What Would Patton Do? A Flashpoint Adventure

[Hottentot]

Whew, it's been a while, but as they say: old soldiers don't die, they just fade away...to pop up at some point once more and start the circus all over again. In short, Lieutenant Doltstein is again ready to fight the enemies of the free world in this daring adventure, courtesy of Flashpoint's editor. If you don't know or remember him, a better picture (literally) can be found from the previous adventure thread.

OK, enough talk. Time to begin the new episode in the life of our hero, called: "What Would Patton Do?"

____________________

PART 1: PROMOTIONS AND YOU


Good morning, sweet America! It is me! The patriotic defender of your freedom, liberty, emancipation, democracy and apple pie: Lieutenant Doltstein. After my resounding success at capturing the village of Regina from the Godless communists, I had some R&R. But the war is going on and my country needs me again, so here I am on the road again




Of course, everything has gone to balls since I left for a moment. The reds have pushed us almost back to the sea from Everon, and even the beautiful Regina has been captured again. In fact, we are down to our last stretch of three towns: Durras, Vernon and Saint Pierre. Should the commies drive us into the Saint Pierre Bay, the war will be lost and democracy has failed. No! I can't accept that!




The dirty commies are expected to attack from the North, along the road. Our outpost in Durras has been fortified for days and is waiting for them. I am to report to Major Doe, the commanding officer of the fortification, and take command of the second platoon stationed in Durras. I was specifically called for this duty, since the latest intel reports that there might be an enemy sniper stationed nearby.

And by "latest intel" I mean "#***8364;&¤% it, we have lost four men to this sneaky creep, will someone please pop him already?!"




So here I am on my way to Durras. Once the enemy has been repelled back to Moscow, I will personally hang that cowardly sniper!







Chyort! I have been watching this decadent capitalist outpost for days now while all my comrades are drinking vodka and preparing for the big assault. I heard there are even some camp followers there, but my only company here are just mosquitoes and flies. I swear, I'm going crazy if I can't find Major Doe soon and put a bullet in his round head.




But how? Sneaky oppressors all look the same. Literally! They all have similar gear and any one of them could be Doe. I have already shot four of them just to prevent myself from dying from boredom, but every shot is a risk. I didn't really sleep last night, having to constantly evade the enemy patrols, who were no doubt looking for me.




I have managed to make some notes and I'm starting to remember some faces. I am sure that Doe is none of those four idiots, of whom three can't seem to figure out that one of them is cheating at Poker. In fact, I have ruled out the possibility that Doe would be any of the men hanging around the tents. Why would an officer sleep in one anyway?




Instead I am sure that Doe and his headquarters are in the old school building. Constant guard is stationed near it, and a certain man keeps going in and out. If I'll have to wait for much longer, I will just shoot him and return to base, orders be damned.




What is this? A car is approaching from the South. And the driver seems to be alone. No capitalist soldier would get a car on his own. This man must be an officer! Maybe even Doe himself?!




Da! He is stopping in front of the school! Now I am sure! I just need to take good aim...

[Hottentot]

Ah, Durras! The impregnable fortress of liberty! The air here smells free and the birds are singing in harmony! Now I just need to find Major Doe and report for duty.




Oh, right, I forgot. The uniforms have been replaced with combat gear, and I have no idea what Major Doe looks like. I need to ask someone, but those two guys look busy...




What?! Why is he not going into the school? He seems to be moving towards the tents. What sense does that make?! Maybe the American is even more clueless than his comrades.




That guy looks idle. We can't have idle soldiers in the best of the best of the best army in the world, no sir! I'll make him pay Uncle Sam for his upkeep by helping me!




He is approaching the grunt that stashes alcohol behind one of those houses nearby. Maybe they are in some sort of scheme?




You! You there, grunt! I am Lieutenant Doltstein and I have just arrived to take command of the second platoon. Where can I find Major Doe?!




Right here son.




Ooo, Major Doe, Sir requesting permission to apologize Sir, I did not recognize you!




I think now is proper time to say, as the imperialists put it, "GOTCHA!"

[BANG!]




What the...?!




Ha! Mission accomplished! Volodya better have left some vodka for me in the camp!




Major Doe, Sir, still requesting permission to apologize, Sir! Major Doe...

Oh heck. As a specialist trained in first aid, my keen eyes can see that he is dead. I'd go right now and find that devious sniper and feed his own bullets to him one by one, but I have a mission to accomplish! I must take command of the second platoon! Who is the second in command here?!




Uh, Sir, Private Noname requesting permission to answer: that would most likely be you now, Sir.




Me? Lieutenant Doltstein? I...I like the sound of that.

My country calls me and I shall answer! I will lead our men into victory by the principle that cannot fail. Our watchword in the battle against tyranny, evil and blasphemy will be...




WHAT WOULD PATTON DO?!

[Dowly]

Hooray!

[Lord_magerius]

Just like Deus:Ex as soon as somebody talks about it or posts a screenshot I have to try and dig out my copy Looking forward to the rest of it

[Oberon]

Woohoo! I enjoyed the last series, I look forward to this one!

[mobucks]

You killed Major Doe by saluting him.

[Hottentot]

PART 2: AIR CAVALRY




The day has passed quietly. The commies must have seen our mighty fortifications and ran back to their mommy. Or then they are planning something. The weather is getting worse, and night will fall eventually too. We must know what they are up to before it's too late.




Therefore I commissioned two of our trucks for recon duty. Thinking what Patton would do, I think he would be proud of me. I even inspired the men by giving them the same orders he gave to his.




JUST DRIVE DOWN THAT ROAD UNTIL YOU GET BLOWN UP!

What a wise man! An exemplary commander!




The trucks leave for their vital mission. Soon they will reveal all the devious plot of communist conspirators behind that hill.








Aha! Patton's wise words have resulted in flawless and crucial piece of intelligence: the enemy has trained approximately 10,000 guns to that position. Now they can't surprise us anymore!




However, that gives me an idea! Since they must be watching the road, they can't be watching their backs! Men! Get into the remaining truck! We shall give the enemy a deadly surprise soon!

[Hottentot]

Whew. It took all the diplomat in me, but I managed to convince Colonel Smith in Saint Pierre to borrow me their Chinook chopper.




And with me are three battle hardened platoons from Durras, ready and eager to fight the enemies of our way of life. To ensure their safety, I shall pilot the chopper personally.




My plan is genius in its simplycity. I left one platoon of men in Durras to delay the enemy. Meanwhile we will fly behind the lines, land on this mountain and proceed trough the forest to hit the vodka drunken pigs in their rears. In short, we shall put them between anvil and a 100% American stainless steel hammer, not that cheap yellow thing they have on their unholy flag.





Enough talk! To the skies!





I'm getting a hang of this soon!




OK, this isn't so difficult after all. We fly low and fast, to avoid detection by enemy anti aircraft forces. The men are screaming in anticipation of the glorious battle we are about to begin!




This looks like a good place to land. OK, manual page number 687. Auto-hover on...




And a soft touch down on flat surface...




I jump out of the chopper to cover my men while they disembark. A good commander like Patton thinks of safety first!





Hmm, the commies must be somewhere down that valley, but I can't see them due to this darn fog...





Come to think of it, I can't see my men or my chopper either. I swear I left them right there! Where did they go?! Does the chopper pilot's manual say anything about situations like this? Let's see...

Yeah, I think I found the relevant page. Page 693: "After the landing..."



"...remember to engage the handbrake."

Did we forget that, men?

...Men?




Oops.

Being suddenly alone behind the enemy lines and in hostile territory, I find that the most tactically prudent course of action is...




...To turn 180 degrees and start assaulting another direction. I'm sure Patton said something along those lines somewhere too...

[Hottentot]

PART 3: LEADERSHIP IN PRACTISE


The night is falling. The night of the beast. Tonight it will be decided, if the fortress of good and just in Durras will hold the line like our glorious forefathers did before us in other places. There is a handful of us...




And according to the scouts: "A freaking horde" of commies.




I lead the heroic defence personally. I'm manning a machinegun right behind my men to make sure no one...uh, is left without fire support.

Truth be told, all hasn't gone as I expected. I requested reinforcements to replace the three platoons that deserted earlier, and the HQ readily accepted. It has been hours now, and they still haven't arrived. I can't understand how is that possible. I followed Patton's example to the letter:




IF YOU TELL PEOPLE WHERE TO GO, BUT NOW HOW TO GET THERE, YOU'LL BE AMAZED AT THE RESULTS.

Well, he sure was right with that one.




Well so be it! One me is worth 1,000 dirty commies anyway!

I sure hope the same is true for my men, since here they come! I can already see smoke in the horizon!




Oh my freaking God, there's an army of them! Why didn't anyone inform me there's an army of them?! A corps or a brigade, but a freaking army! God help me, they are shooting at us! Someone do something! Shoot back, damn it!




OK, ¤%#&* this! I'm relocating to better command post!




GAH I'M HIT! I'M HIT! IT BURNS!! MEDIC!!!




Whew...OK, Doltstein, get a hold of yourself. It's just a fleshwound. I hope. I can still feel my legs. I've been through worse...




...I think?

OK, no time to lose it now! Think, Doltstein, think! What would Patton do?! What did he say about situations such as this?!




NO BASTARD EVER WON A WAR BY DYING FOR HIS COUNTRY! HE WON IT...




...by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.




What a wise man! Private Apricot, cover me!




Hang on, dear America! Lieutenant Doltstein is coming to save you...later!

[Hottentot]

PART 4: IT'S CALLED "RADIO SILENCE"



Finally! God bless my trusty General Motors tractor, that has safely transported me away from that furnace! In search for reinforcements I arrive to Vernon. This fine countryside village may not look like much, but in reality it is the bastion of good and just! It is the stalward champion of light against darkness! It is...




...Completely abandoned? I suppose this is what Colonel Smith mentioned in the briefing.




"The fortification of Vernon is still under construction, but Major Doe is responsible for that. Do not bother your round little head with that, Lieutenant."

How come I always seem to get in trouble when I'm following orders?




Of course! Colonel Smith! I will contact him with my radio and request air support! The commies have packed themselves to tightly that a few bombs should obliterate most of them.




I'll camp here. I have always loved idyllic countryside houses. Especially dark idyllic countryside houses. Away from the path of the red steamhammer. Far away.




My timing is perfect! Here they come already!




"Papa Bear, come in Papa Bear. Papa Bear, this is Captain America One."

"Who the *(/%^& is this?!"

"Papa Bear, this is Captain America One, I'm in..."

"Soldier, in case you didn't notice, we are at war! Get back into your post and quit joking with the radio!!"

"Papa Bear, this is no joke, this is Captain..."

[Click]




In retrospect I suppose I should have used the callsign "Alpha" as agreed earlier...




Still, it makes me so mad!! Here I am in this bush while all these commies are just lining up to be shot. I swear, give me a rifle and a line of sight, and it's bang, pack up your gear guys, the war is over! I swear!!




Look at that!! The commie tin can is just begging to get shot!! A qualified anti-tank expert like me is dying a small death every second I'm forced to look at it slowly driving that road, unaware of the sudden death that is just one bloody LAW away.




OOOOOOO IT MAKES ME SO MAD!!! WE HAVE THE BEST ARMY IN THE WORLD AND CAN AFFORD $1,000,000,000 NUKES BUT NOT ONE STUPID ANTI-TANK WEAPON FOR THE MOST LOYAL AND FAITHFUL DEFENDER OF OUR FREE COUNTRY?! WHY GOD WHY??!! I'M SO FURIOUS!! I'M GOING TO BLOW MY TOP!!! I'M...I'm...





...I'm thinking out loud, am I not?




Um, lovely evening gentlemen. Applepie?




You know, when I said I'd be driving the commies back to Moscow, at least I was hoping they'd let me hold the steering wheel...

_________________

And folks, it seems our lieutenant is not getting back to his family for Christmas, because that's exactly what I'm going to do. So tune in again next week kids, for our hero's daring adventure in the life of a POW, and learn how to mess everything up even without any guns at all!

Thanks for listening, children! This is...uh, wrong game I guess. Well, happy holidays anyway!

[Hottentot]

[CCIP]

http://img684.imageshack.us/img684/5935/35561059.jpg

I really lost it at that one

Excellent work! And remember - commies don't celebrate Christmas. No vodka till new years for you.

[Hottentot]

Hellooooo forumland! We are back after my RL POW-camp is over! So time for the next part, as well as an additional challenge: the first one to spot the two movie references in this part gets a cookie.

Without further ado:


PART 5: POW!



So: Camp OompahLoompahBoo! Well, that's what it sounds like to me anyway. I have spent a week or so here as a guest of the commies. I expected the HQ to have sent a rescue team by now, but yet here I still am. Didn't they get my secret message cunningly disguised as Christmas card?




Well, so far I'm at least still alive. If anything is going to kill me, it's boredom. The commies gave me this tent and I haven't had much anything to do besides sitting here. Of course, as an officer I have participated in some interrogations...







But they have mostly proven fruitless and the commies gave up early. So instead they forced me to do some menial tasks under strict guard. Such as keeping their tents warm while the lazy pigs slept.








But for some reason they haven't ordered me to do anything except to sit in here in my tent lately. Well, I have time, and it can't be too long before the HQ notices I'm missing and will send a rescue team to haul me out of here. I'm sure of it: They can't fight this war without me! And besides, Colonel Smith is a personal friend of mine!





"Colonel Smith? May I interrupt, Sir?"

"What is it, Captain Miller?"

"I have the report from Durras, Sir. Final list of casualties."

"Spit it out, Captain."

"Yes, Sir. Private Appleworth: KIA."

"Notify his family immediately."

"Will do, Sir. Furthermore, Private Beam: WIA."

"Hopefully the medics will patch him up quick. We need all the men we can get. Who else?"

"Corporal Callington: Unharmed, but in shock."

"He'd better snap out of it before the reds overrun us. Who else?"

"Lieutenant Doltstein: MIA."

"Who?"

"Lieutenant Doltstein, Sir."

"We have Lieutenant called Doltstein?"

"Sir, he was in charge of the operation after Major Doe fell!"

"He was?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Are you sure, Captain?"

"Yes I..." [Sudden silence]

"So, Captain: the list?"

"Sergeant Eden: KIA."

"Damn, he owed me a beer!"





On the other hand, Colonel Smith might be busy. And a good soldier knows how to take initiative! I must find a way to escape from here myself! Think Doltstein! What would Patton do?




I WOULDN'T GET CAPTURED, JERK!!!




In retrospect, WWPD never worked as well as they advertised in the Academy. I must...

Wait! Footsteps! Someone is coming!





Ey! Amerika! You go! You die! Today! First truck on ze right. No trick! Trick you die quick!




S'yeah! Like you creeps didn't point out 1,000 times already that there is a sniper in that tower watching my tent. Sigh, well whatever. I have better chance to escape while they are moving me to Lord knows where.

OK, First truck on the right. It must be that one in front of me. Right is where the camp's wall is and left is where the barrack's wall is. I'm an American officer, I know these things!




But wait a second? If I turn around...




Now right is where the barrack's wall is and left is where the camp's wall is!




And now it's the other way around again!! Left can be right and right can be left!! Incredible architechture!!!




But they won't fool me! Since he was standing opposite to me, he must have meant his right, which is my left. So the correct truck is that one at the end of the row.




Sigh, work, work, work, can't they make anything convinient around here. No wonder my country has capitalism while they are stuck with communism!




Ooo, the commies are having an assembly! Oh lord, hear my prayer and give me a grenade.

No? A machinegun then?

Pistol?

BB-gun?

Bah!





OK, first truck on the commie's right. This is it. There are some boxes and stuff in here, but I think I can fit in somewhere between them. I wonder if there are going to be others in here? At least so far I'm alone.

Well, since it seems we are not in a rush, I suppose I have time for a cigarette pause. I still have one in my pocket...

[Schroeder]

Are you sure his name isn't Dinsdale or Bernard?

[Hottentot]

Originally Posted by Schroeder

Are you sure his name isn't Dinsdale or Bernard?

I lost the count after approximately 1,000 nicknames that behaved like him online, so no, I'm not sure.