The joke thread II

[Eisenwurst]

Do Fremen have wet dreams???

[Platapus]

Doctors have just discovered the Peek-a-Boo virus
They are sending the afflicted to the ICU

[Jimbuna]

A train was famous for its late arrival. There wasn't a single day when the train reached on time. So, the general public became accustomed to these situations..

One day, out of the blue, the train arrived the station at the exact scheduled time. The public went mad on seeing this and beat the crap out of the driver..

The driver gasping for his breath, shouts admist the crowd “ Get away from me, you idiots! Its yesterday's train”….

[Platapus]

My friend and I were going to the store to pick up our new prescription glasses.


My wife asked "what will you guys do after that?"


"We'll see"

[magic452]

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon.

She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing.
Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.


Magic

[Platapus]

I was going through a bad time


A friend of mine was trying, albeit awkwardly trying to make me feel better


He said " It could be worse. You could be stuck..uh.. in some sort of deep hole of with water or stuff"


I knew he meant well.

[Jimbuna]

A man invites a co-worker to eat dinner at his house, so they leave the office and drive there. When he gets home his wife starts yelling while the man and his co-worker seat comfortably in the living room.

"I don't have any make up on, and still haven't brushed my hair, the house is a total mess, I haven't washed the dishes, I am still wearing my pajamas, and I haven't made dinner. Why the hell did you bring a friend home tonight? "

The husband replied calmly " Because he is thinking of getting married!"

[Platapus]

My Grandfather told me "when one door closes, another one opens"


He was a great man, but a lousy cabinetmaker.

[Jimbuna]

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:
“Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days.
I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better,
we’re going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation.
The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat approached the horse and said:
“Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!”
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.
The goat came back and said: -
“Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die! Come on, I’ll help you get up.
Let’s go ! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:
“Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise,
the virus might spread and infect the other horses.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said:
“Listen pal, it’s now or never!
Get up, come on ! Have courage!
Come on! Get up! Get up!
That’s it, slowly!
Great! Come on, one, two, three…
Good, good.
Now faster, come on……
Fantastic! Run, run more!
Yes! Yay! Yes!
You did it, you’re a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting…
It’s a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party.
Let’s Cook the goat!!!!

[Platapus]

How did the Vikings communicate over long distance?


Norse Code

[Jimbuna]

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.
The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

P.S. No offence intended

[Platapus]

A perfectionist walked into a bar.
I guess it wasn't set high enough.

[Jimbuna]

A red hair Viking named Rudolph goes to his window and says " tonight it will rain"
His wife then asks how can he be sure?
He replies " because Rudolph the Red knows rain dear. "

[Platapus]

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?



Dam.

[Jimbuna]

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: "Denise."

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs "Denephew."