Marijuana Filled Firewood

[SUBMAN1]

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'


'Yes. What can I do for you?'



'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'



'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'



The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.


Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.


'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'



'Yeah!'



'Did they chop your firewood?'



'Yep!'


'Happy Birthday, buddy!'



(Rednecks know how to get er done).

[Graf Paper]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Good one!

I like jokes with wit.

[Brag]

Ha, ha, Harrr, Harrrfff :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[August]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:


Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son:


Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!

Love,
Fred


At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Fred

[bookworm_020]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

I had read the potato one before, but it still gave me a chuckle!

[d@rk51d3]

I remember reading about a guy who was so paranoid about people stealing his firewood, that he concealed sticks of some kind of explosive inside various chunks of timber.

[kiwi_2005]

No wonder Russians love Vodka (not a joke thats coming next)

VODKA
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.


2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew


3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.


4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.


5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.


6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.


7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.


8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.


9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.


10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.


11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.


12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.


13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.


14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.


15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.




Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.


Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pa

[Takao]

I love the Chinese vocab jokes.


Being PC users here is one we all can relate to.

Suppose Edgar Allen Poe had used a computer

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
turning yet to churn some more.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed PC! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some bizarre illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
>From "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine:
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
And no "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data go.
What dreaded nether world is wrought
where all lost data will be stored?
Beyond the reach of mortal souls? Beyond the ether? In black holes?
But sure as there is C, Pascal, and Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
One day you'll be left to wonder, data trying to restore,
"Will I see it nevermore?"

[SUBMAN1]

Originally Posted by kiwi_2005

No wonder Russians love Vodka (not a joke thats coming next)

VODKA
1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.


2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew


3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.


4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.


5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.


6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.


7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.


8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.


9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.


10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.


11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.


12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.


13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.


14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.


15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

Couldn't you get a bottle of rubbing alcohol to do the same thing? Just a thought, and it might be a lot cheaper!

-S

[Trex]

I'd be careful about #14. Unless the vodka somehow renders the oils harmless, you could wind up spreading them wherever the vodka goes, making a nasty problem much worse.

As to some of the rest, I suspect there are better ways:

1. If I drink the vodka instead of pouring it on the bandage, I won't feel the bandage coming off anyway.

5. If I don't drink too much vodka, I won't have to worry about cleaning up vomit stains in the first place.

6. As above. The reason my pores (no, my entire face) is so slack is the vodka I inhaled last night.

8. Well, if it doesn't kill the wasps, it will at least make them friendlier.

12. Better yet, wash your filthy feet and then reward yourself with a shot of vodka. Or, if necessary, steel yourself by taking a shot of vodka and then wash your feet.

13. Old Russian folk remedy, I guess. Yep, those damned Siberian jellyfish again. A better plan is to stay on the beach, drink the vodka and amuse yourself by watching somebody else with a much nicer body try to impress the girls by going into the jellyfish-infested water.

[SUBMAN1]

:rotfl: