The joke thread II

[Flaxpants]

I'll tell you what boils my piss - hotel kettles

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the Irish metal detector enthusiast who dug a hole 70ft deep? It turns out he had steel toecap shoes on.

[Jimbuna]

Why are Catholic priests always running? Because they love to exercise demons.

[magic452]

A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Rick. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."


"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Rick said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time the judge was fairly interested in Rick's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now, what the heck would YOU say?"


Magic

[Jimbuna]

Just got a Sat Nav for bachelors. After every turn you get a new woman.

[Jimbuna]

I’m sure the Miss Universe competition is always fixed. Why does the winner always come from planet Earth?

[magic452]

Paddy and his wife Maggie are walking through a park in Ireland when they see a box behind a tree
and it turns out to have three bombs in it.

Paddy tells his wife they have to bring them to the police.
Maggie doesn't think it's a good idea and says,
"What happens to us if a bomb goes off?"
Paddy thinks about it for a moment and answers, "Well we will just tell them that we only found two."


Magic

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a mental patient and a doctor.

Patient: Doctor please help me. I keep thinking I’m John McEnroe!
Doctor: You can’t be serious!!

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat, when she cries butter come out her eyes instead of tears .

[Aktungbby]

Host Jimmy Kimmel: "I think the decision to go with a champagne carpet over a red carpet shows how confident we are that no blood Will (Smith!?) be shed."

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so fat, when she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

[Jimbuna]

Got thrown out the cinema today for bringing my own food. I couldn’t resist.. the prices are way too high and also I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat last time she went swimming in the sea some Japanese people tried to harpoon her.

[Platapus]

Yo mama's so ugly, when she was little, she had to trick-or-treat by phone.

[Jimbuna]

Yo mama is so fat she does her grocery shopping at McDonalds.