The joke thread II - Page 141

Jimbuna · 07-13-20, 01:48 PM

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won a load of money and moved to Spain.

Jimbuna · 07-13-20, 01:50 PM

Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Platapus · 07-13-20, 05:43 PM

I was staying at this hotel for the first time. I had just checked in. I went to the reception desk and asked the woman behind the desk

"Miss, I am sorry, but I just got here, could you please tell me again which room I am in?"

She gave me a strange look and said "Sir, you are in the lobby."

I don't get no respect

Catfish · 07-14-20, 02:00 AM

So the two linguists are in the welsh city of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll.

They wonder how this is being pronounced properly.

Since they are in a cheap restaurant, one of them asks the waitress
"Could you please tell me where we are, and how exactly do you pronounce it?"

The waitress gives them a strange look and slowly says
"B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G"

Jimbuna · 07-14-20, 12:11 PM

Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles. When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan.

Jimbuna · 07-14-20, 12:12 PM

Went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my right eye.

He advised me to take the spoon out of the cup.

Jimbuna · 07-16-20, 02:09 PM

I went to my doctor and he said he had some good news and some bad news. He said the good news was that he got my test results and I had two days to live. Then he said the bad news was that he has been trying to contact me for two days.

Jimbuna · 07-16-20, 02:11 PM

Q. Why do birds always sing in the morning?
A. Because they don’t have to go to work!!

Jimbuna · 07-17-20, 01:33 PM

The Irish government has recently announced that they are going to save money on school crossing men and women by moving schools to the other side of the road.

Jimbuna · 07-17-20, 01:35 PM

Mexicans have been complaining recently about Trumps wall, they really need to get over it.

Platapus · 07-18-20, 06:09 AM

Doctor walks into my room and tells me that he has some good news and some bad news.

OK Doc, what's the bad new

The bad news is that I am afraid that you only have a week to live

Doc, what's the good news?

See that nurse over there? I am taking her out on Friday.

Platapus · 07-18-20, 06:11 AM

Saw a bumper sticker that I need for my car

Hung like Einstein
Smart like a horse.

(it was an actual bumper sticker).

Jimbuna · 07-18-20, 10:47 AM

For those worried about Alexa listening to your conversations Amazon are now releasing a male version called Alex who ignores everything you say.

Jimbuna · 07-18-20, 10:49 AM

Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present. She’s going to love these flowers.

Jimbuna · 07-19-20, 06:33 AM

All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except Winter and Summer. And Autumn.

07-13-20, 01:48 PM	#2101
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling. I won a load of money and moved to Spain. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-13-20, 01:50 PM	#2102
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Convert your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-13-20, 05:43 PM	#2103
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,970 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I was staying at this hotel for the first time. I had just checked in. I went to the reception desk and asked the woman behind the desk "Miss, I am sorry, but I just got here, could you please tell me again which room I am in?" She gave me a strange look and said "Sir, you are in the lobby." I don't get no respect __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-14-20, 02:00 AM	#2104
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,897 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	So the two linguists are in the welsh city of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll. They wonder how this is being pronounced properly. Since they are in a cheap restaurant, one of them asks the waitress "Could you please tell me where we are, and how exactly do you pronounce it?" The waitress gives them a strange look and slowly says "B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G" __________________ >^..^<)))>{ All generalizations are wrong. Last edited by Catfish; 07-14-20 at 02:17 AM.*

07-14-20, 12:11 PM	#2105
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Instead of wasting money on costly egg timers simply boil your egg to perfection by getting in your car and driving at 60 mph for exactly 3 miles. When you reach the 3 mile mark call your wife and tell her to take it out the pan. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-14-20, 12:12 PM	#2106
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. He advised me to take the spoon out of the cup. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-16-20, 02:09 PM	#2107
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I went to my doctor and he said he had some good news and some bad news. He said the good news was that he got my test results and I had two days to live. Then he said the bad news was that he has been trying to contact me for two days. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-16-20, 02:11 PM	#2108
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q. Why do birds always sing in the morning? A. Because they don’t have to go to work!! __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-17-20, 01:33 PM	#2109
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The Irish government has recently announced that they are going to save money on school crossing men and women by moving schools to the other side of the road. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-17-20, 01:35 PM	#2110
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Mexicans have been complaining recently about Trumps wall, they really need to get over it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-18-20, 06:09 AM	#2111
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,970 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Doctor walks into my room and tells me that he has some good news and some bad news. OK Doc, what's the bad new The bad news is that I am afraid that you only have a week to live Doc, what's the good news? See that nurse over there? I am taking her out on Friday. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-18-20, 06:11 AM	#2112
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,970 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	Saw a bumper sticker that I need for my car Hung like Einstein Smart like a horse. (it was an actual bumper sticker). __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-18-20, 10:47 AM	#2113
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	For those worried about Alexa listening to your conversations Amazon are now releasing a male version called Alex who ignores everything you say. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-18-20, 10:49 AM	#2114
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present. She’s going to love these flowers. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-19-20, 06:33 AM	#2115
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	All the seasons are named after coils of metal. Except Winter and Summer. And Autumn. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)