A bad joke

[SUBMAN1]

A woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.


A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"


The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

:rotfl:

[jumpy]

heh...

you coat is on the hook near the door.

[P_Funk]

That wasn't bad at all!

[Reaves]

Haha good one. Here's another.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Very good Reaves!!
:rotfl:

[TteFAboB]

A man walks into a book store and the bookseller tries to push him a book about logic:

"Logic? What's logic?"
"It's a kind of reasoning"
"What do you mean?"
"Here, let me give you an example: do you have a fish tank in your home?"
"Yes, I do!"
"It would be logical to deduce that there is water inside it."
"Yes, of course there is!"
"And if there's water, there's certainly fish in it aswell."
"Obviously!"
"Perhaps you have children who look after the fish."
"Yes, I have."
"And if you have children, I can make a logical deduction: you're married."
"Yes, I am!"
"If you're married, then you're not gay"
"No, of course not."
"That's it, that's logic. A kind of reasoning that leads you to sound conclusions."

The man bought everything the bookseller pushed at him and went back home all excited about logic. He meets a friend along the way and attempts to explain everything to him but his friend can't understand, so he tries to give an example:

"Logic is very simple. Look: do you have a fish tank?"
"No."
"Then...you're gay?!"

[HunterICX]

Osama comes at the gates of Heaven,
St.peter turns around and yells
Ey God! did you call a Cab?!

[The Avon Lady]

You want bad?

I'll give yas bad!

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft it sank- proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot
my paw."

4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while
in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu
he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a
while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the
waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's
no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as
they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his
habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03
p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the
bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut
extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at
his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This
isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the
bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under
a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his
typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book
and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers
digest and writers cramp.

10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns
would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

11. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of
Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal."

Can ya feel the pain?!

[KevinB]

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

[Monica Lewinsky]

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shxt in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shxt!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

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how much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
a buccaneer

[jumpy]

Noah has a new project.

God sends Noah an e-mail with a set of plans and instructions attached.

It says:
Build an ark. A chuffing great big ark with ten floors, install swimming pools the full length of the ark.

Go fishing.

Catch all the Carp you possibly can. Put them in the swimming pools.....



....



...


..



.


This is going to be the worlds first....


...


..


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Multi-story carp ark!

Originally Posted by jumpy

Noah has a new project.

God sends Noah an e-mail with a set of plans and instructions attached.

It says:
Build an ark. A chuffing great big ark with ten floors, install swimming pools the full length of the ark.

Go fishing.

Catch all the Carp you possibly can. Put them in the swimming pools.....



....



...


..



.


This is going to be the worlds first....


...


..


.

Multi-story carp ark!

Very witty these are all actually funny enough to make me laugh