The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I’ve decided to start an educational campaign to tell people about the health benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

[Jimbuna]

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb.
A. None because they never get the house.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just kicked me out of the house because my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression was really bad. But don’t worry…

I’ll be back.

[Jimbuna]

If money is the root of all evil why do they always ask for it in church?

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between me and my girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Do you want to get married?
Me: Sure.
Girlfriend: Great, when?
Me: Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.

[Jimbuna]

They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m dyslexic.

So far I’ve made 2 Vases, a Jug and a teapot.

[Jimbuna]

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old…

Until she checked the freezer.

[Jimbuna]

Girl at the RyanAir check-in just told me “window or aisle”.

I replied “Window or you’ll what?”.

[Jimbuna]

My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache.

[Catfish]

Tonight I was walking home late when I see a woman in the shadows. “Fifty bucks,” she says.
I’ve never been with a prostitute before, but decided what the hell.

We are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on us – it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” I answer indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” I said, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

[Jimbuna]

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said “Well, I’m off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park.”

[Jimbuna]

Appear 10 years younger by telling everybody you are 10 years older than you actually are.

[Jimbuna]

Heard on the news that the worlds oldest man died earlier today. Why does this keep happening?

[Jimbuna]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

[Jimbuna]

Just been ripped off by the guy who works at my local Chinese hardware store.
The pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.