The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it’s over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."

The man digests it for a while and then says, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."

Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"

[Jimbuna]

A Chinese boy pleads with his Grandpa, “Granddad, can I have a dog? Please???!!!“

Two hours later says Grandpa, “Enjoy your meal, my boy.”

[Jimbuna]

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

[Texas Red]

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

[Jimbuna]

Two turkeys are looking at the sky at dusk and one asks the other: „Do you believe in life after Christmas?“

[Jimbuna]

Have you heard they found a dead guy with his head buried in his cornflakes?

The police believed it was a cereal killer.

[Jimbuna]

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody asked about his paintings.

"Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that’s fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

[Jimbuna]

Three kids are at a Zoo. They seem to be fighting near a wolf enclosure so an adult walks up to them and asks them their names and what they’re up to.

The first kid says his name is Ronnie and that he was simply trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The second kid introduces herself as Libby and says she was also just trying to feed pickles to the wolves.

The third child introduces herself as Pickles.

[Jimbuna]

What is yellow and makes moms happy in the morning?

The school bus.

[Platapus]

Did you hear about the billionaire who woke up feeling ill?


He said that he felt like a million dollars

[Jimbuna]

Do you think there’s no good news about having Alzheimer's?

You can buy and wrap your own surprise presents. Plus you are constantly making new friends.

[Jeff-Groves]

If you wear a mask because of Covid but can still smell perfume?
It means the Fat Old Lady near you splashed a whole damned bottle on!

[Jimbuna]

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight. I’m just checking my Facebook quickly before the kettle boils.

[Jimbuna]

A guy comes to the doctor, “Please help me. I’m constantly coughing and out of breath and it’s getting worse.”

The doctor asks, “Do you smoke?”

“Yes, but it’s not helping at all!”

[Jimbuna]

A judge asks a woman, “What did you steal, Mrs. Trettenbouche?”

The woman looks down, “A can of peaches, Your Honor.”

“And how many peaches were there in the can?” continues the judge.

“Six, sir”, admits the woman.

“OK, you will serve 6 days in prison,” rules the judge.

Suddenly her husband shouts from the back of the court room, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peanuts!”