Mental Hospital Phone Menu

[SUBMAN1]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

"Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital."

Please select from the following options menu:
--If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
--If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
--If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
--If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
--If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
--If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
--If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press,nothing will make you happy anyway.
--If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
--If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
--If you have low self f-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too
busy to talk with you.
--If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,
lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
--If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.