The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out... How do you know they're having sex?

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[Jimbuna]

There was a foreigner who just arrived in America. His English was ok, but not the best. One day, he was driving a car when his car crashed into another car. The foreigner said to the American in the car, “I'm sorry”. The American then said “I'm sorry too”. The foreigner then replied “I'm sorry three. The American, now a bit confused, said “what are you sorry for”. The foreigner then said “I'm sorry five”.

[Eichhörnchen]

Sad news of the passing of this UK comic legend... here's a favourite joke:-


A woman sees a parrot on sale in a pet shop for just £5 and she asks the owner why the very low price?

"Well I have to be honest", he replies, "He was brought up in a brothel and his language is pretty ripe"

"Well I'll take him all the same", she says

Once home she removes the cover from the cage and the parrot looks around and says "New place.... nice!"

Later her two daughters return home from college

The parrot says "New girls.... nice!"

Then later her husband comes in and the parrot says "Hello, Keith"

[Commander Wallace]

Originally Posted by Eichhörnchen

Sad news of the passing of this UK comic legend... here's a favourite joke:-


A woman sees a parrot on sale in a pet shop for just £5 and she asks the owner why the very low price?

"Well I have to be honest", he replies, "He was brought up in a brothel and his language is pretty ripe"

"Well I'll take him all the same", she says

Once home she removes the cover from the cage and the parrot looks around and says "New place.... nice!"

Later her two daughters return home from college

The parrot says "New girls.... nice!"

Then later her husband comes in and the parrot says "Hello, Keith"

[Jimbuna]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.
It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting."
But there was another floor so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.
The exit is to your left; we hope you fall down the stairs."

[Jimbuna]

A group of select staff and guests at the University of Rwanda, College of Science and Technology are gathered for the maiden flight of a plane recently acquired by the university.

Just as everyone is ready in their seats, a beaming flight attendant grabs a microphone and announces: “Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to the maiden flight of this aircraft which, let it be known, was built by our very own students…”

No sooner had she finished her speech than everyone rushed out of the plane screaming, “God save our lives!”.

Amid all this hassle, one man had remained seated, seemingly untroubled by the events going on around him. Curious to know why, a couple guys come back into the plane to check on him. “Why are you so calm now? Haven’t you heard?”, they ask.

In a poised, soft voice, the man answers, “Don’t worry, gentlemen. If this plane is indeed the work of my students as that woman has claimed, I’m sure this crap won’t even start, never mind lifting off the ground”.

He was the professor of Engineering.

[Jimbuna]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

(Get your Japanese accent ready...)

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.

"It's all right," says the husband. "We share everything."

A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. "I really wouldn't mind buying your wife a meal," he insists.

"She'll eat," the husband assures him. "We share everything."

Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, "Why aren't you eating?"

The wife snaps, "Because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

[Jimbuna]

Interviewer: There are 500 bricks on a plane.
You drop one outside. How many are left?
Applicant: That's easy, 499

Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge.
Put the elephant in.
Close the fridge.

Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge.
Take the elephant out.
Put the deer in.
Close the fridge.

Interviewer: It's lion's birthday,
all the animals are there except one, why?
Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge.

Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Applicant: She just crosses it
because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.

Interviewer: Last question.
In the end the old lady still died, Why?

Applicant: Err....I guess she drowned?
Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.

[Jimbuna]

Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," . "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," Rob said.

Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!"

FORGET THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER. There is always another way to solve a problem.

[Jimbuna]

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.
He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.
His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the front doorstep...

[Aktungbby]

NickSaggy!

[Platapus]

Doctor asks a woman about why she has so many children


"Doctor, I get pregnant because of my deafness"


"How can your hearing loss cause you to get pregnant?


"Well, Doctor, when my husband gets in to bed with me, he asks, with a glint in his eye, 'so, do you want to sleep or what?"


Because of my hearing loss I often reply 'what?'"

[Jimbuna]

A young woman goes to Doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes drunk, he beats me senseless”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just drink some water and hold it in your mouth. Hold it in, but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I kept a mouthful of water and held it till he slept. And he didn’t touch me.”

Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps”

[Platapus]

What do you call Darth Vader when he is very afraid?


Panikin Skywalker