh, goody, Christmas has come early!” Three seconds later I hear the whistle of a shell coming my way. It’s a destroyer, leading the cargo ship, and I’m right on top of him. The good news is that the first shell kills my worthless watch crew. The bad news is that I’m rapidly blown to chunks.

Lesson 5: I will always personally perform hydrophone and periscope checks before surfacing, and visual checks before engaging.

Lesson 6: I will always perform my overhaul out of visual range.

You’ll notice that in every case it was my own laziness or carelessness that got me croaked. I still have never reached Port Said to even attempt the Averof. And I’m still in 1941.

It’s going to be a long, long war . . .

Torplexed · 03-03-07, 03:51 PM

:rotfl:Very witty and well-written. We've all been there. However, you should probably edit it to a darker text. The only way I could read it was by highlighting it.

Mush Martin · 03-03-07, 04:09 PM

Aaaahhh! The learning Curve She's Steep with this one.

Perhaps youd do better at checkers or parcheesey

put down the nice torpedo and step slowly backwards away from it.

It may be wise to move to a state that doesnt border the Ocean.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

(This wasnt meant to be poor no offence Kaluen)

kiwi_2005 · 03-03-07, 04:17 PM

nicely put and some good tips

Mush Martin · 03-03-07, 04:21 PM

A tip for each act:rotfl:..............(um ya)

MM

stabiz · 03-03-07, 04:56 PM

Nice read, Kaleun!

sunvalleyslim · 03-03-07, 05:13 PM

great story Ry, is there a IV act?

Brag · 03-03-07, 07:56 PM

A great read.
Looking forward to more!!!

You should enter the UBI writing contest.

JScones · 03-03-07, 08:04 PM

:rotfl:

I usually don't read the "diary/story" posts, but this one was very witty and entertaining!

leeclose · 03-03-07, 08:05 PM

A good read while im sneaking away from 3 dd's trying to nail me but have no clue where i am man is 2 knots slow or what suppose i better get a terry pratchett novel out to read.....

Syxx_Killer · 03-03-07, 08:51 PM

ROFLMAO!!! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Very well written! Maybe someday you will be able to make it to Port Said and rack up a little tonnage.

Rykaird · 03-03-07, 08:56 PM

OK, I've reached Port Said, but I can't find the Averof! It's Jan 21, 1941. I have GWX 1.02 and SH3. Anyone know whereabouts she might be?

It's kind of unfriendly in here. Doing the tourist thing is entertaining....

Mush Martin · 03-03-07, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rykaird

OK, I've reached Port Said, but I can't find the Averof! It's Jan 21, 1941. I have GWX 1.02 and SH3. Anyone know whereabouts she might be?

It's kind of unfriendly in here. Doing the tourist thing is entertaining....

Umm take the lens cap off.:rotfl:

ReallyDedPoet · 03-03-07, 09:04 PM

Well done Rykaird

Mush Martin · 03-03-07, 09:05 PM

Dude Im sorry Congratulations on getting through it is an achievment
and Hecklers probably dont help

If it does help I got mashed a few times going through the straights
myself.

MM

03-03-07, 03:45 PM	#1
Rykaird Weps Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 356 Downloads: 36 Uploads: 0	"Death of An Idiot" - A Play In Three Acts January, 1941 Act I In my cabin aboard U-123, my beautiful IXB, I open my sealed orders and find my mission is to destroy the HRN Averof, which Intelligence has said will be docked in Port Said. (My last attempt at the Averof ended in near disaster, so I guess HQ has decided to let me have another go as a “reward”.) This means I need to sail through the Straits of Gibraltar. I load up on fuel from the milch cow Thalia in Cadiz. Rather than head southwest to the nearest deep water and then begin the traverse of Gibraltar, I decide to save a little time and take a shortcut due south across the shallows on the surface. Hey, it’s dark out – what could possibly happen? What could happen is that I could spot a destroyer just about the same time he spots me, that’s what. I dive, but he’s on me, and calls up four of his closest friends. The five of them have me pinned in 40m of water and 18km from the deeps. I get blown to pieces. Lesson 1: “Shortcut” is a Native American word that roughly translates to “The Road of Death.” Lesson 2: I will never cross shallow water on the surface, even at night, in enemy territory. Act II So another Kaleun, with a name oddly similar to that of the corpse from Act I, makes the attempt. This time, the wiser, though still stupid, Kaleun makes the run through the Straits at 205 meters and 2 knots with silent running. I almost run out of oxygen after nearly two days submerged, but I make it without incident, despite my hydrophone telling me I am completely surrounded by enemy warships. I consult my handy map, which tells me that in 1941 the aircraft patrols do not extend to the coasts of Algier. So I surface the boat. It’s a beautiful late afternoon, sunny and calm. I get out a deck chair, a fishing pole, a cigar, and a trashy romance novel, and enjoy the Mediterranean sunshine while heading east towards Tunis. Unfortunately, some idiot in British HQ failed to inform the Anson pilots that they can’t fly in this zone. They come out of the sun, my boat lined up perfectly. I can’t even get the decks awash by the time they’ve dropped their bombs. Another Kaleun reduced to fish food. Lesson 3: I will never believe again in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or the notion of an “aircraft-free” zone. Lesson 4: I will always run submerged during the day unless the weather is so bad it will ground aircraft. Act III So now another Kaleun, again oddly with a name only slightly changed from the dumb ass corpses of Acts I and II, passes through Gibraltar. Armed with the knowledge of the doom of his predecessors, he’s very careful. Dumb as a brick, but careful. Hydrophone picks up a merchant steaming along near Tunis. Since it’s night out and calm seas, I decide to take him on the surface with the deck gun. Rather than do a normal overhaul, I just get on a parallel course to him about 1000m to his starboard, and flog along at flank till I’m directly across from him. Oh, he’s a fat one – a nice, large cargo ship. What do I care if he sees me and starts to zig? I’m going to blow him out of the water! Just as I’m ordering my men to man the deck gun, my Watch Officer calls out what sounds like “Schiff Ge-zeet-zen”, meaning he’s spotted another vessel. My greedy heart wonders “Is it another fat merchant? Oh, goody, Christmas has come early!” Three seconds later I hear the whistle of a shell coming my way. It’s a destroyer, leading the cargo ship, and I’m right on top of him. The good news is that the first shell kills my worthless watch crew. The bad news is that I’m rapidly blown to chunks. Lesson 5: I will always personally perform hydrophone and periscope checks before surfacing, and visual checks before engaging. Lesson 6: I will always perform my overhaul out of visual range. You’ll notice that in every case it was my own laziness or carelessness that got me croaked. I still have never reached Port Said to even attempt the Averof. And I’m still in 1941. It’s going to be a long, long war . . .

03-03-07, 03:51 PM	#2
Torplexed Let's Sink Sumptin' ! Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 5,823 Downloads: 43 Uploads: 0	:rotfl:Very witty and well-written. We've all been there. However, you should probably edit it to a darker text. The only way I could read it was by highlighting it. __________________ --Mobilis in Mobili--

03-03-07, 04:09 PM	#3
Mush Martin Eternal Patrol Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,398 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Aaaahhh! The learning Curve She's Steep with this one. Perhaps youd do better at checkers or parcheesey put down the nice torpedo and step slowly backwards away from it. It may be wise to move to a state that doesnt border the Ocean. :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: (This wasnt meant to be poor no offence Kaluen) __________________ RIP Mush Tutorial

03-03-07, 04:17 PM	#4
kiwi_2005 Eternal Patrol Join Date: May 2004 Location: Aeoteroa Posts: 7,382 Downloads: 223 Uploads: 1	nicely put and some good tips __________________ RIP kiwi_2005 Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

03-03-07, 04:21 PM	#5
Mush Martin Eternal Patrol Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,398 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	A tip for each act:rotfl:..............(um ya)MM __________________ RIP Mush Tutorial

03-03-07, 04:56 PM	#6
stabiz Silent Hunter Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Norway Posts: 4,224 Downloads: 14 Uploads: 0	Nice read, Kaleun! __________________

03-03-07, 05:13 PM	#7
sunvalleyslim Ace of the Deep Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, Ca Posts: 1,142 Downloads: 267 Uploads: 0	great story Ry, is there a IV act? __________________ Crew member/ decommission member TM2(SS)(SD) 3/68-7/70 DIESEL BOATS FOREVER USS SEGUNDO (SS398)

03-03-07, 07:56 PM	#8
Brag Navy Seal Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Docked on a Russian pond Posts: 7,072 Downloads: 2 Uploads: 0	A great read. Looking forward to more!!! You should enter the UBI writing contest. __________________ Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/

03-03-07, 08:04 PM	#9
JScones Navy Seal Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 5,501 Downloads: 19 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: I usually don't read the "diary/story" posts, but this one was very witty and entertaining!

03-03-07, 08:05 PM	#10
leeclose Grey Wolf Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Scotland Posts: 879 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	A good read while im sneaking away from 3 dd's trying to nail me but have no clue where i am man is 2 knots slow or what suppose i better get a terry pratchett novel out to read..... __________________ “There are only two kinds of naval vessels - submarines, and targets.” Uber-Boot Dev Team

03-03-07, 08:51 PM	#11
Syxx_Killer Admiral Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Michigan, USA Posts: 2,387 Downloads: 21 Uploads: 0	ROFLMAO!!! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl: Very well written! Maybe someday you will be able to make it to Port Said and rack up a little tonnage.

03-03-07, 08:56 PM	#12
Rykaird Weps Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 356 Downloads: 36 Uploads: 0	OK, I've reached Port Said, but I can't find the Averof! It's Jan 21, 1941. I have GWX 1.02 and SH3. Anyone know whereabouts she might be? It's kind of unfriendly in here. Doing the tourist thing is entertaining....

03-03-07, 09:04 PM	#14
ReallyDedPoet Canadian Wolf Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Canada. The one and only, East Coast Posts: 10,884 Downloads: 946 Uploads: 5	Well done Rykaird __________________ Back in the Day

03-03-07, 09:05 PM	#15
Mush Martin Eternal Patrol Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 4,398 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	Dude Im sorry Congratulations on getting through it is an achievment and Hecklers probably dont help If it does help I got mashed a few times going through the straights myself. MM __________________ RIP Mush Tutorial