2013 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports

[Gut Wrench]

2013 Subsim Fantasy Football
...and then there were eight.

Welcome back football fans, and here we are just days away from Draft Day, on the most important football season we're seen...since last year.

It's the 2013 Subsim Fantasy Football competition, 16 weeks of grueling to and fro in the race up to the coveted Torpedo Bowl. And we'll be there every yard of the way to bring you the much anticipated Monday night rewrites, and keep you up to do with all the stories around the league.

But before we get to this years draft, a word from our sponsor.

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On with the first show of the year. After last years decision decision to have the draft overseas, Commissioner McBee has listened to his fans (unlike the new Yahoo FF pages) and brought the draft back to a traditional American flavor. This years draft will take place while cruising on the Mississippi on board the American Queen paddle boat.




The grandeur and comforts of grand Southern ladies awaits the Coaches as they begin to gather in Memphis for a three night draft cruise. Beautiful, opulent and abundant heavy chested Southern Belles will provide around the clock service to the Subsim community, for as we know, the girls love a man who can go deep.

This year the Commissioner has taken the extraordinary step of reducing the number of teams to eight, within two divisions. "I didn't receive enough graft, I mean, interest from the other syndicate families to warrant 16 years, so screw em. If they wanna be wussies, let em play in the NFL."

Obvious omission include last years second team from Australia, the Tarjackistan Tarbulls and their surprise fourth pick of the draft ("We'll take the 49ers defense.") who failed to renew, leaving the two stalwart internationals of the Helmand Nighthawks (London) and the Australian Taipans (Queensland) in the same division.

That same division sees the introduction of the only new team, the "Who Dat Nation." (Who knew?)

In the other division, the big bangers of the league are all grouped. The Black Cats, the Guns of Hochuli, and the Drunk Monkeys lead the charge while the Commissioners own Wild Boston Terriers make up the fourth team.

As we get ready for draft day on Sunday, the big questions are already on everyone's lips. Is this the year that McBee will win the Championship? How many bare ass monkeys will we see this year? Will the 2013 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports get a nomination for this years Best of Subsim?

So get ready for most Gut Wrenching 16 weeks of disappointment and frustration we've seen since there were twice as many teams. They're all gone, ...and then there were eight.

[nikimcbee]

omg, the draft is tomorrow.

[CaptainHaplo]

My homework is done - I am SOOOO ready!

[nikimcbee]

Originally Posted by CaptainHaplo

My homework is done - I am SOOOO ready!

Tebow for the win.

[TarJak]

Best of luck to all the teams this season. Go the Taipans.

[nikimcbee]

tick.tick.tick.
Everytime I do a fantasy practice draft, I always wind up last or second to last.

[Gut Wrench]

DRAFT IS DONE
...and surprising results.

Welcome back football fans, the morning after the draft. The boat has put in, carnage is being carried off, heads are spinning, and all Coachs wish to thank the Commissioner for the generosity of hosting the draft.

But before we get to the results, here's the most important thing you must do today.

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After having first pick in the past two years, the Helmand Nighthawks were at the back end of the draft, allowing the Green Beans first pick. Unfortunately, the Beans were a no-show at the dock before the paddle boat departed, along with the Guns of Hochuli. Still, both teams did respectfully, and if the record book shows, the Gunners were a no show last year at the draft, and still did fabulously.

In one of the quickest drafts seen, the entire process was done in under 40 minutes, leaving the vaudeville show ample opportunity to showcase their assets. There were fewer surprises this year, the most notable being the Black Cats selection of the Buffalo Defense in round eight, who were dropped even before the draft had finished.

Starting quarterbacks for each of the teams are as follows:

Green Beans: Cam Newton
Black Cats: Peyton Manning
Drunk Monkeys: Matt Ryan
Who Dat Nation: Michael Vick
Wild Boston Terriers: Aaron Rodgers
Helmand Nighthawks: Matthew Stafford
Australian Taipans: Tom Brady
Guns of Hochuli: Colin Kaepernick

Week one starts Thursday night, the waiver wire opens on Tuesday morning, and get ready for some fantasy football. The 16 weeks of "oohhhh' and arrrgggh" start right here, as the race to the Torpedo Bowl, begins.

[CaptainHaplo]

In my defense, I would like to point out that it was rather indefensible to be showing Miley Cyrus twerking on the Jumbotron during the Black Cat's pick. Its like a train wreck, you know its going to be bad but you just can't look away....

Any sane coach would have picked anything at that point just to get that to cycle to something else......

[Gargamel]

Well, I have had a very busy week with my little bro's wedding, a new girlfriend, work, and some regattas.

I usually tweak Yahoo's predraft picks a bit, but I didnt have a chance.

I'll take Matt ryan. I'll go see now what I ended up with.

[Gut Wrench]

BLACK CATS PURR
Week 1 and the claws are out.


Week One in the 2013 Subsim Fantasy Football. The first edition usually originates from the Monday Night game, but this year, we have two Monday night games. Still, we'll find out that we didn't need any Monday Night game to work out just how purr-fect the Black Cats may be. We'll bring you all the highlights, right after this very important message.

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And now back to the less important stuff.

Last year they arrived and spanked the opposition in week one. This year, the Drunk Monkeys were matched up against a formidable force with the defending Torpedo Bowl Champions, Coach Casey and The Guns Of Hochuli. Favorites (before this week) to go back to back as Torpedo Bowl Champions, they were scheduled to travel and meet the Gargamel's Drunk Monkeys on their home turf. The Gunners run for an immaculate season ended, when Victor Cruz crossed his third touchdown. It didn't hurt either that the Monkeys other two wide receivers Brandon Marshall and Danny Amendola also went for 100 yards. The Gunner's with Collin Kaepernick (QB) threw for over 400 yards, but were not helped in their cause when Calvin Johson could only catch for 37 yards. Final score, Drunk Monkeys 162, Guns of Hochuli 119.

The biggest freaking surprise of the week was the performance of Coach FYC Black Cats, in particular, their QB Peyton Manning. Also playing at home the kitties hosted the traditional brawl fest with the Wild Boston Terriers. The game started Thursday night, but unfortunately, the Doggies didn't even show up until Sunday, by which time Manning had already thrown for what seemed like half a mile. Not even the gallant effort of the Dogs QB Aaron Rodgers could make up the Manning difference. Black Cats scratch the Wild Boston Doggies for a 168 - 82 win, and the biggest blow out we've seen this year.

With the Tarjackistan Torpedoes relegated to the NRL this year, the sole team from the Southern Hemisphere are the Australian Taipans. After what is being reported as a poor draft, the Taipans traveled to be marginal underdogs to long time rivals, the Green Beans. There was to be no love lost this weekend as the Taipans went to work, while the Green Beans left over 70 points sitting on the bench. Green Beans loose at home 111 to the Taipans 125.

In the other hemisphere and across the pond, Mister Chris and the other international team, the Helmand Nighthawks had the honor of welcoming the newest club to a packed Wembly Stadium. (Pic below)

The Who Dat Nation, based out of Oregon, were reported to have the best draft this year, quite an accomplishment on debut. However, the Nighthawks were having none of that "preseason honors" as they ran up 124 points. The Nighthawks had to wait out Monday night for the Who Dat starter RB Arian Foster to arrive, after getting his nails done. Final score Nighthawks 124 to Who Dat 113

So after week 1, here's how the league looks.

Half the teams won, the other half are a game behind.

Next weeks biggest match we'll see the first home game of the Who Dat Nations they host the Green Beans.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 462 yards passing and 7 passing TD's, for a total of 54.64 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Peyton Manning of the Black Cats the Week One MVT.

[CaptainHaplo]

Next week the 2 highest scoring teams from this week meet. Looks to be a close one.....

[Gut Wrench]

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?
Terriers Obliterate Defending Champions.


Week Two in the 2013 Subsim Fantasy Football. One of the wildest games you've never seen, played out on a field you've never been to, with players no one could get on the same team. Yes, it's Fantasy Football, and this week, we'll tell you who could of won, who should of won, and who wonders what happened.

But first, this very important message from our sponsor.



And now back to the less important stuff.

The defending champions, the Guns of Hochuli are reeling this evening after being knawed, chewed and obliterated by the Wild Boston Terriers in one of the biggest reversal of fortunes that the league has ever seen. After being handed a whipping buy the Black Cats in week one, Coach McBee and the Wild Boston Terriers have turned their season around in one game and handed the defending Torpedo Bowl Champions, an embarrassing loss at home. The Gunners appeared to act like rookies this week, making the fundamental mistake of fielding Colin Kaepernick (QB) and the Seattle (Def) on the same field. As it turned out, Kaepernick didn't take any points away from a stellar effort by Seattle, but by that time, the Dogs had already buried their bone. Final Score Wild Boston Terriers 152 - 116.

In an intriguing and perhaps forgotten battle, the two international teams of the Australian Taipans and the Helmand Nighthawks meet Down Under this week. The Taipans started Thursday night and while not an impressive display, put some points on the board. The Nighthawks, slight favourites this week in some circles, rallied and chased down the Taipans, edging ahead late Sunday, even with the newly acquired Brandon Meyers (TE) injuring himself. The Taipans, hampered by two injured RB's, one TE who might not as well have showed up, and the Browns (DEF), moved ahead for a narrow, and somewhat improbable win. Taipans win 111 - 93.

In our big match of the week, the Who Dat Nation, newcomers to the league, were hosting the Green Beans. The Beans have played a spoiler role on a number of "must win" games in recent years, and this was no exception. In a high scorring affair which saw Drew Brees (Who Dat Nation) go almost point for point with Jimmy Graham (Green Beans) the deciding factor wound up being Pierre Garson (WR) for the Green Beans. Who Dat drop to 0-2 and go on the road as they are defeated by the Green Beans 125 - 107.

Last week they scored more points than anyone else. This week, the Drunk Monkeys stopped scoring on Sunday and left the game in the hands of A.J. Green (WR) for the Black Cats to get the win. Needing 20 points for the night, Green only had 5 before the last half of football for the week. Green would come up 10 points shy, as the Drunk Monkeys account for the Black Cats 117 - 107.

So, after the first two weeks in the championships, the Drunk Monkeys and the Australian Taipans both sit at the top of their respective divisions at 2-0. At the same time, the defending Torpedo Bowl Champions; the Guns of Hochuli and the newest team in the league, the Who Dat Nation, both sit at 0-2, desperate for their first win of the season. Everybody else is 1-1.

Next weeks biggest match we'll see the Black Cats hosting the Guns of Hochuli. The Cats after this week, will be looking for an easy win to climb back to the top of the tree. The Guns of Hochuli, after a shocking start to the season, will be looking for their first win if they have any chance of making the play offs. And we'll be there to capture every frustrating moment there is from Thursday night through to Monday night, right here at Subsim.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 480 yards passing and 4 passing TD's for a total of 36.45 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Aaron Rodgers of the Wild Boston Terriers the Week Two MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

...AND THEN THERE WERE NONE.
League Leaders Immaculate Season is Done.


Week three in the 2013 Subsim Fantasy Football. The 72 Dolphins are safe (again) as the two league leaders choke on losses that drop them to 2-1. We'll tell you about the return to form of everyone's favorite vegetable, and we'll discover that there's still some bite in an old dog. All this and more, right after this very important message.

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There they were, sitting at the top of the league ladders, looking all defiant in their 2-0 armor when suddenly....:::BAM::: knocked out of their tree and deposited back in the field where they belong. With both coaches left to .

Let's start with the Taipans. The Taipans were surprise leaders in the Surface Skimmers division when the Who Dat Nation, with no wins to their name, arrived. Who Dat, even with one RB on the bench, managed to stay pace with the Taipans through Sunday evening in what was looking like an close affair that would go down to the wire. All the Taipans needed was Martellus Bennett, their 4th replacement for this week for injuries, to catch something like he had in the past weeks. All he caught was a Pittsburgh Cold, which he choked on. On the opening drive of Monday night, what little hope the Taipans hand slithered away when Eric Decker (WR) caught the first touchdown. The Who Dat Nation convincingly score their first win of the season by spanking the Australian Taipans 110-82. Coach Pioneer had nothing to say after the game, having left early to get a front row seat at next weeks waiver wire.

How 'bout them Monkeys? The other league leader was pitted against the Wild Boston Terriers which even this writer had money on them winning. The Doggies, after losing the season opener, have put a stamp on the league as they put enough points (not a lot) on the board to get a win. The Drunk Monkeys, even with their ferocious Bear type defense scoring 25 points, were still without touchdowns from their receivers, leaving them finished on Sunday night. Coach McBee ran out his Orange Crush of Julius Thomas (TE) Matt Prater (K) and the Broncos (DEF) Monday night to put the game away. Wild Boston Terriers get their second snarling of the season defeating the Drunk Monkeys 84.73-80.08.

Could the Green Beans be this years surprise team in the Subsim Torpedo League? While every one suffered with injuries and the average scores dropped, the Green Beans put the pedal to the metal and accelerated away with WR Antonio Brown receiving for 196 yard and 2 TD's. Even after losing in week 1 to the Taipans, the Beans have put up more points than any other team, and this week was no exception as the Green beans easily demolished the Helmand Nighthawks 154 - 111. The win catapults the Beans to the Division, and League leader.

Coach Casey and the defending league champions, the Guns of Hochuli were desperate for a win after going 0-2 in the first two weeks. Drawing what looked like a easier match up against the Black Cats, Coach FYC showed the were no wussies as they raised the fur. "We got ourselves into a cat-fight, and the best dog won," Coach FYC was heard to say after the game. (Editor: Umm, yeah. )

Black Cats sail forward on Monday night coming from behind to easily beat the Gunners 113 - 92.

So after week 3, here's how the league looks.

In the Sub Simmers Division, the Black Cats, Drunk Monkeys and Wild Boston Terriers are equal at 2-1. The Guns of Hochuli are languishing at 0-3.

In the Surface Skimmers Division, the Green Beans and the Australian Taipans are at 2-1, while Who Dat and a Helmand Nighthawks are at 1-2.

Next weeks biggest match we'll see be a local derby for bragging rights between the Wild Boston Terriers, and the Who Dat Nation. A capacity sell out crowd is expected for the day, where the early game is some Oregon college match up.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 342 yards passing, 3 passing TD's 21 rushing yards and 1 rushing TD, for a total of 32.89 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Brew Brees of the Who Dat Nation the Week Three MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

MONDAY NIGHT REWRITES
...and how about them Gunners.

Week four in the 2013 Subsim Fantasy Football. We didn't have to wait very long for the first rush to press on the Monday Night Rewrites. 4 games in contention, four rewrites to be completed. But that's why it's called Fantasy Football because it's such a soothing relaxing game.

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Let' start with the biggest shock of the season so far, the Guns of Hochuli. Coach Casey and the defending Torpedo Bowl champions are off to a horror start this year. Soundly whipped in two of their three games, the Gunners are desperate to get their first W of the season, and this week, pitched against the Green Beans, they look like they had their opportunity to get that win. Not so fast...let's look at the Monday night game. Leading by a measly 9 points the Gunners had to hold their breath and wait for Jimmy Graham (TE) of the Green Beans to arrive. The wait was short lived as Graham scored a TD in the first quarter, taking the lead in the game. With no other players left on the field, the Guns of Hochuli stood silent as the Bean snuk past the rest of the division to take a 3-1 lead. Final score Green Beans 131 Guns of Hochuli 113.

In the local derby, the Who Dat Nation finally get their second win of the season with a sound thrashing of Coach McBee and the Wild Boston Terriers. The Terriers looked the goods in the first half of the weekend, scampering away to an early lead. By the time they arrived at Monday night, the Doggies held a 17 point lead. But Who Dat would not be denied, with Drew Brees (QB) and Marcus Colston (WR) coming out and shortening the Dogs leash int he first quarter. Having taken the lead, they were never headed. Final score Who Dat Nation 146 Wild Boston Terriers 116.

Of the overseas teams, the Helmand Nighthawks at 1-2 have been performing below standard. This week their match up was against the surprising and somewhat startling Black Cats. The Cats, early leaders in the league, have quietly purred their way to a share of the divisional lead, but Coach Mister Chris had other ideas. "We don't play to come in second," he was heard hollering at his team, as they racked up an impressive 135 points. The Nighthawks sat back and waited as Brian Hartline (WR) and Darren Sproles (RB) scored...and scored....and scored. But it wasn't enough. The Nighthawks held the Cats at bay to run out winners 135 - 117.

The other international team, the Australians Taipans, were looking convincing for a win when their opposition, the Druink Monkeys, started Steve Smith, currently on vacation in Fiji. With one player down, the Taipans were not able to capitalise on the overlap. It was not until late Sunday night when Tony Gonzales (TE) for the Monkeys started to turn it on, that the Tapians finally grabbed the lead...for about 8 seconds. By Monday night the Monkeys had posted their final score and the Taipans were relying on the boot of Garret Hartley (K) to score 9 points. Score as much as they might, it didn't help, the missed field goal definitely didn't help and the Taipans loose a thriller to the Drunk Monkeys, 117.59-116.27.

So after week 4, here's how the league looks.

In the Sub Simmers Division, the Guns of Hochuli sit at the bottom of the division at 0-4. The Drunk Monkeys own sole ownership of the division at 3-1 while the Black Cats and the Wild Boston Terriers have a share each at 2-2.

In the Surface Skimmers Division, the Green Beans lead the division 3-1, while the Australian Taipans, Who Dat Nation and the Helmand Nighthawks are all at 2-2.

Next weeks biggest match will see a bottom of the ladder clash between divisional rivals, as the Guns of Hochuli host the Helmand Nighthawks. The Gunners will need a win to have any hope of play off appearance, otherwise, they may as well telephone Eli Manning and book their seats at the Torpedo Bowl now.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 9 receptions for 86 yards and 2 TD's , for a total of 25.30 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Demarius Thomas of the Helmand Nighthawks the Week Four MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

LAST WEEK REWRITES
Sorry about that, Monkeys.

Week five in the 2013 Subsim Fantasy Football. Before we can do anything about week 5, we have to go back to last week and do some rewrites. Having done some rewrites, we'll then change our match of the week, then we'll tell you about the rewrites for this week, and how badly last week affected this week.

But before we rewrite anything, let's do one thing first.

NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL THREAD FOR THE BEST OF SUBSIM.

Back to last week. We reported that in week four the Drunk Monkeys defeated the Australian Taipans 117.59 to 116.27. On Thursday, Commissioner McBee called a press conference for 0900 to announce a revision of the score. With both coaches standing beside the podium the Commissioner announced an error in the scoring.

"We failed to account for a Cincinnati block kick worth two points, and accordingly, instate those points now," McBee announced to a frenzied audience. "Accordingly, the two points now means the Australian Taipans win the game 118.27 - 117.59, a difference of .68."

The win gave the Taipans a 3-1 record and drops the Drunk Monkeys to 2-2. There were some words exchanged between the two coaches, a few "Your Moma" jokes before the bird was flipped, and an all in brawl erupted. Consequently, Ray Rice (RB) of the Taipans was suspended and relegated to the NFL.

The end result of the melee saw this week's match of the day changed to the Green Beans and the Drunk Monkeys. The #1 and #2 teams int he league fought out a ding don battle. Green Beans Coach Chad rested three of his starters, and still managed to put up more points than anyone else in the league. Gargamel, after having several of his starters involved in the ugly conference brawl, succumbed to injuries and bruise ego, and fell short of the total. Final score Green Beans 125 Drunk Monkeys 116.

The other team involved in that ugly fight were the Australian Taipans. With a one week suspension Taipan RB Ray Rice went down to the NFL where he scored 22 points. If he had been playing for the Taipans they may have gotten the win against the Wild Boston Terriers, who's TE star Julius Thomas ran around the Taipans scoring two touchdowns. Wild Boston Terriers 127 defeat the Taipans 105, and as the only divisional team to win this week, advance to the lead with a 3-2 record.

In the cellar of the league, the appearance of both the Helmand Nighthawks and the Guns of Hochuli has surprised everyone. The Gunners are yet to record a win after storming through the league last year. The Nighthawks have been plague by the plague (and other injuries) as they try to regroup. In the lowest scoring of the game of the week, the Gunner QB Colin Kaepernick was only able to put one TD on the board. The deciding factor in the game was Nighthawk kicker Justin Tucker who scored 18 points, the second highest scorer on the team. Nighthawks advance to 3-2, while the Guns of Hochuli, look for first pick of the draft at 0-5.

In the race to get above .500, the 2-2 Black Cats and the Who Dat Nation faced off for their first meeting of the season. Newcomers to the league, Coach FuelForBlood has the leagues longest running winning streak (at 2) lead by QB Drew Brees.

On the other side of the has marks, the Black Cats have purred with QB Peyton Manning great, and everybody else occasionally showing up. Outside of the scare that Manning gave the WhoDatNation by scoring 40 points to at least make the score respectable, Coach FuelForBlood took an easy win, advances to 3-2 with the longest active winning streak (of 3) in the league.

So after week 5, no one has taken charge of the league and most teams are within a game of each other.

In the Sub Simmers Division, the Guns of Hochuli sit at the bottom of the division at 0-5. The Wild Boston Terriers now sit on top of the pile at 3-2, with both the Black Cats and the Drunk Monkeys at 2-3.

In the Surface Skimmers Division, the Green Beans lead the league 4-1, their only loss occurring in week 1 against the Taipans, who they meet next week. The Tapians, the WhoDatNation and the Helmand Nighthawks at 3-2 make up the balance of the division.

Next weeks biggest match will see the Guns of Hochuli hosting the Drunk Monkeys. With the Monkeys expected to make some changes from players on byes, the Gunners have their first opportunity to steal a win. The Monkeys on the other hand, can regain the divisional lead with a win and some help across the board.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 7 sacks, 3 interceptions, 1 fumble recovered, 1 safety and less than 7 points scored against them, for 27 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present the Cardinal defense of the Green Beans the Week Five MVT.