The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

After practicing law for several months, I was talking with my brother, John, a doctor. "My work is so exciting," I said. "People come into my office, tell me their problems and pay me for my advice."

As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his hand. Since it was the weekend, my friend had to summon the doctor from home.

The tourist was dismayed to see that the doctor was young, had long hair and wore sandals and a very casual shirt. "You don't look much like a doctor to me," he said dubiously.

The doctor examined the hook in the tourist's hand and responded, "And you don't look much like a fish to me."

[Jimbuna]

During my uncle's physical exam, his doctor mentioned that he was slightly overweight. "Do you get any exercise?" the physician asked. "Well, I used to have an exercise bike in the TV room," my uncle began. "Used to!" the doctor said. "Where is it now?" "I had to store it in the basement," my uncle confessed, "because it got in the way of my snack trays."

[Jimbuna]

Carol was pregnant with her first child, and her husband was about to leave on a two-week business trip. When Carol went to her doctor appointment, she had some questions.

"My husband wants me to ask you something—" Carol began.

The doctor interrupted her. "I get asked that question all the time," he said in a reassuring tone. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it!" an embarrassed Carol confessed. "My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[THE_MASK]

Why is there no pain relief tablets in the jungle .
Because the Parots ate em all .

[Catfish]

^ but.. this.. no..

[Jimbuna]

Last New Year's Eve found me in the hospital scheduled for an operation to remove hemorrhoids. So while others donned party hats and sipped champagne, I wore a hospital gown and swigged painkillers. That's not to say the holiday spirit was completely absent.

The next day, January 1, I woke up to a banner on my bedroom wall. It screamed "Happy New Rear!"

[Jimbuna]

Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:

"The patient refused autopsy."

"The patient has no previous history of suicides."

"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."

"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."

[Jimbuna]

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak. The nurse put down the form, took my hands in hers and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, feeling relieved. "Please continue."

"Good. Now," the nurse went on, "do you have a living will?"

[Jimbuna]

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

[Jimbuna]

A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond.

"You cheap bum!" she yells. "This isn’t even real."

"I know," he says. "But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock."

[Jimbuna]

I don't know why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

[Jimbuna]

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. "In order to get in," he tells them, "you must each produce something representative of the holidays." The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. "This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in. The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. "These are bells." He's allowed in too. "So," Peter says to the third man, "what do you have?" The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties. "What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter. "They're Carol's."

[Jimbuna]

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.