The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and
attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall. I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

[Jimbuna]

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a Member of Parliament!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

[Platapus]

It's not easy being a bachelor


I have to clean my own dishes
I have to take out my own trash
I have to clean my own apartment
I have to do my own laundry



Then a month or two later, I have to do it all over again.

[Jimbuna]

The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”

[Jimbuna]

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

[Jimbuna]

A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”

[Jimbuna]

Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup as you were carrying it over!

Thank you for your kind concern, sir, but it’s OK, the soup is only lukewarm.

[Platapus]

Growing up, I wanted to be a monk.


But I never got the chants.

[Platapus]

Some days, I think it is only a matter of time before they put the word "Syndrome" after my name

[Jimbuna]

Why hasn’t there ever been a vegan to the Moon?

Because there’s nobody there to whom they could tell they’re vegan.

[Jimbuna]

Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.

[Jimbuna]

“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”

“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”

[Jimbuna]

Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.

Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”

Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”

[Jimbuna]

About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a £20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

[Jimbuna]

A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.

The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”

“Ok,” nods Mrs Connelly, “and how often should he take those?”

“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”