The joke thread II

[Eisenwurst]

What did the Buffalo say to his son as he dropped him off at school?

Bison.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the new mummy they’ve discovered in Egypt? It was covered in nuts and chocolate.

They think his name was Pharaoh Rocher.

[Jimbuna]

I’m on a quest around the world to find Bigfoot. I’d originally set out to find cheap car insurance, but I decided to keep my goals realistic.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text: “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which I replied: “8 out of 10, the word (I’ll ) requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

[Jimbuna]

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: I was just keeping up with the traffic.
Cop: There is no traffic!
Me: I know, that’s how far behind I am.

[Jimbuna]

I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids properly.The tears streamed down her face, this moment of joy would stick in my mind forever.
The moment when I said “April fools!” and dropped that gullible bitch to the ground.

Gets her every year!

[Jimbuna]

My fat ex-girlfriend recently got a t-shirt saying, ‘I’m a maneater’…
I told her that’s not how you spell manatee!

[Jimbuna]

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.

He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

My wife said I was rude for yawning when she was shouting at me.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I was just trying to speak.

Cool joke. I don't think we have seen that posted before.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation happened after calling the police.

Police: What’s your emergency?
Me: Two girls are fighting over me.
Police: OK and what’s the problem?
Me: The fat one is winning!

[Jimbuna]

Just been fired from my job as an airline pilot for smoking weed on my first day 🙁 .

Apparently I misunderstood them when they told me to “get high” after takeoff.

[Jimbuna]

Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status.

After five, it ought to default to “Unstable”

[Jimbuna]

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour: I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

[Platapus]

Life is like a game of Tetris


Your mistakes stack up



Your accomplishments quickly disappear.