The joke thread II - Page 158

Platapus · 10-06-20, 03:52 PM

I met this cute ventriloquist in a bar. She said I was very attractive.

I don't know if it was her or the beer talking.

Platapus · 10-06-20, 03:53 PM

What does Jeff Bezos do before going to sleep?

He puts his pajamazon

Platapus · 10-06-20, 03:55 PM

Some people like white sugar and other people prefer brown sugar.

I like them both. I guess I am ambidextrose.

Catfish · 10-07-20, 05:10 AM

A "compliment" for a recently divorced soccer mom, and the DEA:

"Hey girl, are you the war on drugs? Because you definitely over fourty, and it doesn't look as if you have ever worked a day in your life."

Jimbuna · 10-07-20, 05:35 AM

Phone rings at 2am.

Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! *slams phone down*
Wife: Who was that honey?
Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight.

Jimbuna · 10-07-20, 11:24 AM

I love how all these vegans still drink water. That’s a fishes house you disgusting savages.

Jimbuna · 10-08-20, 08:45 AM

Donald Trump has just released new details about his plan to send illegals back to Mexico. He’s gonna deport them Juan by Juan.

Jimbuna · 10-08-20, 08:46 AM

Patient: Give it to me straight doctor.
Doctor: I can’t were both male.
Patient: Hahaha!!
Doctor: .. and also I wouldn’t want to catch AIDS.

Jimbuna · 10-09-20, 05:45 AM

The defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.
He asked sternly, "before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "did you listen to the heart?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "did you check for breathing?"
Coroner: "No"
Attorney: "So, how could you be sure when you signed the death certificate that the man was dead?"
Coroner: "Well, the man's brain was sitting in a jar on a tray next to my examination table. I was pretty certain he was dead. But, I suppose it's possible he still may be able to practice law."

Jimbuna · 10-09-20, 05:47 AM

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.

Jimbuna · 10-10-20, 07:12 AM

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Jimbuna · 10-10-20, 07:13 AM

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Jimbuna · 10-11-20, 11:53 AM

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Jimbuna · 10-11-20, 11:59 AM

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *walks away*

Catfish · 10-12-20, 03:29 AM

Wolf to the herd of sheep:
"I am a wolf! Aren't you supposed to run?"

Sheep:
"It only hits the old and the sick"
"You only threaten us to take away our freedom"
"We believe in herd immunity"
"A healthy sheep's body will survive a bite"
"There are no wolves, it's all fake news"

10-06-20, 03:52 PM	#2356
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,970 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I met this cute ventriloquist in a bar. She said I was very attractive. I don't know if it was her or the beer talking. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-06-20, 03:53 PM	#2357
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,970 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	What does Jeff Bezos do before going to sleep? He puts his pajamazon __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-06-20, 03:55 PM	#2358
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,970 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Some people like white sugar and other people prefer brown sugar. I like them both. I guess I am ambidextrose. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-07-20, 05:10 AM	#2359
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,897 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	A "compliment" for a recently divorced soccer mom, and the DEA: "Hey girl, are you the war on drugs? Because you definitely over fourty, and it doesn't look as if you have ever worked a day in your life." __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

10-07-20, 05:35 AM	#2360
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Phone rings at 2am. Husband: Hello, who is this? How the hell do I know I’m not a weather man! slams phone down Wife: Who was that honey? Husband: Just some guy asking if the coast was clear tonight. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-07-20, 11:24 AM	#2361
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I love how all these vegans still drink water. That’s a fishes house you disgusting savages. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-08-20, 08:45 AM	#2362
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Donald Trump has just released new details about his plan to send illegals back to Mexico. He’s gonna deport them Juan by Juan. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-08-20, 08:46 AM	#2363
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Patient: Give it to me straight doctor. Doctor: I can’t were both male. Patient: Hahaha!! Doctor: .. and also I wouldn’t want to catch AIDS. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-09-20, 05:45 AM	#2364
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. He asked sternly, "before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?" Coroner: "No" Attorney: "did you listen to the heart?" Coroner: "No" Attorney: "did you check for breathing?" Coroner: "No" Attorney: "So, how could you be sure when you signed the death certificate that the man was dead?" Coroner: "Well, the man's brain was sitting in a jar on a tray next to my examination table. I was pretty certain he was dead. But, I suppose it's possible he still may be able to practice law." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-09-20, 05:47 AM	#2365
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Police: Where do u live? Me: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Me: With Me. Police: Where do you all live? Me: Together. Police: Where is your house? Me: Next to my neighbors house. Police: Where is your neighbors house? Me: You won't believe me if I tell you. Police: Tell Me! Me: Next to my house. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-10-20, 07:12 AM	#2366
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" Nobody stands up Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" Little Johnny stands up Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-10-20, 07:13 AM	#2367
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Boy: calls 911 Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-11-20, 11:53 AM	#2368
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-11-20, 11:59 AM	#2369
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! walks away __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-12-20, 03:29 AM	#2370
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,897 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	Wolf to the herd of sheep: "I am a wolf! Aren't you supposed to run?" Sheep: "It only hits the old and the sick" "You only threaten us to take away our freedom" "We believe in herd immunity" "A healthy sheep's body will survive a bite" "There are no wolves, it's all fake news" __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.