The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A guy asked a girl sitting alone at the library, "do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl answered with a loud voice, "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt a little embarrassed, right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice, "WHAT?! 200 DOLLARS JUST FOR ONE NIGHT?! THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

Now all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears, "I study law and I know how to make others feel guilty."

[Platapus]

I was determined to get revenge on my local bus company.
I decided to pull out all the stops.

[Jimbuna]

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."

[Jimbuna]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd
looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it
to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.

He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep.
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches
the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says
the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers
the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to
get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and
you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

[Jimbuna]

Four friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion.

One goes to get food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

The first lady says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The second said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an architect, started his own development company, and became so rich he built his best friend a castle.

The fourth lady came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz was about.

They told her about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said that her son is a gay stripper and he works in a strip club.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no!! He is doing extremely well” said the lady, "last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..."

[Platapus]

I kicked a pregnant woman in the stomach.


Didn't care


The only thing that happened was


That I was born a few weeks later

[Jimbuna]

A foreigner asked an Indian Husband,
"Why Indian Women have Red
Dot on their forehead ?"

Indian replied,
"Because they Record everything.."

[Platapus]

If you boil a funny bone
Do you get laughing stock?

[Platapus]

I signed up for my company's 401K


To be perfectly honest, I doubt that I could ever run that far.

[Jimbuna]

Einstein said to Chaplin: "What I most admire about your art... You don't say a word, and the rest of the world understands you."

"It is true", answered Chaplin, "but your glory is even greater. The whole world admires you, even though they don't understand a word of what you say!"

[Platapus]

Where do I keep my bad dad jokes


in a Dad a base, of course

[Jimbuna]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

[fireftr18]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

A lesson politicians need.

[Platapus]

Or
The passenger needs to follow the directions and show the bus pass to the driver/conductor

[Jimbuna]

A fifteen year old Mexican boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Go get your Mother."