The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My grandpa came back from the war with one leg.

We still don’t know whose leg it is.

[Texas Red]

Four friends were sitting in a bar together having drinks when the topic of their sons comes up.
Friend #4 leaves to go to the restroom so the other friends talk about their sons.
Friend #1 says, “My son is super successful, he is the CFO of a large shipping company, and he was just given a free private jet.”
Friend #2 and #3 are wowed, but both think they have better sons.
Friend #2 says, “My son is even more successful. He is a pro athlete that makes billions of dollars yearly, and he was given a free home that only the 1% have!!”
Friend 3# still thinks he had a better son and retorts, “My son is even better. He is the Press Secretary at the White House, and he was just given a free super yacht with its own submarine!” Both friends realize they need a tiebreaker, so they wait for Friend #4 to come back.
Friend #4 comes back and Friend #3 asks, “How successful is your son?”
Friend #4 says, “My son is gay…”
The rest of the friends try to contain their laughs, but are quickly stopped when Friend #4 finishes by saying:
“He also just gave his 3 boyfriends a private jet, a luxurious house, and a super yacht with a submarine. He is such a caring son.”

[Jimbuna]

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

[Platapus]

People who tell "dad jokes" who are not fathers are committing a faux-pa

[Catfish]

^

[Eisenwurst]

Why was the Egyptian kid confused?

'Cause his Daddy was a Mummy.

[Jimbuna]

Paula: “Am I your dream woman?”

John: “You are much more than that…”

Paulagiggles) “How much more?”

John: “About 40 pounds.“

[Jimbuna]

A guy runs with a machine gun into his wife’s chess club and yells: “Which of you nerdy scabs slept with my wife?”

A chees player looks up: “You know man, I don’t think your magazine will be enough.”

[Eisenwurst]

Why do birds tweet?

They don't like Facebook.

[Jimbuna]

It really makes me mad when I hear idiots saying that women belong in the kitchen. Such crap. Who would clean the rest of the house?!

[Jimbuna]

I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!

[Jimbuna]

I had a few drinks after work, so I decided to take the bus home rather than my car, you know, like they say on the billboards. I don’t know what idiot thought of that. I bet that even sober, a bus is a beast to drive!“

[Jimbuna]

Father looks at his teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

[Jimbuna]

It is interesting how different nations have their dogs make different sounds.

An American dog goes Woof, a Czech dog goes Haf, a Dutch dog goes Blaf and a Chinese dog goes Sizzle.

[magic452]

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
"In Nevada. He has two cathouses - one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."


Magic