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SUBSIM: The Web's #1 resource for all submarine & naval simulations since 1997 |
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#1 |
Eternal Patrol
![]() Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: CATALINA IS. SO . CAL USA
Posts: 10,108
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Tasars... A Word To The Wise
I thought I'd give everyone a mix of advice and a chuckle at my expense.
![]() ![]() Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was Looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across Was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed The button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I Pushed the button AND p ressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the Prongs.?? AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn Spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to Myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, Right?! !?? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on Intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood Moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction Of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I Was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my Reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in One hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and Disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle Spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would Reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All The while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less Than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two Itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'?? What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do My best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head Cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one- Second burst from such a tin y little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I Decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, Picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over And over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the Oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had Never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it Again, stupid, do it again!' Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst When you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is Dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A Three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a Relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), Sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the Mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right Thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been Shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid |
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#2 |
The Old Man
![]() Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Central MO
Posts: 1,562
Downloads: 6
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Too bad we can't read it.
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#3 |
Eternal Patrol
![]() Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: CATALINA IS. SO . CAL USA
Posts: 10,108
Downloads: 511
Uploads: 0
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Sorry to all about that. I'm not the greatest at copy/ paste.
![]() If you left click and scroll down it hilites and is easy to read. Sorry Again. |
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#4 | |
Wayfaring Stranger
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![]() Flanked by life and the funeral pyre. Putting on a show for you to see. |
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#5 | |
The Old Man
![]() Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Central MO
Posts: 1,562
Downloads: 6
Uploads: 0
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#6 |
Ace of the Deep
![]() Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,169
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Christ Allmighty! I almost fell of my chair. This is a great find FIREWALL!
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#7 |
Eternal Patrol
![]() Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: CATALINA IS. SO . CAL USA
Posts: 10,108
Downloads: 511
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My wife did. She said Look now two people that are that STUPID.
![]() She proceeded to tell me " I never cease to amaze her" then she gave me a hug. She also gave me a somewhat biblical quote "Idle hands are the idiots workshp" Inside this 57yo man is a little boy. ![]() |
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#8 |
The Old Man
![]() Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Parkland, FL, USA
Posts: 1,437
Downloads: 5
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:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
I kinda wish he'd done it to the cat...that would have been funny!
__________________
Thor: Intel Core i7 4770K|ASUS Z87Pro|32GB DDR3 RAM|11GB EVGA GeForce RTX 2080Ti Black|256GB Crucial M4 SSD+2TB WD HDD|4X LG BD-RE|32" Acer Predator Z321QU 165Hz G-Sync (2540x1440)|Logitech Z-323 2.1 Sound|Win 10 Pro Explorer (MSI GL63 8RE-629 Laptop): Intel Core i7 8750H|16GB DDR4 RAM|6GB GeForce GTX 1060|128GB SSD+1TB HDD|15.6" Widescreen (1920x1080)|Logitech R-20 2.1 Sound|Win 10 Home |
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#9 |
Eternal Patrol
![]() Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: CATALINA IS. SO . CAL USA
Posts: 10,108
Downloads: 511
Uploads: 0
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My wife has one of those little Mexican dogs.
I thought about it :p For just a second then came to my senses. That is my wifes baby. |
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#10 |
Lucky Jack
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Sooo... what happens when you buy a gun? Shoot yourself to the leg just to be sure all the things you hear about bullets are true? :rotfl:
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#11 | |
Sea Lord
![]() Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: CA4528
Posts: 1,693
Downloads: 3
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__________________
"You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you" - Leon Trotsky |
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#12 |
Watch Officer
![]() Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Mind your own business English Types
Posts: 334
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Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
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#13 |
Navy Seal
![]() Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Docked on a Russian pond
Posts: 7,072
Downloads: 2
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Firewall!
That tasser charge inspired you to some great writing. I hope you're no planning to write a novel that way. :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: For the rest of you guys: ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
__________________
Espionage, adventure, suspense, are just a click away Click here to look inside Brag's book: Amazon.com: Kingmaker: Alexey Braguine: Books Order Kingmaker here: http://www.subsim.com/store.html For Tactics visit:http://www.freewebs.com/kielman/ ![]() |
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#14 | |
Navy Seal
![]() Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: York - UK
Posts: 6,079
Downloads: 43
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Want to paste strangely formatted text into the subsim forums?
First paste it into notepad, then copy it again and paste it in to the forum! Quote:
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#15 |
Ocean Warrior
![]() Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 2,507
Downloads: 145
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You know... if that was me, when I was between the ages of 8-17, I probably would have done the same damn thing with the tazer.
![]() With all the stuped things that I've done as a kid, it's a miracle that I'm still alive today. My wife is VERY amazed that I'm still alive.
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